I had a long night last night. Longer than I have had in a few weeks. It did not end well. And it left me feeling battered mentally and emotionally this morning. I look a mess. I mean, my eyes are puffy and red and my hair did not want to cooperate this morning. I feel like shit. On my favorite day of the week no less. I woke up with so much on my my mind that I began to minister to myself. It is a love/hate type of thing. I get all up in my own business and try to face the truth. That can be good for breakthroughs, bad for my tear ducts. I made it to work safely. While at my desk, I look up to the T.V. monitor that hangs on the wall in front of me. And what comes on? A Smile Train commercial. Oh, you're not familiar? Google it. Here I am feeling like crap, ready to go home and crawl under the covers, or better yet, under the bed and a Smile Train commercial comes on. Hands down, nothing will make you feel more like a superficial, narcissistic asshole than the Smile Train commercial.
I hear you God. I get it. Count my blessings. Stop sweating the small stuff. I only give you what you can handle. Focus on the good and not the bad. I will pull myself together today. I will try to smile. I will hope and pray that the family portraits that I am taking this evening with my parents don't look like shit. The geniuses behind that commercial have succeeded in making me feel uncomfortable. It is in this discomfort that I shall grow. Here's to planting seeds and forming strong roots. I hear you God. I hear you.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Swinging Doors
"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy."-Author Unknown
A friend posted this on her Facebook page this morning and I thought it was very poignant. Yesterday, I had a phone conversation that solidified the end of a friendship. Later on in the evening, over hamburgers, another friendship's sturdy foundation was being framed. I appreciate God's direction and His timing.
Years ago, when I was about 18 or 19, I overheard a woman mention how years prior she asked God to remove people from her life who meant her harm, were not adding anything good to her life and who were not overall positive people. She said that after doing this, people started "dropping off like flies". I thought this was ingenious and followed suit. I made my request clear to God and tried to verbatum, recite mantra-like, what the woman said. The funny thing about how God works is He does not always make an announcement that He is going to do something, He just does it. Almost immediately, both men and women started literally disappearing from my life. I would have a date with a guy and he would never show, never call. After stalking him and his family for several months (I was young; this was pre- widespread cellphone usage, so I was calling the house phone) I finally got the message, he was no longer interested. Years later, after we reconnected, I discovered, he was an all-around semi-loser: a failed marriage by the age of 30, 3 kids, 2 baby mamas, shitty apartment (not like mine is all that), panties on the floor, etc. I had dodged a major bullet!
There was another boy that I was crazy about, I wanted him so bad! The hopeless romantic in me thought we would be perfect together. But he would just disappear from time to time. What seemed at first to be his flaky-ness, I soon discovered was a greater plan. An exit plan that is. It took forever for me to make the connection, but it was one of the best things that could have happened. He, who is great on paper, was an absolute disaster in more ways than one. Bullet whizzes by ear.
It has not always been guys that have performed disappearing acts. I have had a series of girlfriends whose friendship did not prove to be as loyal as mine. There might be that highly audible silence or the sharp sting of a "defriend" on a social media site. When confronted (and usually that ends up being my role) they wince at my me-ness, i.e. the essence of me being me. Their faces twist and turn and they, whether on the phone or in person, exhibit absolute discomfort.
Yesterday's phone call was no different. After the conversation, I felt a mix of annoyance, irritation and clarity. I have to giggle sometimes because I totally forget my request to God. He, as always, has kept His promise. I, on the other hand, have a short term memory and tend to be heartbroken and confused. I asked Him to remove those individuals without a positive influence in my life, but I did not specify how He should go about doing it. While I am staring at a tree trunk, His sight is 10 miles deep into the forrest. For that I am grateful.
I will admit, I have a bad habit of clinging on. I want desparately for relationships to work. I am nostalgic about how things were, or at least how I perceive them to have been. I spend a lot of time thinking far into the future, about how things might turn out. I try my best to be a good sport. And I tend to miss my "exit stage left" cues. So the fact that God takes time out of His inevitably busy schedule and looks after me is humbling. It, for so many years now, has been my only defence against a potentially bad situation. But not for Him, who knows whom I would be married to, or hanging out with.
