Task Complete: How I Pushed Through When All I Wanted to Do Was Walk Away and Crawl Under the Covers

I did it! Yep, I’m done. You know how you sign up for something and quickly realize it is a bad idea? Well this is what happened to me. I was in a women’s service organization for about 4.5 or 5.5 years (I lost count after about month 8th). I decided to take a leadership position, because I thought that would make my experience better than it had been. I was wrong. It made it worse! I was annoyed, frustrated and angry from the onset. But that part of the story isn’t as important as this one- I finished! As of this past Wednesday, June 1st, I finished my task and honored my commitment. The organization’s schedule runs from June to May essentially and so last week marked the end. I had resigned my membership in February. I had a few loose ends to tie up before being completely done. On Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, I took time out to e-mail the participants of the committee I oversaw and thanked them, collected my year-end survey results, reached out to the head of my council and scheduled a transition meeting with the two women who will be taking over after me. (Yes, it was realized that this should not be a one person job.) When I tell you I felt accomplished, honey, listen!

It was during my very own transition meeting conference call last year, that I knew this was going to be a long assignment. With me working by myself, I only had my friends, both in and outside of the organization to vent to. I spent a lot of time trying to figure things out on my own or to good friends who would instruct me to “not send that letter”. I have had e-mails proofed and heavily edited by friends at work to keep from unleashing my condescending tone to someone I thought deserved it. But I made it. Through all of the many micro-aggressions, the rude comments and the long-ass meetings, I made it. The back and forth e-mails to answer questions I deemed obvious, I made it. I am proud of myself for holding my tongue, when my mind wanted to let loose. I pat myself on the back for staying gracious in the face of constant second-guessing. 

I learned a lot about leadership in this particular role. The title does not make people instantly respect you, it’s your actions and how you handle yourself. Then there are some people who still won’t. But I marched on. When I had low attendance to the events I hosted, I did not take it personally, I just thanked those who showed. I started choosing dates and times that worked best for me, instead of trying to please the entire group at large. I started supporting my own decisions. Even if it meant not showing up to every single meeting I was invited to, in order to show favoritism to my priorities and things I actually enjoyed. I sent out holiday cards instead of pouting. I ended every e-mail with an “Enjoy your day!” or “I hope everyone has a great holiday!”, instead of rolling my eyes. I kept things positive. I responded to requests on time. I apologized for oversights or mistakes, taking full responsibility for things that were by no means a big deal. I helped out when I could. And I made it. I did well. I spent so much time thinking I was in over my head, but the truth is, sometimes that’s what leadership feels like. It is not always easy. It just simply is. I am glad I pushed myself. And most importantly, I finished. I completed the task!

The Art of Being Alone

It's a fine line between being alone and feeling lonely.  I have found that there is an art to being alone.  Sometimes aloneness can feel perfectly natural and good, and at other times, absolutely depressing. What I used to define as a lack of activities and energy, I now see as more of a lack of esteem and confidence.  I have found that the more I become unconditionally comfortable with myself, the more I enjoy being by myself.  And I don't mean that as a "I can do bad by my damn self" type of sentiment, but rather, I really enjoy my own company and spending time alone.  In years past, I could do this from time to time, but it either took a lot of effort, or the feeling would be fleeting.  I would try to schedule all kinds of activities and appointments with friends and family.  I wanted someone by my side a lot of the time.  I felt like I needed it.  Truthfully, I didn't then and I don't now.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family and I love spending time with them.  It's just that now, I look forward to being at home.  In her book Why You're Not Married...Yet, author Tracy McMillan writes about "coming home to [insert your name here]".  That's what I have been doing, coming home to myself.  I view my home and time alone as a respite.  It rejuvenates me.  And when I have had enough of the outside world, I know I have a place to come home to.  But catch this:  home is not the building, home is ME.  Just like "home" is YOU.  I feel like the more I look to myself as a place of shelter, the less I seek out others to fill the "voids" I may see myself as having.  Whether binge-watching my favorite shows, having a cocktail to cap off my day, journaling, meditating, trying out a new recipe or a long soak in the tub with a book, I treat myself well by allowing myself to just be.

