Friday, June 29, 2012
I thought I was so smart and well put together, but in hindsight, I had no clue what the hell I was doing and where I was heading. I knew I wanted to live. I would cringe whenever people asked what I wanted to do. I had no idea. I wanted to get paid a respectable and livable wage and make the rest of it up as I went along. My major concerns as a younger woman was having a man. Having fun. Kicking it. What 32-year-old MJ knows in contrast to 18, 19, 20-year-old MJ is I could have been laying the groundwork for that then and doing those things now. I guess the thought of 32 seemed so old. Back then, my futuristic, and might I add idealistic and unrealistic eye, had me married with a few kids. My husband would be a professional of some kind, making lots of money. We would live downtown or on the North Side. I would be chillin' with a boutique my husband would have bought for me or be a stay-at-home mom or even someone with a cool job that allowed me to dress professionally fly. Yeah, that's how shallow my thought process was, I just wanted a 'cool job'. I wish I was more focused. I wish I put some thought into having a specific accredited skill. I wish I knew that life did not have to stop at 30. That there is a whole lot more life to live and enjoy.
I see these kids and I think, 'what if?'
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Last night I went out to hear some music and decided to be a bit daring. I wore one of my favorite pair of shorts. They are Calvin Klein and I love them. These shorts used to be staples in heavy summer rotation, but I have gained the weight obviously and it has just been consistently hot enough to wear them without looking to thirsty. I rarely, if ever wear these shorts without heels. In my mind, they are made for heels. So I put on a throwback pair I had honestly forgotten about, and a form fitting long sleeve and slightly see through top. For the first time in a couple of months, I felt all out sexy. I was kind of worried for the reaction. Are they too short? Walking to my car from my apartment building, heading over to the place, I heard, all the way from down the end of the block it seemed, "Hey, how you doing?". Yeah, they're short as hell. When I arrived at the venue, I felt a bit 'over dressed'. So I sat down. Plus, I could feel the eyes of men on my every move. The women's stares were a bit more judgmental. But as I carefully and secretly pulled them out my crack periodically (they were tight) I thought, I need to enjoy and appreciate my body for what it is now. As opposed to longing for what I feel it should be later; constantly critiquing myself, my shape. Or coming down hard on myself when I break my diet goals for the day to indulge in a cupcake given to me by my co-worker (which happens more than you can imagine).
Yes, those shorts were tight. But if I were single, I could have pulled some action. In reality, I am not that far from my weight loss finish line. Being hard on myself is not going to help. Will I be wearing those shorts everyday? No. But it was fun to pull them out for a hot occasion.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
In my dream house I want a large vanity, full length mirror, music, t.v., heated toilet seat and floors. Not to mention, I'd like a claw footed tub, his and her sinks and one of those showers that sprays you all around. Until then, I'll create my own sanctuary.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I liked today's apology and especially the person who stood tall enough to come back to the scene of the crime and admit the mistake. I have made a point to apologize more frequently, if for no other reason, to give that person the comforting feeling that there are no hard feelings.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
During prayer time, I turned to my neighbor and lifted two names up as my concerns. I included the individuals' names and was sincere in my thought and request. The first was a no brainer, someone in my life has been suffering from an injury that has had him out of commission for the past couple of weeks. The second was a woman who has recently come into my life. I thought she was nice at first, then I learned of our connection. We share a mutual friend. She new who I was, but I, only a short time ago learned of her full identity. With my new knowledge, I can go back down memory lane and know for sure, she has never been genuine or kind. She is a shit starter and it pissed me off. It has been on my mind and it makes me leery of any future interactions.
Instead of whining to others about her, I decided to hand it over to the all knowing. I felt no one would actually understand and I would have to reveal too much to get my point across. Yesterday I watched an episode of 'Oprah's Next Chapter' that my mom had recorded. Oprah interviewed 50 Cent, who said something to the effect of: 'you either pray or worry, it makes no sense to do both'. I have always thought 50 was smart and I liked hearing what he had to say, but that rang so true. It has been a new mantra for me. I will not worry about this person any longer. She will not rent space in my brain or thoughts. Clarity feels good.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
I replied that I would be renewing my lease. I like my apartment. And more than I like my apartment, I hate moving! So another year with the same mailing address. I am blessed I have the option of staying if I choose. Plus, my landlord is mad cool and I appreciate her for even covering the cost for a couple of years on my behalf, unbeknownst to me. Take your blessings as they come.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I have a list of things that are a must for the summer, now if I can just get my FA to loosen those pursestrings...