But again, that conversation left me clear. Oh, yes, I was to some regard dumbfounded, but a lot of what was said by this friend, I literally (in speculating with other girlfriends and my mom) had already predicted to be the "issue". When we disconnected, I felt sorry for her. But glad for me. Later, a newer friend and I had dinner and I realized that my friendship glass was not really half empty at all. In fact, I just needed a smaller cup. It leaves less room for mis- understandings and interpretations. Our conversation was genuine and honest. In between tears, we laughed- hard. Without me going into details, I mentioned how I would from now on, "just shut the fuck up" because obviously my personality and opinion is a problem (this is what was brought to my attention by my telephone friend). My dinner friend waved off this and said, "you don't even worry about that".
If ever there is any misconception, please let me clarify: my blog is about ME. It is not my commentary on the world, rather commentary on MY life. The good. The bad. The ugly. I do not use this as a forum to challenge anyone's thought. You can look at it as an exposed journal. These are my thoughts and feelings. If you read something and it makes you say, "I don't want to be friends with MJ." You missed the point. As a friend, you could have made this a teaching moment not a time to judge me or my personality missteps.
What the reactions I get from my blog prove to me? That I must be writing well. Well enough that I have ruffled feathers. My descriptions of individuals are steady and honest enough to evoke irritation. You can read my blog and know who it is I am talking about. That, my friends, is good writing. Which makes me happy!! I have crossed a threshhold. Not only with my writing and the blog, but also with my friendships. On this Thanksgiving eve, I am thankful for a creative outlet. I am also thankful for friends, in my life, and those God and circumstances pushed out. I fondly look at life as a series of swinging doors. When one door closes (my friend coming clean about how she really feels about me) another one opens (me having a free-flowing conversation with a newer friend). May God continue to let the door swing.
A friend posted this on her Facebook page this morning and I thought it was very poignant. Yesterday, I had a phone conversation that solidified the end of a friendship. Later on in the evening, over hamburgers, another friendship's sturdy foundation was being framed. I appreciate God's direction and His timing.
Years ago, when I was about 18 or 19, I overheard a woman mention how years prior she asked God to remove people from her life who meant her harm, were not adding anything good to her life and who were not overall positive people. She said that after doing this, people started "dropping off like flies". I thought this was ingenious and followed suit. I made my request clear to God and tried to verbatum, recite mantra-like, what the woman said. The funny thing about how God works is He does not always make an announcement that He is going to do something, He just does it. Almost immediately, both men and women started literally disappearing from my life. I would have a date with a guy and he would never show, never call. After stalking him and his family for several months (I was young; this was pre- widespread cellphone usage, so I was calling the house phone) I finally got the message, he was no longer interested. Years later, after we reconnected, I discovered, he was an all-around semi-loser: a failed marriage by the age of 30, 3 kids, 2 baby mamas, shitty apartment (not like mine is all that), panties on the floor, etc. I had dodged a major bullet!
There was another boy that I was crazy about, I wanted him so bad! The hopeless romantic in me thought we would be perfect together. But he would just disappear from time to time. What seemed at first to be his flaky-ness, I soon discovered was a greater plan. An exit plan that is. It took forever for me to make the connection, but it was one of the best things that could have happened. He, who is great on paper, was an absolute disaster in more ways than one. Bullet whizzes by ear.
It has not always been guys that have performed disappearing acts. I have had a series of girlfriends whose friendship did not prove to be as loyal as mine. There might be that highly audible silence or the sharp sting of a "defriend" on a social media site. When confronted (and usually that ends up being my role) they wince at my me-ness, i.e. the essence of me being me. Their faces twist and turn and they, whether on the phone or in person, exhibit absolute discomfort.
Yesterday's phone call was no different. After the conversation, I felt a mix of annoyance, irritation and clarity. I have to giggle sometimes because I totally forget my request to God. He, as always, has kept His promise. I, on the other hand, have a short term memory and tend to be heartbroken and confused. I asked Him to remove those individuals without a positive influence in my life, but I did not specify how He should go about doing it. While I am staring at a tree trunk, His sight is 10 miles deep into the forrest. For that I am grateful.
I will admit, I have a bad habit of clinging on. I want desparately for relationships to work. I am nostalgic about how things were, or at least how I perceive them to have been. I spend a lot of time thinking far into the future, about how things might turn out. I try my best to be a good sport. And I tend to miss my "exit stage left" cues. So the fact that God takes time out of His inevitably busy schedule and looks after me is humbling. It, for so many years now, has been my only defence against a potentially bad situation. But not for Him, who knows whom I would be married to, or hanging out with.