What are some of the things you like to do alone?

All Up in My Feelings

I am a feeler.  I feel strongly.  No matter if it's sadness, joy, anger- it comes strong, frequent and pure. What I used to be annoyed and embarrassed by when it came to my sad feelings, I now embrace.  Because in my wisdom, I now know that what my uncontrollable tears mean, or my anger suggests is that I am not good.  My discomfort signals that it is time to slow down and evaluate where I am and where I want to be. Lately, I've noticed in an effort to be "mature" (I guess), and in control of my feelings, I have been suppressing me and messages God is trying to convey to me.  My body doesn't like it.  Twice in eight months a small patch of hair has fallen out.  My cravings for chocolate go beyond good chocolate, but move to drugstore finds.  My dreams are more aggressive and I am angry or moody.  But when I talk, I cry and when I cry there is release.  So I have been talking lately.  A lot.  My friends have provided advice.  An attentive ear.  And suggestions.  I have greedily taken each.  It's not the best feeling when your eyes start to leak at inopportune moments, but it lets me know there is something deeper to observe.  And that is the time to listen...and learn.

How do you release tension when you're feeling stressed, sad, emotional?

Can I Get a Ride?

My car was recently out of commission.  I needed brake pads, rotors and calipers- I think, I'm not really sure what that all means, except my car was smelling and loud as hell when I drove it.  Apparently, my calipers (or was it my rotors?) locked and caused my car to feel like I was driving with the emergency brake on.  I was quoted a price for the parts and service and scheduled an appointment for this past Monday.  The cost caught me a bit off guard and I wasn't prepared to pay when I first got the diagnosis.  So for about a month, my car sat in my building's parking lot, un-driven.  For what had been at times a very inconvenient month, I schlepped through the city on bus, train or on the passenger side of whoever was willing to drive me wherever.  The rest of the time I spent in the house catching up on my DVR recordings (I had 'Tonight Show' episodes that dated back to the end of summer), cooking, eating and reading.  I had not been to the gym; I didn't just tool around town.  When I grocery shopped, it's my mom who usually took me.  Or my good girlfriend and neighbor would give me a lift on her way to work, and I rode the bus back when done.


Besides my car being out of commission, my budget has been hard to resuscitate as well.  Funds are low.  Through it all, I didn't complain, but rather exercised truth-telling and humility.  Asking for a ride to or from my mom's house is not always easy.  Informing your beloved book club that, although you would love to, you're unable to meet the group at Fig & Olive for the next meeting, but instead could host a brunch potluck at your place, is not fun.  It took me several days to muster the energy and courage to do so.  Yes, taking the bus and train everywhere, even on the weekends (I'm a public transportation commuter for work during the week) can give you that New York feel.  I think of all my New York friends who hop on and off subway trains to go to parties, the movies, meet friends for dinner, etc. and I think, 'You're being a baby.'  But I'm a South Side Chicagoan, where everything is spread out and not walking distance.  Plus, I am spoiled by organic, natural and specialty foods and products.  I find myself having a hard time buying my meats, cheeses and poultry anywhere other than Whole Foods or Trader Joe's.  I read labels obsessively sometimes, making it hard for me to just shop at any grocer in the neighborhood.  What the fuck is high-fructose corn syrup anyway?!

All of this put me in the position to have to ask for help and share my truth.  It tested my friendships and relationships with others.  I had to humble myself and say 'I need help'.  I hated it, but loved it at the same time.  Although I hated doing it, I love that people do care enough to help.  And it releases me from the unattainable goal of being a superwoman.  I stood blindfolded so to speak with courage, as I awaited someone's answer.  Yes or No- it seems simple enough, yet it was a real challenge.  But challenges are meant to be met, right?

Done. And Done!