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
When I was growing up, my mother said she thought tattoos on women made them look like biker chicks. Side bar: She waited until she was past the age of 50 to get her first, which was the name of a lover, she no longer loves. Then she got a second one to cover that up. Kids these days. I, not understanding her original sentiments waited until I got to college to get mine. After the pain of it and the gradual realization that it did not turn out the way I envisioned it, I soon got over the appeal. The good thing is, the location of mine is very easy to cover. I have to admit, now I hate tattoos. They no longer have an edge. I can appreciate the art of a 'nice' one, but I have a hard time holding in my guttural groan when I hear of someone getting their first or God forbid a new one.
So when I see the stars that travel up the back of the neck. Or a special symbol only the person who got the tat can explain, even a name lightly written in cursive, I think, 'why not just get it on your neck?' The thought is 'no one will see it if I let my hair down, or pull my collar up'. But I am sure that was the thought of the first girl to get the 'tramp stamp' that we all are subject to seeing every time she gets up out of a chair with a too little top or some low-rise jeans. The ink was originally for her and her special someone, now I have the pleasure of seeing it accompanied by tiger stripe-like stretch marks.
Can we all agree it is just better to claim and be honest that you like or (in some cases) are addicted to ink and stop spuriously claiming modesty?
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
On Friday, to dispute this, I wrote one of my infamous letters. It was long. I had pulled e-mails and information from their website. Plus, I collected the names of both the CEO and CFO. I was so heated, I did not touch the letter again until today. With a clear head and renewed set of eyes. I was able to edit the 3 page manifesto-like disgruntled letter, to a 2 page directive. I included about 13 pages of highlighted backup e-mails. I feel proud of this letter and hope it is received in good standing. I do not mind paying the past due amount, but the fees are crazy ($60-90). I give them my debit card number and once they have it, the billing department will just charge whenever and whatever they want? Not on my watch. I let them know when they could expect the balance. Hopefully, they will reverse the charges.
After compiling that letter, I began writing a recommendation letter for a friend. I had good things to say of course, but then I wondered, "is this too mushy? Is it believable?" I decided it was; I mean I was giving a character reference so I did not have to be that detailed about work skills. I focused more on her personality.
In a nutshell, I have been writing all day, which is most likely why I do not feel like writing/typing this post now. I am all typed out.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
No need to embarrass myself further. I'm so Daria.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
1. In your life, what have you found to be the benefits of being in a relationship as opposed to being
2. What are some major differences between how you handle relationships at your current age and 10
3. What would you tell your 22-year-old self about relationships? About life itself?
4. It's summertime. What's your favorite thing about women's apparel? What do you like to see or
look forward to this time of the year?
5. What's your favorite old school place you recall picking up girls?
This is easy I'd tell my 22 year old self to stay doing what you do playa...at least as far as relationships. About life...dude it gets harder. Follow your heart and passions not the checkbook. Money will come if you are content....
Honestly.. I hate seeing the sandals and feet. Women think its sexy so I guess that's why all I see is toes...I like women in jeans, T-shirts, and max's! I look forward to sitting on them 24s on the avalanche. Sorry I'm a simple man, apparel don't make my year...
I don't pick up chicks...chicks pick me up!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
So today I sent 'B' a text to let her go. I know it's insensitive, but her English is not very good and she prefers to communicate that way so her son and husband can help her translate and respond. My message essentially was me telling her how greatly I appreciated her service and how I planned to send her referrals. I let her know my mom would be cleaning for me from now on and she could send my keys in the mail and I would reimburse her the postage cost. Her reply was laced with gratitude. She asked if I would tell my friends about her as she needs more work. She pretty much reiterated everything I said, which proved my professional language was not necessary and total inappropriate for this situation as she did not understand. I could have kept it simple.
Our texts ended with us both repeatedly thanking one another; so I just ended it with her last 'thank you very much'. It sucked having to let her go, just for the human side of it. She is a small business owner basically and although I have not used her in a couple of months, my text sealed the deal that I did not need her anymore. That's one less check to count on or add to her income equation. Plus, I too have been told my services were no longer needed. The feeling sucks and is so final. And you have no say in the matter. Overall, we both handled it well. Luckily with my mom, there's no firing her. She's here for good.