But again, that conversation left me clear. Oh, yes, I was to some regard dumbfounded, but a lot of what was said by this friend, I literally (in speculating with other girlfriends and my mom) had already predicted to be the "issue". When we disconnected, I felt sorry for her. But glad for me. Later, a newer friend and I had dinner and I realized that my friendship glass was not really half empty at all. In fact, I just needed a smaller cup. It leaves less room for mis- understandings and interpretations. Our conversation was genuine and honest. In between tears, we laughed- hard. Without me going into details, I mentioned how I would from now on, "just shut the fuck up" because obviously my personality and opinion is a problem (this is what was brought to my attention by my telephone friend). My dinner friend waved off this and said, "you don't even worry about that".
If ever there is any misconception, please let me clarify: my blog is about ME. It is not my commentary on the world, rather commentary on MY life. The good. The bad. The ugly. I do not use this as a forum to challenge anyone's thought. You can look at it as an exposed journal. These are my thoughts and feelings. If you read something and it makes you say, "I don't want to be friends with MJ." You missed the point. As a friend, you could have made this a teaching moment not a time to judge me or my personality missteps.
What the reactions I get from my blog prove to me? That I must be writing well. Well enough that I have ruffled feathers. My descriptions of individuals are steady and honest enough to evoke irritation. You can read my blog and know who it is I am talking about. That, my friends, is good writing. Which makes me happy!! I have crossed a threshhold. Not only with my writing and the blog, but also with my friendships. On this Thanksgiving eve, I am thankful for a creative outlet. I am also thankful for friends, in my life, and those God and circumstances pushed out. I fondly look at life as a series of swinging doors. When one door closes (my friend coming clean about how she really feels about me) another one opens (me having a free-flowing conversation with a newer friend). May God continue to let the door swing.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Wildly Composed
Shoshoni believed the Coyote as an indication of an ending. The sighting of
the Coyote was said to bring natural shifts in balance, causing an end (which,
of course, simply makes way for new beginnings, and so on). Essentially, the
Coyote is like a "way-maker" of new direction as it went about its symbolic role
of representing the cycle of life/death in nature. Whatsyoursign.com
Yesterday morning, while on the #6 bus heading downtown, I saw a coyote standing on the Columbus/Museum Campus bus stop. A real, live coyote looking at us as the bus drove past. In typical MJ fashion, I automatically attributed it to me. I figured God had a sign for me and me alone. Yep, that's how I think. Anyway, all day, I was trying to figure out how that sighting could tie into my current life. Was the coyote symbolic of me: wild, free, threatening?...
It took the whole day, and even until this morning before I settled on what I should take from this- if anything at all. Last night, I had a really good time. The kind of good time that is not spilling over with drunken dance parties and gut-busting cackles, but rather an outright affirming evening where you understand that contrary to even some of your own beliefs, you are not crazy. I felt comfortable and even tickled last night. I am going through a transition, or rather others are moving me towards a transition that they themselves are orchestrating. My lesson: just pick up your instrument, shut up and play your part.
There is no need to go into detail about the individual situations that brought me to this enlightened place. I mean in the long run, it's my handling and processing of tests that make up my true testimony. What is important to remember is, there is no need to have an ignominious outburst or outcome to prove my point. In a grad school counseling course, we were taught that no response, is a response. Like the coyote, in both instances, I stood quietly and watched the bus go by.
Yesterday morning, while on the #6 bus heading downtown, I saw a coyote standing on the Columbus/Museum Campus bus stop. A real, live coyote looking at us as the bus drove past. In typical MJ fashion, I automatically attributed it to me. I figured God had a sign for me and me alone. Yep, that's how I think. Anyway, all day, I was trying to figure out how that sighting could tie into my current life. Was the coyote symbolic of me: wild, free, threatening?...
It took the whole day, and even until this morning before I settled on what I should take from this- if anything at all. Last night, I had a really good time. The kind of good time that is not spilling over with drunken dance parties and gut-busting cackles, but rather an outright affirming evening where you understand that contrary to even some of your own beliefs, you are not crazy. I felt comfortable and even tickled last night. I am going through a transition, or rather others are moving me towards a transition that they themselves are orchestrating. My lesson: just pick up your instrument, shut up and play your part.