I recently started online dating.  Don't worry, I have given myself a three month max time limit which is fast approaching.  A young man expressed a bit of interest (he wasn't serious) and decided he would send me a quick questionnaire asking me generic (I'm sure he thought they were thought-provoking) questions like:  "what are you cooking for dinner" and "what do you plan to accomplish this year."  The dinner was kale, sauteed.  The question about my goals, which came across a bit snarky, like "what are your plans?  Do you think beyond right now?"  This actually made me think deeper, in between my chuckling at this little boy (he was late 20s or had just hit 30).  What were my goals for this year?  I answered him in an exact, concise manner, where he (a fellow gemini) should have been able to read my own snark-iness.  "I have hit all of my goals for this year."  Yep!  MJ has met all of her major goals and started on some smaller monthly ones.  Lose 20lbs- I lost 23.  Sucessfully complete my gym's bikini fitness challenge-done!  Finally visit Paris-traveled there and to Amsterdam in March.  Get a new job- I just finished my 4th week, yesterday.

I had to pat myself on the back- I DID that!  I found it funny, in June, when this exchange happened, that someone would ask the question about my goals for the year.  At that point the year is almost over!  If you've got a few 'to-do' items on your annual list, get them done.  Now is the time.  What are you waiting for? Tackle your goals hard and fast, but be sure you enjoy the journey.  Take time to give yourself more milder goals to discover along the way or do like I have done-keep it light and easy breezy.  There isn't anything I am feeling pressured to do for the remainder of the year.  So I can slow down and enjoy these next four months-creating new goals for 2015.

Let's Get Happy

I recently asked life and career coach, Rosie Guagliardo, to answer some questions; I wanted her recommendations for those who have not quite kept their New Year's resolutions, people who struggle with wintertime blues and to find out how to deal with loneliness during what seems to be a never-ending cold and snow season.

Do you believe in New Year's Resolutions?
No, I actually don't believe in them.  The main reason New Year's Resolutions don't work is that they are often based on what you think you "should" do.  It feels like a forced effort based on an external reason (e.g., the start of a new year).  Research shows that only 8% of people achieve their resolutions, and that's because they are only pursued using willpower- which wanes over time.

Instead, what I recommend is thinking about what desired outcomes you'd like to experience.  This allows you to have a deeper connection to what you're pursuing and you can create an inspired plan to experience it.  For example, I used to make a New Year's resolution to lose ten pounds.  But, then I realized I really didn't care about weighing a certain amount.  What I did care about was having energy and feeling fit.  So, I refined my desired outcome to reflect those two desires.  Now my health goals are based on what I value, and I was more motivated to achieve them.  The result is that I feel better than ever.  (And the weight came off, too!)

Do you suggest a person set smaller goals for short periods of time throughout the year, or focus on one large goal to achieve per year?
I think focusing on a few smaller desired outcomes is best.  Then, you can break those down into what I call "process" goals that lead you to experiencing your main desired outcomes.  So, think of the baby steps you need to take on a daily basis.  Like an athlete who trains for his performance, think about what you need to do periodically to feel happier in the end.  Ideally, you can ritualize these actions or behaviors to make them consistent so you won't need willpower to succeed.

Smaller outcomes help reduce the chance of feeling failure, too.  But remember, life isn't about being perfect, so anticipate some failure and make space for recovery.  You might even want to reframe failure to focus on the effort you're making.  If you weren't trying, you couldn't fail!  It's just part of the process toward feeling happier.  And, stay in tune with your overall desired outcome by asking whether you're going in the right direction, even if there have been some setbacks along the way.

The holidays are over, most of us have already forgotten about or altered our 2014 goals.  What do you suggest for getting back on track with those resolutions which were so important just a few months ago?
You can start by reviewing them to confirm they're still appropriate for you.  Gaining clarity on what you want may take some time, so be patient.  If you feel that you can easily create goals (or desired outcomes) but sometimes have trouble pursuing them, it could be because the ones you created aren't what you genuinely want in your heart.  Or, they just need to be modified to be more in line with what you want.  There are several ways to confirm or refine your desired outcomes to ensure you feel happier and more excited about pursuing them.  Here are a few examples I've used:

• Ask yourself, "What is the purpose behind each outcome?  Is it something I want to pursue or feel like I have to pursue?"  If you feel that you "have" to pursue it, then get rid of it.  If it's an outcome you "want" to pursue, remind yourself of why it is important to you.
• If you feel that you haven't made much progress towards your desired outcomes, visualize how you want to feel and what you want your life to look like when you're achieved each one.  Use that vision to identify an incremental next step that will move you in the right direction.
• If you're still unmotivated to take next step toward your desired outcome, try to make that action step more fun.  For example, if you don't like exercising at the gym, bring a friend along who energizes you, or go for a hike instead.