Monday, June 11, 2012
I have, over the years lost quite a few friends do to my 'honesty', or me getting something off my chest. And for what reason? Antoine has taught me the importance of moving on and past people's faults. He has also taught me the importance of letting go of people without letting them know you're letting them go. Or How you can disapprove of something without having/letting it affect you personally. I wish everyone had an 'Antoine' in their corner. Just a "sounding board", as he called it, to get things off your chest allowing you to move past your own ego, which would have you (me) believe that this is information that must be shared.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
She is selfish. And at times it irks me. Then I stop and think, her life isn't a bed of roses. She has experienced some heavy family issues as of late, both immediate and extended. I wonder if this is the cause of her total self involvement. Is this her sub-consious way of taking something for herself? It would not surprise me. I just sit and think sometimes about her. What it must be like to be her. Then I pull back from my annoyance and try to pray for her. I say, 'try to', because she can irritate me that bad. My Grandma used to say, "You never know when you gon' need a glass of water." In other words, do unto others- you know the rest. I have lived by my Grandmother's words for years. It has helped me put aside some of my hard-headed and stubborn ways. But the one thing I would add is, you never know when someone else will need it too. You have to give like you know it will come back, understanding that it will, just maybe not from that particular person.
Friday, June 8, 2012
But that seemed to be the majority of the cards. The 'Black' section tended to be all super sappy, or some kind of 'at a boy' sentiment. As if the thought is, "I'm so glad you stepped up to be a father to your child". Or, "there are daddy's and fathers, you're the good kind!" (insert hive five, on the black hand side). I wanted something funny and cute, but if I wanted a brotha on the cover, it had to be a little more emotional.
Beyond the obvious lack of diversity, the 'mainstream' section simply just fell flat. My dad is not the barbecue grilling, steak-eating type. He's a vegetarian in fact. He digs beer, but cards with that 'theme' just seem lame. So those jokes wouldn't work. I found a decent selection of cards that are for wives to husbands. Again, this helps me none. I want the card manufactures to know that there are good fathers, who happen to be Black. They raise their children and keep close and lasting relationships with them. Those same dads don't need a trophy or long dissertation on how wonderful it is that they have done so. They are real men. They handle their business. Period. What that means is they have a sense of humour. They can take a joke. And they come from all walks of Black life. So there is no need to present a unidimensional portrait of the Black father.
With that said, the mainstream cards should be more multifaceted. I noticed that next to "our" section, was the Latino father section. Those cards intertwined a bit of Spanish. Again, why can't there be diversity in the mainstream section. All the artwork doesn't have to feature White people. If you have a card with only the hands of a dad and daughter, why can't they be brown, representing Black, Indian or Latin folks? I am now on a hunt for better and more diverse greeting cards for every occasion.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
I have, to say the least, gained a bit of weight. Being without boot camp, Zumba or even yoga, combined with eating as if I was still taking each of those classes, has lead to these cute hips spreading. So until I get back on a regular fitness routine, I have started counting calories again. It's pretty intense. Although I know I'm annoying everyone around me. I can't stop. It becomes a challenge for the control freak in me. I want to own those calories. I want to dominate them.
Whenever I'm in this mode and mindset, my greatest ally is Livestrong.com's My Plate program. I tell it my weight, that I want to lose 2lbs each week and let the fun begin. Apparently I'm not the only one. There are so many calorie calculations, both verified by the site and just average folks adding their 2 cents based on their own findings and the portions they have consumed. If I can't find my food item there,I begin my search elsewhere. The good thing is I'm able to prepare before a meal. Going out for tacos and tequila? Which is less- battered fish or steak? How many calories are in a skinny margarita? Meeting a friend for cocktails after work? What's the caloric difference between vodka dirty martinis and those made with gin? Counting beforehand, keeps me from blowing my 'count' for the day. It makes me more conscious and cautious about the things I ingest. Also I can prepare. If I want ice cream later on, I keep items I eat during the day, to a minimum. Yes, I've become a sort of food Nazi. But I mean well and I have to be accountable for my weight. How many calories have you taken in today?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
I have been told numerous times "don't get so upset". What most people consider as me being upset, I look at as my natural "spirited" nature. I love a good animated chat, debate even. Things can and do get under my skin. But I think what really gets me riled up is how others have a hard time being understanding about you (me) getting "upset". Because you have deemed something as not important doesn't mean there is no validity to the subject at hand. What is water under the bridge to me, may mean everything to you. When you, with a wave of the hand, blow it off with a "why do you even care?", it seems a little dismissive.