There is no need to go into detail about the individual situations that brought me to this enlightened place. I mean in the long run, it's my handling and processing of tests that make up my true testimony. What is important to remember is, there is no need to have an ignominious outburst or outcome to prove my point. In a grad school counseling course, we were taught that no response, is a response. Like the coyote, in both instances, I stood quietly and watched the bus go by.
Friday, November 9, 2012
To Antoine
As I type this blog at 3:44pm on a Friday afternoon, all I can think about is how much I want a cocktail- a really good cocktail. A really good dirty martini, just the way I like it: extra dirty, large olives, with ice cold vodka. I want it served up by a friendly, knowledgeable barkeep who knows the importance of letting a girl drink in silence. I want this drink served up, no later than 5:30pm today. My intention is to feel that giggly warmth within before 7pm. So that by 8 o'clock tonight, I already feel as though my weekend has started on the right foot. But what made me type this post, had less to do with my desire for that drink, and more about my need for the company I wanted to share that drink with. Antoine. Sometimes, on a Friday like today, when my workplace is quiet and time is moving extremely slow, I get a strong desire to have afterwork cocktails with Antoine- my best friend. The realization of how impossible this is, makes me (as I did today) come close to tears. I feel so sad. To have a friend, your best friend, so far away is depressing. There are just some events that are best with a "bestie". I love cocktails with anyone, don't get me wrong, but there is something celestial about afterwork cocktails with a good friend. As much as I would like to throw out a message on Facebook or via text to see who would be game, I know it's no use. I will only be disappointed at the "subpar" replacement. Today, I want my best friend. He will be home for Thanksgiving, but it's never enough. There are days when you just need your friend.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Simply Simpatico
I had a refreshing conversation the other day. It was with a girlfriend that I have known for 14 years. As on far too many occasions, I woke up with my mind racing. I was second guessing myself about an issue and needed a bit of advice. I called my uncle. I called my best friend Antoine. Neither one answered. It was 6:30AM. But I figured since they are both on the East Coast, they might be up and at 'em. No such luck. So I called my girl. She was fixing her lunch and getting herself and the baby ready to leave for the morning. God bless working moms! We chatted off and on until 8AM (hanging up when necessary) as she dropped the baby off at school, pumped gas and drove herself to work.
I gave her the scenario which had me concerned and she gave me an honest answer. More importantly, she gave me an answer that best suited me. I have learned the importance of having people who are like you around. Now, obviously, if you have serious issues, you may want to upgrade your friend list. But if that is not the case, it is good to have someone who can see things from your angle. Yes, you want people to tell you the truth, but if it comes served with you and your behavior in mind, it tends to resonate more. My girl is very similar to me. She and I have had a long lasting relationship because we have similar values and ideas about life and love. We have the same taste in clothes (the majority of my hand-me-down wardrobe comes from her), we are about the same size (though not now, she is pregnant with her second child) and enjoy the same foods, outings and entertainment. In a nutshell, if anybody can see things from my perspective, it is her.
Having someone around to give you the sobering 'devil's advocate' truth is nice and all, but it is good to have someone who actually gets you. I have a friend who is quite the opposite. She gives good advice, but there are times when I think her approach is stinging and sharp. I almost have to explain myself, to explain my point of view. But with a friend whom I share a more congenial relationship with, they already know. So the advice is more tailored toward me. I do not need anyone to hold punches, but after ending the phone conversation, it felt comforting to know that I was not only understood, but validated. It was divine order that I spoke to her and no one else. In advising me, and because she knows me so well, she presented a detailed portrait of how she saw the situation and the role I played within it. Demonstrating how my decision was a direct result of the type of person I am; she confirmed that there was no need to worry about the issue that hung over my head, because in the end, I was right.
I gave her the scenario which had me concerned and she gave me an honest answer. More importantly, she gave me an answer that best suited me. I have learned the importance of having people who are like you around. Now, obviously, if you have serious issues, you may want to upgrade your friend list. But if that is not the case, it is good to have someone who can see things from your angle. Yes, you want people to tell you the truth, but if it comes served with you and your behavior in mind, it tends to resonate more. My girl is very similar to me. She and I have had a long lasting relationship because we have similar values and ideas about life and love. We have the same taste in clothes (the majority of my hand-me-down wardrobe comes from her), we are about the same size (though not now, she is pregnant with her second child) and enjoy the same foods, outings and entertainment. In a nutshell, if anybody can see things from my perspective, it is her.