And then, after you feel that your desired outcomes really resonate with you, make sure you have the structure and support needed to sustain the energy to achieve them.

Studies have shown that season depression does in fact exist.  What are some tips you can give to people who are having a hard time coping with the long winter months?  Everyone cannot get away for the season, what can a person whose budget or time will not permit traveling to a sunny tropical climate do to keep "sane"?

Obviously, getting the light you need (possibly through light therapy) along with proper nutrition and fitness makes a difference.  But, there are a few other ways to generate, maintain, and revitalize your energy.  One way to generate energy is to help others through volunteering.  Positive psychologists say volunteering helps provide you a sense of purpose by committing yourself to something outside of yourself.  You'll also create connections which can help safeguard you from feeling isolated and ultimately boost your mood.  Research actually shows that expressing compassion and generosity impacts your well-being, and reveals that when you give, the pleasure centers of the brain are activated (just like when you enjoy dessert or sex).

A way to maintain your energy is to visit with friends before you start feeling down.  Don't wait until you're feeling the effects of seasonal depression to reach out to friends.  They'll help you keep you good mood intact.

Finally, a way to revitalize your energy is to create and use a "Happy Box."  Remember that happiness isn't an absolute or a destination.  Instead of asking "Am I happy?" ask yourself "How can I be happier?"  Write down several actions you can take that make you feel happier (e.g. calling a friend, meditating, taking a bath, etc.) and put them in a box.  Whenever you're feeling disconnected from your best self or feeling down, reach for your "Happy Box" and do one of the things to feel happier!

Regarding both romantic and familial relationships in general, winter can feel lonely and isolating at times, what can single people or people who are away from loved ones do to keep their spirits up?

Because it's difficult being away from loved ones, it's so important to remain connected to them - even if only phone.  Connecting on a consistent basis will keep your spirits up because you can enjoy the anticipation of talking with them as well as the actual discussions.  Try to ritualize the behavior by planning ahead and blocking out time in your calendar to reach out to loved ones.

I'd also suggest contemplating what you love most about those relationships.  Is it how safe you feel, loved, inspired, or connected?  Whatever it is, take time to be grateful for those relationships and really feel the feelings associated with them.  A study by Robert Emmons and Michaels McCullough (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) revealed that people who focus on what they are grateful for are both emotionally and physically healthier.

If you keep thinking about what you're lacking, you'll keep noticing what you don't have, and you'll keep thinking you're not getting what you want.  If you shift your thoughts to focus on what you do have and what makes you happy, your brain will continue to notice the abundance in your life, leaving you feeling grateful and ultimately happier.

What do you say to people who have the philosophy that winter should be reserved for hibernation:  "I'll start exercising, dating, looking for a new job, break up with him/her, eat better when the weather breaks"?

I think you can positively leverage the spirit of the winter season, which includes slowing down, resting more, and reflecting while the weather is cold.  But, I don't recommend waiting to live the life you desire.  My philosophy is to create your vision for the future and balance that with your current realities.  This approach allows you to effectively pursue long-term desired outcomes while living a happier life every day.  So even during the winter, let your vision guide and inspire you during your daily life and find the baby steps you can take toward your desired outcomes.

And remember, to remain motivated during the cooler winter months, confirm your desired outcomes are based on what you truly want and aim to keep your spirits high.  By the time the weather is warmer and Spring begins, you'll be in a better position to experience the renewing energy of the season ans even more inspired to pursue your desired outcomes.