What I have decided, is not to be someone's entertainment. I won't go on one of my Julia Sugarbaker/ Bill Mahr/Tommy Gavin rants for someone else's shits and giggles. I won't provide the laughs as I speak on subjects that mean something to me, no matter how trivial it seems. Some opinions are better left to one's private thoughts. Lesson learned.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
I had a really good weekend. A while back I learned the secret to stretching your weekend. Here are my tips:
Go out during the week. Friday and Saturday nights are, well let's face it, amateur night. Try a Tuesday night activity. Catch a movie on Wednesday. Or do drinks on a Thursday.
To piggyback on the previous point, if you can at least do something Friday, it seems to feel like a lifetime away from Sunday.
If you can, "get up and at 'em" on one of those off days, it just gives you the feeling that you have more of your day.
Finally, if you can help it, be greedy about your days off. Only do what you want to do. You already may feel annoyed by work, why have more tension on your free days. For the parents, I'll give you a pass on this one.
Yep, those are my non- scientific, but tested by yours truly, methods for a successfully stretched weekend. If you have any tips of your own, please share.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
On another neighbor's door across the hall from the deceased was a note giving him the memorial service details and asking if he would like to be a pallbearer. What was weird about that request is that he has not been in the building longer than about 6-8 months at the most. That made me sad. Then I felt like I missed something. I know I could not have stopped her from dying, but I still feel like I have been away too long. I liked that neighbor. I have never been in her apartment, or chatted with her beyond just basic pleasantries, but I liked her. She would speak to me with her body blocking her doorway; I could never see inside. But she never got in my business. When I had a slight flood in my apartment, she left a note on my door warning me not to turn the lights on for fear of electrocution. I remember her walking up and down the hallway stairs as a form of exercise after most of the building was out to work. Once I was awakened early in the morning by my apartment buzzer being pushed frantically; she yelled, in a panic and inaudibly through the intercom, "Fire! Fire!" Another neighbor, who is no longer in the building (thank goodness), had set her apartment on fire in a drunken and/or drugged stupor for the second or third time.
Most people these days don't even know their neighbors; I'm guilty of that myself. So it really saddens me that one of the good, old school neighbors, has literally, left the building.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
The two of us were totally out of our element, my mother being out of practice and me, just out of the know. We were matching item numbers and prices; looking for the right color. There is a major difference between a ball and a rattle ball. One rattles, the other does not. It seems simple now that I know, but I came really close to throwing the wrong item in the bag. A blanket we envisioned in our minds to be full sized, ended up being a cloth that wouldn't even cover my belly (that's not saying much since I can't seem to put the cocktails and brownines down-hold your laughter please) with a cuddly toy attached. "This can't be it", my mom said. "That's it", I replied after carefully reading the description for the umpteenth time. We had a couple of those conversations.
When it was all said and done, I only went $4 over my allowed budget and I got some great items! We tried to mix it up- cute and pratical. Today, just for giggles, I checked the registry again to see if the uber friendly check-out girl (I'm being sarcastic, she barely parted her lips to speak) properly scanned each item to reflect on the list. She did. I must say, it was kind of fun. I could not have invited a more worthy partner in my scavenger hunt. Do you like registries? Or do you prefer gift cards?
Friday, June 1, 2012
Yes, it's good that I am out of the house. If not, I would be on the couch or in bed playing that song over and over and over again. Hoping that it would release me from this feeling. Whatever this feeling is.
Click to listen.
That was earlier...
Now, I feel great! I received one last birthday week roundup gift from 'the Gift' in the form of a gift basket that totally caught me by surprise. A co-worker bought me lunch, which was yummy. And I had a couple of after work drinks with some girls from work. Plus, the sun has come out. I like these 'then and now' posts. They truly help me put things in perspective. What may start out as a crappy morning, can turn into a beautiful afternoon. Cheers to the freakin' weekend!