This past weekend I read a 29-page ebook that has kept me up for two nights. The book, while short, had a powerful message and was centered around one sentence: I AM 100% RESPONSIBLE. Now, that doesn’t sound like much, and believe me I wasn’t immediately moved. But, as my weekend went on, I couldn’t get those words out of my head: I AM 100% RESPONSIBLE. Hmmmmm…..something about that sentence is making me uncomfortable.
In the book, the author talks about making choices and more importantly, taking ownership of those choices. He talks about his own personal experiences of being unhappy in his job, but blaming his mortgage and other bills as the reason why he couldn’t leave. He talks about how out of shape he was, but was convinced he didn’t have time to work out because he worked such long hours. He then shares his story of a personal relationship gone wrong, and cites all of the things she did wrong as the cause. He woke up one morning and realized he was spending too much time “hoping, blaming, complaining and not taking action”. That is when he decided to take 100% responsibility for everything that was preventing him from living the life he actually wanted.
Now I’m thinking….”I have a job I’m not completely happy with….I mean, I know what I want to do…but, I am a single mother of 2 teenage kids…they need a stable environment, and clothes, and shoes, and college tuition….yes, I’ve picked up a few pounds….but I need to come straight home after work and make sure homework is done and do other parenting things….yes, I’m single, just out of a 10 year “relationship”….but it ended because of his lies, his attitude and his inability to commit….yes, I have more outgoing cash than incoming cash some months…but that’s because….…..”
My sleepless nights have made me realize that I have become the queen of sitting around thinking about what could have been if only I had done this instead of that. Lately, I have been sitting around mad at myself for letting a relationship that should have ended 10 days after it started, go on for 10 years. Mad at him for the 10 years of my life I “wasted”. But, he never made me any promises or commitments. He was clear from the beginning about who he is and would always be. He didn’t make me stay, and it’s time I took ownership of that.
I have been convinced that because of my age, my weight, my single parent status, etc, etc, etc, I would not find a stable, loving relationship; so I compromised my values and took what I could get from a man who had no interest in a the things I was looking for in a relationship. MY CHOICE. I spent plenty of nights alone, crying, wondering where he was and who he was with yet welcomed him with open arms when he finally called or showed up. MY CHOICE. I filled my loneliness with one night stands and other destructive behavior. MY CHOICE. I financially invested in him thinking it would somehow show him how much I actually cared. MY CHOICE.
Today, I have decided to conscientiously make different choices. Yes, I have a job I am not completely happy with; but I choose to work that job until I can walk away and spend my free time working on doing what I ultimately want to do for a living. Yes, I am still a few pounds overweight; but I choose to spend at least 30 minutes a day doing some type of physical activity instead of sitting on the couch surfing the internet. Yes, I still have more cash outflows than inflows; but I choose to find ways to cut my expenses and begin to dig out of this financial hole.
And yes, I am still single; but I choose not to be in hurting, unhealthy, destructive relationships that in the end bring me no joy, just for the sake of a relationship. Today, I choose to be 100% responsible.
100% responsible...easy to say, hard to do....but the best thing, the healthy thing to do. I see myself in that e-book....
ReplyDeleteVERY HARD Isajam, but at some point in our lives we have to "man up" and take ownership of our stuff. i have a 55 year old brother who is still blaming our now deceased Mother for his lack of success. really?! come on now...
ReplyDeleteI have had enough mental health sessions to know that soon you have to let the past be just that, the past, and begin your future. It's easy to say someone else is the reason you are this or that way. As old as I am, I am still working on a better me. I still worry about things I should have done for Maya, so I hope she can forgive me for some of the F*ck*d up *h*t I did trying to be happy and rise her also. I live with my 85 year old mother and I had to stop myself from blaming her for who I am. She did her best also. So more than anything, I want to working being 100% responsible and hope that she also can take on the same mindset of being 100% responsible also. I would I to read the e-book.
ReplyDeletehttp://getbusylivingblog.com is where you can find the book. it's very short and to the point. lots of stuff you already know, but at some point forgot along the way.
ReplyDelete100% Responsible, this I needed. Although you may know this information, we all need reminders, especially when we are in present circumstances that may appear as if the world is against you and you are alone. It is good to have a mind check. Things in your life may not be your fault (at all times) but it is your responsibility. I loved this one Chocolate Gurl.
ReplyDeleteWhat an awesome blog!!!! Sometimes I continue to blame others for alot of things that I have created. I thought going to therapy would help...and for the most part it did, but I still find myself stuck in a place that I choose to stay in because I won't take action. This has really motivated me to make choices for ME, not in a selfish way but in a way that is productive
ReplyDeleteTonya, Tonya, Tonya...preach girl! I could write a book titled "not my fault". LOL. I am really good at blaming others, or saying it's out of my control, but in reality, my life is an accumulation of MY choices! And I need to het better at taking my time, examining my options, considering the pros/cons of each choice, and THEN choose.
ReplyDeleteI have a bad habit of just jumping at the first or easiest option without thinking about consequences. It's a bad habit to break, but slowly, surely.....
Angie, that was a powerful post! I'm so happy my message made such an impact with you. I understand the feeling of blaming others for our bad situation. We feel hopeless that things will get better. Only when we start to think "I am 100% responsible" do things start to be more clear. I'm glad it's woken up that sleeping giant inside you!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Benny! I said to my friend Tonya, "who knew a 34 year old white boy would change my life?". LOL
ReplyDeleteBut it's true, you are changing lives! Many of my friends are now following your blog and reading your msgs of inspiration. Thanks again for doing what you were called to do.
And thanks again Maya for giving me this voice! It has been a rough 3 weeks for me, but friends like you make all the difference. I love you!
Wow! This is so powerful. I found your blog through Benny Hsu. It took me a long time to learn this same lesson, and I'm so grateful that you were able to accept it and learn it. What a wonderful place to be. I know your life will continue to grow from this.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite quotes is from "As a Man Thinketh" by James Allen where he says that it is impossible for a person's outside to remain the same when the inside has changed (my paraphrase). You're on the move. Keep going and growing!
Thanks Steve for the words of encouragement. I have been really surprised at the amount of support I have received.
ReplyDelete@ Benny - a friend just pointed out to me that you are not white, so I hope you weren't offended!
@Steve, you're right that when you change your inside, your outside will change for sure. But if you change your outside but not the inside, you'll always go back to the old ways. That's why many people lose lots of weight but then gain it all back. They change the outside but don't change their image of themselves on the inside.
ReplyDelete@Angie No problem! I read it and thought it was funny. No offense taken! Thanks for sharing my blog with your friends. I do my best to get the word out and am glad to have people like you on my side doing that!
@ Benny I read your e-book yesterday. It was great, I saw your picture and yes, you are not white. I enjoyed the e-book, thanks for sharing. I like the E+R = O, event plus response equals outcome, and the note to yourself put up to help you focus. I signed up to follow you on twitter. Again thanks.
ReplyDelete@Isajam, I'm glad you had a chance to read it and enjoyed it. Yes I'm not white. :) Angie was a bit confused there for a second but it's okay with me. I hope sharing those with you will help you out in your life. Thanks for the follow on Twitter. Do send me a Tweet and say hi so I know who you are!
ReplyDeleteLOL @ you both. this blog, these comments, the support i have received has been overwhelming. i have been receiving messages on facebook from total strangers who read the blog and now have hope, who now have the strength to walk away; who have now taken 100% responsibility.
ReplyDeleteNow, instead of being mad and disappointed in the situation, i am THANKING GOD that he gave me this testimony. cause if it helps just ONE person walk away and make a change they didn't think they could make - the last 10 years was all worth it.