     Rosie Guagliardo has loved being a life and career coach for 7 years and the founder of InnerBrilliance Coaching, LLC.  She is also a beauty-seeking, lover of life, Italian-American who wears "Rosie-colored" glasses while being pragmatic, purposeful, and results-oriented.  The combination of these qualities inspires her to help women honor themselves and each other by seeing perfection within and all around them -- in themselves, in others and in every moment of life.  This approach to life motivates a woman DAILY to realize her life vision with ease, joy, and grace.  
     Ultimately, Rosie's desire is for a woman to radiate her true essence and navigate life gracefully so she can experience her deepest wishes.  And, for her 80 year old self to have stories she would be proud to tell.  Rosie's philosophy is become passionate about your already perfect self, others, and life...and your path becomes perfect for you.  Click to find out more.

My Regrets

So I did something last year that I am ashamed of.  I did something that breaks my heart when I think about it.  Yes, I, MJ made a mistake.  I reluctantly did something I am still regretting to this day. I deleted my work.  My writing, that is.  For this very blog.  I made a decision based on love and a warped sense of loyalty to someone other than myself.  I thought I was okay with the choice that was (reluctantly) made at the time, until I was recently re-telling the story and started bawling my eyes out.

I posted a lamentation about the pains of double dating.  I expressed how in most double dates, two friends want to get together and expect the “dates” to instantly fall in love.  Sometimes it happens, in the particular case I was referring to, it did not.  The post was dated and the incident itself happened in 2012.  My boyfriend at the time was uncomfortable with what I wrote and how it might affect his friend’s feelings or their friendship.  He felt that although I was speaking the truth (the girl was socially awkward and a complete bore!) it may reflect badly on him.  I offered to delete the post because I wanted to avoid hurting or upsetting him.  I later talked to my best friend, who provided similar advice.  He felt that if I want to write something that could possibly upset others, I might consider just journaling my thoughts privately.  I took this into account as well.  I felt shaky about deleting the post, but felt that it was the "right thing" to do.  But it felt so wrong.  I am pissed off because I have no record of the post.  I completely deleted it from my life.  

Here is my issue:  I have done something for the sake of others and their feelings, when all the while, my feelings were not being considered.  And for what?!  Neither of the couples are even still together!  I have decided to train myself in being more direct and authentic in my feelings and beliefs.  This includes being true to my craft.  It may not fit everyone’s fancy, but in the words of Erykah Badu (who celebrates a birthday today), “keep in mind that I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my shit”!  

One of my main goals this year is to continue to discover and in essence heal myself.  What I have learned thus far is I am a natural nurturer.  I am a caretaker.  I try to please and not rock the boat.  In the process, however, I have found my boat sometimes has water seeping in.  I have been secretly and subconsciously harboring my true feelings about deleting the post, until last Saturday when I retold the story to a virtual stranger.  I was so very upset.  I write because I enjoy it, because it is a necessity- because I have a lot to say.  I deleted my work to pacify someone I am not even with today.  I did it so he would not upset someone else.  All along, no one worried or cared about my feelings.  

This blog has alienated me from “friends”.  I have been talked about because of it.  I am pretty sure that a certain someone who is no longer my friend, still reads and keeps up with it.  What the what!!??  I think it’s good, but not good enough to read if you do not like the person who creates it.  

I have been subtle and concerned.  I have hemmed and hawed about clicking the “publish” button.  I have a whole shitload of content I want to release that’s floating in my head.  All I keep thinking is, what if this person reads it?  Or what is so-and-so going to think?  There are thousands of blogs available.  There are blogs about style, decorating, comedy, hell, I know of one solely dedicated to Bloody Mary drinks.  There is enough to write about.  There is enough to read.  Find one that suits you best.  My blog is mine.  I created it.  I create the majority of it’s content.  It is my baby.  My love.  My outlet.  One of my 2014 goals is to be my most authentic self.  My initial fear was, in being this person, in being me, I might offend others.  That’s no longer my problem.  It’s yours.