Having someone around to give you the sobering 'devil's advocate' truth is nice and all, but it is good to have someone who actually gets you. I have a friend who is quite the opposite. She gives good advice, but there are times when I think her approach is stinging and sharp. I almost have to explain myself, to explain my point of view. But with a friend whom I share a more congenial relationship with, they already know. So the advice is more tailored toward me. I do not need anyone to hold punches, but after ending the phone conversation, it felt comforting to know that I was not only understood, but validated. It was divine order that I spoke to her and no one else. In advising me, and because she knows me so well, she presented a detailed portrait of how she saw the situation and the role I played within it. Demonstrating how my decision was a direct result of the type of person I am; she confirmed that there was no need to worry about the issue that hung over my head, because in the end, I was right.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
My Body's Betrayal
I don't feel stressed. I don't think I'm stressed. But every time certain topics come to mind. Or certain individuals approach me about certain topics. Or just the thought of being in a situation where certain individuals would approach me about said certain topics come to mind, my eye twitches. At first I thought this was just a random twitch of the eye that has occurred in the past for no apparent reason. But it won't stop. I finally admitted to myself that it may be more than a sporadic reflex of the body when someone asked me a question, or rather made a suggestion that annoyed me. When the conversation concluded, tears started forming in my eyes and it was confirmed: I might have a problem.
I researched this eye twitching online and apparently the remedy is to relax or get more sleep. Dr. Oz disputes the stress theory and says it's the body's way of producing more tears for dry eyes. But because of the timing of the twitching- thoughts of unpleasantness, thoughts of potential unpleasantness, thoughts of how to avoid unpleasantness- I feel there is a direct connection. My body is signaling to me that something is wrong.
Besides the twitching, I have been dreaming every night. Dreams are not bad necessarily, but dreaming does mean you are closer to the surface of conciousness, therefore, not in a deep enough sleep to completely rest. This leaves me tired in the mornings when I awake. My uncle, the therapist, prescribes relaxing. But how does one relax when there are so many negative thoughts penetrating my mind? I am good at relaxing, don't get me wrong. I put the "re" in relaxing! But the more mellow I am, the easier it is for certain thoughts to creep into a seemingly empty brain. I will still give it a try. My mom's remedy is to eat healthier foods that will boost my energy and psyche. So as I munch on this apple and look at the empty bowl that once held the raw salad (no dressing) I just devoured this morning, I am hoping for a miracle.
This twitching has to stop. It is not only annoying, but it serves as a reminder that all is not well. And that's not good. As much as I want to put things together on the outside, like everything is okay, it apparently is not. It took my body's 'betrayal' to tell me this. Okay body, I'm listening now. You have my full attention.
I researched this eye twitching online and apparently the remedy is to relax or get more sleep. Dr. Oz disputes the stress theory and says it's the body's way of producing more tears for dry eyes. But because of the timing of the twitching- thoughts of unpleasantness, thoughts of potential unpleasantness, thoughts of how to avoid unpleasantness- I feel there is a direct connection. My body is signaling to me that something is wrong.
Besides the twitching, I have been dreaming every night. Dreams are not bad necessarily, but dreaming does mean you are closer to the surface of conciousness, therefore, not in a deep enough sleep to completely rest. This leaves me tired in the mornings when I awake. My uncle, the therapist, prescribes relaxing. But how does one relax when there are so many negative thoughts penetrating my mind? I am good at relaxing, don't get me wrong. I put the "re" in relaxing! But the more mellow I am, the easier it is for certain thoughts to creep into a seemingly empty brain. I will still give it a try. My mom's remedy is to eat healthier foods that will boost my energy and psyche. So as I munch on this apple and look at the empty bowl that once held the raw salad (no dressing) I just devoured this morning, I am hoping for a miracle.
This twitching has to stop. It is not only annoying, but it serves as a reminder that all is not well. And that's not good. As much as I want to put things together on the outside, like everything is okay, it apparently is not. It took my body's 'betrayal' to tell me this. Okay body, I'm listening now. You have my full attention.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Censor-y Deprivation
I do not like to be censored! But, I also do not like offending and isolating others. I have been advised by my best friend and beau that everything that comes to mind, does not need to be divulged. All those constant thoughts that run through my mind at all times of the day and night, need not be expressed in my writing. If I take this into account and my already self-imposed stern rule of not using real names without permission, not telling stories that involve the personal business of others and tying any stories about others into my own personal growth and revelations to avoid being a gossip blog. I rarely discuss celebrities. I do not touch upon politics. I skirt around race issues. And with the exception of my monthlong daily blogging challenge I took earlier this year, I make a point of writing when I feel I really have something to say.