10 Things I Learned (or were reiterated) in the Year 2013

          1.   Friends come and go…

It sounds sad to say, because friendship is such an important part of most of our lives.  The fraternity, Omega Psi Phi, has the motto “friendship is essential to the soul.”  And I think whomever came up with that motto was on to something.  Friendship is essential.  Friends are the family you get to choose.  The difference, even if you decide not to associate with family, is that they are still your family.  Friendships can evolve and change, or rather the people within the friendships can evolve and change.  No matter how many good times you have with a person, those experiences do not always result in a happy future.  Whether I released or I was released from friendships, I made a point of learning from the experiences and cherishing the good times.  But I also clung tightly and fiercely to those positive and healthy relationships that were stable and genuine.  You will never know who your friends are only in good times.  You can never truly understand what it takes to make a friendship work by partying and socializing with people.  The best barometer of a quality friendship is your tough times- the times when you both have misunderstandings or get on each other’s last damn nerves.  That is how a good and solid friendship is measured.  

2.   It is important to allow people an out or a ‘no’…

Why?  Because you want others to give you ‘outs’.  Once I became what I consider a grown woman, I started taking my free time more serious.  I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.  So, when I host an event (lately I have been averaging three a year), I have learned that everyone on my invite list will not and cannot show up.  Whatever the reason or excuse, I cannot worry about it.  There have been people whom I make sure I support and attend any and everything they invite me to, in order to show my support, but when my events roll around there are conflicts with schedules, there are uninterested replies, there is lack of time management.  One good girlfriend, whom I love, plainly said she could find better things to do for three hours than come to my vision board party.  Ouch!  (Love you April!)  You know what?  I still love them all.  I know how important it is to say ‘no’ sometimes.  I know how special free time is.  I also know as women, especially, we should not guilt each other into doing things we wish not to do.  Society does enough of that already.  This past weekend I hosted a burning bowl ceremony (you write on a piece of paper what you want to rid yourself of in the new year to “burn” and on a separate sheet, what you would like to replace those things with instead, to be revisited several months in the future) at my home where 11 people were scheduled to show up, but even an hour into the event I was receiving cancellations.  No worries.  The three women who did show up and myself had a wonderful time.  My friends commented on how much more comfortable they felt disclosing their true feelings and goals with the small group.  Everyone who should have been there or needed to be there was there.  I held no hard feelings towards those who could not make it.

3.   I like the new Beyonce album...

I have had some really great discussions with some friends shortly after it came out about the release, the content, the marketing, her message (if any) and I came to the conclusion that I just like the album.  I like her being a bit raunch.  I like her continuing to express that she is indeed a grown ass woman.  It is the same reason I love Ledisi’s sexy new look, album cover and video for “I Blame You”.  I like seeing women evolving!  I like the growth process of womanhood.  I like the many facets of this womanhood.  I like owning my own sexuality and applaud other women for welcoming and exploring theirs.  

4.   I move slow...

Let my mom tell it, I have always been slow:  getting dressed, cleaning up, arriving to parties.  I can finally admit that she is right.  What does a good off day look like to me?  Taking my time in the morning.  Easing into my outfit.  Playing music, eating a bit and lounging in between.  I get up everyday at a certain time so that I can be at my gig based on someone else’s rules.  On my off days, I like to do as I please as slow as I please.

5.   Hosting is fun and fulfilling...

I am more comfortable at it and can take my time and enjoy myself in the process.  Although the previously mentioned Burning Bowl event was mentally constructed in my mind, I got up that same morning, decided upon what was needed and purchased everything accordingly.  Then after eating and relaxing while watching T.V., I gave myself two hours to put everything together.  I was stress-free and enjoyed the process.  I also have been noticing that I would consider myself a pretty good, if not good, host.  I have learned that it does not take much for an event to be a success- just good people.  Good food and drinks do not hurt either!  But even with that, I make everything a joint effort.  I am a fan of the potluck.  I come up with my menu and ask if people can bring things that would compliment what I was preparing.  It makes it easier for me, plus my guests do not have to worry about what to bring.  It is fulfilling to allow people into your home and serve them and enjoy them in your space.  I also love when people like my cooking.  When I was little my step mother used to watch me eat and ask me over and over if I thought it was good.  It annoyed me at the time, because I could never say ‘yes’ enough.  But now I fully understand.  You want people to like your cooking, your food selection, your drinks.  It matters and it feels good when they do. 

6.   I have finally found my perfect bra...

It is black.  It has detachable straps (I prefer it strapless).  It is Calvin Klein.  It was purchased at Nordstrom.  It is amazing!  I do not wash it as much as I would normally because I cannot stop wearing it!  

7.   There is no need to “should” people...

I have learned from my Iyanla Vanzant daily StimuMail, that there is no need to waste time “should-ing” people.  That is when you say, “they should have done this” or “you should have done that”.  Everyone does exactly what they are meant to do to bring you, me and them to the place where they are supposed to be.  In other words, everything does happen for a reason, no matter how stupid and inconsiderate we think that reason is.  What is done is done and I must not react to the individuals, rather respond based on my core values.  I cannot control any other human, but myself.  So whatever should have been done, is not my concern.  My concern and my responsibility, regardless, is to move forward despite what “should have” been. 

8.   I gained weight, and I was okay with it...

I typically gain winter weight.  But this year after doing a few cleanses and dropping pounds by being conscious of what I ate, I let the cards, or rather, the fat fall as it may.  I exercised a bit on a regular basis leading up to November.  Then I decided to sign up for my fitness center’s 2014 Bikini Challenge.  Which meant, I decided to stop working out all together this month and eat as I wished.  I have to admit, I have enjoyed the process.  As juicy as I have gotten, I felt sexy and confident in my skin.  I giggled as I looked at my stomach rolls while getting dressed.  I silently shook my head as I heard the inner thighs of my pants rub together.  I threw my hands up when zippers busted and certain dresses would involve me becoming a contortionist in order to get in them.  Again, I enjoyed it!  I did not throw any clothes away, but I did not dare buy any new clothes either.  I know these 15 extra LBs will be gone by March and I type that with confidence.  So yes, I will indulge in the rest of this pound cake.  Why of course I will take bacon and a fried egg on that burger- don’t forget the cheese!  I am comfortable with the skin I am in, and after a clumsy breakup which caused me to doubt myself and lose some of my teflon self-esteem, that means a lot!  And it took a lot for me to get there.  Catch me in 2014, bet I’ll be tight.

9.   Forgiveness is necessary for forward movement...

Forgiveness allows growth and new grounds to be broken.  Forgiveness of others releases you from being connected to people through your anger and hurt.  To forgive is to live free.  To let go of the past and truly embrace the present.  I had to forgive a number of people this year.  Not always verbally to them directly, but usually through my silent prayers.  I had to pray through the hurt, the betrayal and confusion I felt others had inflicted on me.  I needed to be free of the individual’s or the particular situation’s hold of me.  After forgiving this person for not being upfront and honest and for what I considered wasting my time.  And forgiving that person for talking about me behind my back and rallying others to do the same.  Then forgiving those who I felt created unnecessarily hostile environments or were just plain rude.  And those who just believed the lies of others and abandoned me.  After all of that forgiveness, I took time and wholeheartedly forgave MYSELF.  That, I found, was the ultimate act of forgiveness.  Forgiving myself for the hurts and the pains that I played a part in and considered myself responsible for having happened.  I forgave myself for not being more thoughtful or cautious when entering some relationships.  I forgave myself for not taking time to tap into what I was actually feeling when those feelings arose instead of just going with my gut which has been off since the ‘90s!  I forgave myself for my role in some of the shenanigans I encountered.  I forgave myself in order to embrace myself fully.

10.  I have to be gentle with myself...

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with all of the above.  I have tried my darndest to learn and act on this lesson.  It ain’t easy!  But it is necessary for my well-being.  I am not a failure.  Although I am not always right, I am not always wrong either.  Some things that look like mess-ups or mistakes are actually blessings.  I am good.  I am enough.  I am ok.  If for no other reason than because of Who created me.  I have been working hard to change the “tapes” in my head that have me doubting or criticizing myself.  The small voice that always has a harsh comment whenever an obstacle presents itself or things do not go according to plan, has been slowly substituted with words of encouragement or sometimes just silence.  I am working on just being.  Taking life and it’s blows as they come and understanding the importance of each in retrospect.  