A recent post was the catalyst of the advice given. Although everything in the post was how I truly felt and I did not exaggerate the situation to make the story more enticing, I was told it was unnecessary. That if by chance the parties involved were to decide out of the blue, 'hey, I want to read MJ's blog today...for the first time...in my life' and read it, they would instantly recognize themselves. Did I feel a pang in my side as I made the decision to write and publish it? Yes. Did I purposely only share the link on my Facebook fan page, not my home, where I am friends with that individual? Yes. And yet I wanted, and did, post it anyway. The Gift, never said anything, so I thought I was in the clear. My bestie, who casually, but usually never reads my posts (I tell him everything anyway, so he already knows the stories) gave me the 'shame on you' humph. He told me I was "stirring the pot" unnecessarily. So in a phone conversation with the Gift during a lunch break, he confirmed that he did indeed read it and that it embarrassed him. He said he did not want to tell me what to do, instead he instructed, "do what you want to do." Which I am wise enough to know is guy-speak for, "take that shit down." So I did. And told him that I did. To which he thanked me.
That is the only post I have ever removed after publishing. The rebel in me proclaims, 'you can't tell me what to do!' But my mature self, who has no desire to embarrass my guy, overrides this thought. Is it worth it? I want my blog to be free and open. I started writing it as a journal. The bestie says there are some topics that need to just be written down privately in an actual journal and not broadcast on the worldwide web. Or he suggested that I just tell him, if I need to get something off my chest. I have always taken pride in my writing and the platform I have built with my blog. But the thought of having to be so particular about what I say and how I say it, left me feeling conflicted. This is such a good outlet, but it's not worth any damage my words can cause. As I sit here, hoping my best friend Antoine hurries up and calls so I can tell him the latest nagging thought that has popped into my mind, I do feel restless. But I also know it is what's best. I think what had me worrying was that I already limit my posts due to my previously mentioned guidelines, and now I have even less to write! At least now, I can return the focus to me and stay away from magnifying, for the world, or in my case that's the 20-50 average readers, what I consider to be other people's "issues".
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." -Maya Angelou
A recent post was the catalyst of the advice given. Although everything in the post was how I truly felt and I did not exaggerate the situation to make the story more enticing, I was told it was unnecessary. That if by chance the parties involved were to decide out of the blue, 'hey, I want to read MJ's blog today...for the first time...in my life' and read it, they would instantly recognize themselves. Did I feel a pang in my side as I made the decision to write and publish it? Yes. Did I purposely only share the link on my Facebook fan page, not my home, where I am friends with that individual? Yes. And yet I wanted, and did, post it anyway. The Gift, never said anything, so I thought I was in the clear. My bestie, who casually, but usually never reads my posts (I tell him everything anyway, so he already knows the stories) gave me the 'shame on you' humph. He told me I was "stirring the pot" unnecessarily. So in a phone conversation with the Gift during a lunch break, he confirmed that he did indeed read it and that it embarrassed him. He said he did not want to tell me what to do, instead he instructed, "do what you want to do." Which I am wise enough to know is guy-speak for, "take that shit down." So I did. And told him that I did. To which he thanked me.
That is the only post I have ever removed after publishing. The rebel in me proclaims, 'you can't tell me what to do!' But my mature self, who has no desire to embarrass my guy, overrides this thought. Is it worth it? I want my blog to be free and open. I started writing it as a journal. The bestie says there are some topics that need to just be written down privately in an actual journal and not broadcast on the worldwide web. Or he suggested that I just tell him, if I need to get something off my chest. I have always taken pride in my writing and the platform I have built with my blog. But the thought of having to be so particular about what I say and how I say it, left me feeling conflicted. This is such a good outlet, but it's not worth any damage my words can cause. As I sit here, hoping my best friend Antoine hurries up and calls so I can tell him the latest nagging thought that has popped into my mind, I do feel restless. But I also know it is what's best. I think what had me worrying was that I already limit my posts due to my previously mentioned guidelines, and now I have even less to write! At least now, I can return the focus to me and stay away from magnifying, for the world, or in my case that's the 20-50 average readers, what I consider to be other people's "issues".
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." -Maya Angelou
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