Happy New Year!!  What are your best lessons learned 2013?  

Singularly Single

I am single.  Again.  There, I said it!  It is not something I thought I would be facing at this point again, but it is what it is.  You live.  You learn.  You move on.  No hard feelings.  The most glaring initial problem with break-ups is getting back acclimated with your single self.  More nights at home alone.  Less confidence in who to choose to accompany you to certain events.  That was always his job.  Although now that I think about it, his work schedule and overall lack of interest in things that interested me left me still having to make that choice, but it still felt like I had more opportunities to have an "escort" or buddy.  But I digress.  There are a few events that have come up recently that I have invited friends to, with no success.  I will be the first to admit- it happens.  Life that is.  My girlfriends have kids, and husbands, jobs, stressful re-occurring life issues, plans, class, work assignments.  Lives.  They need naps, and rest, doctor's appointments, money, and a rain-check.  I cannot be mad.  Is it frustrating?  At times, yes.   But it's adult life. 

So where will I turn for companionship during this re-adjustment period?  Within.  I have decided to take myself on dates.  Not once in awhile, but regularly.  Not in that corny, girl you need to get to know you before you can be with any man! type of way, but in a sincere effort to just keep myself entertained and interested.  I purchased one ticket to see Amel Larrieux in September.  I gladly accepted two tickets to the Black Harvest Film Festival from my boss yesterday, with no idea of who would get the other ticket.  I had struck out with my first three offers.  So before my co-worker showed excitement and I offered her the ticket, I planned on attending the short film series on Love (yes, Love) last night, by myself.  It has been a awhile since I have courted me.  I admit, I'm a bit rusty, but taking care of myself is a necessity.  I cannot wait for the right companion to emerge.  I have to keep moving forward, to make this a smooth transition.  In fact, I am going to take a breather from inviting others to the "party" so much.  If it happens and we get together.  Great.  If not, no biggie.   I think I can handle this alone.

Disbanded

The creator has disbanded this group...

This is the text message I received two Thursday nights ago.  For about a year, I was part of a group text started by a friend.  The group consisted of high friends I became reacquainted with in 2010.  We had connected on Facebook and started hanging out together.  Whether at someone's house for the holiday or while celebrating a birthday, we always had fun.  For all intents and purposes, the group was solid- or so I thought.  Fast forward to last November, around the Thanksgiving holiday.  I noticed that one of the friends had de-friended me on Facebook.  That was odd.  I only knew because I had tried to tag this person in a comment to no avail.  When I went to the person's Facebook page, I was virtually given the long arm- the site asking if I knew this person.  I thought I did.  Apparently I did not. 

I immediately called this girl, who did not answer, but instead texted me stating that she was on another call and would call me back.  She never did.  I knew something was wrong.  Unfortunately, we as a society have become so ingrained and dependent on social media, that you can safely take social cues from your interactions or lack thereof on social juggernauts like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and such.  I knew that this individual whom I had hung out with in person both in the group or separately on our own, was sending me a major message:  We are no longer friends.  I could easily go through the timeline of awkward events that solidified this truth, but I do not want to give anyone undue credit for a very small sub-chapter in my life.  That being said, when I confronted the person about the unfriending, she, in giving me her reasons for dissolving our friendship in a very passive-aggressive way, said that she did not want to "be a shit starter" nor did she want to upset the group by saying anything to the others.  I, being the ever-loyal-sometimes-to-a-fault type of person that I am, followed her lead and decided not to mention anything to the other girls either.  With the exception of a very vague, non-descript, yet, in context re-telling of a small portion of the entire conversation with no names mentioned to exactly one person, I have, to this day not spoken a word about the incident to anyone else within the group.  My side of the story has not been provided.  I have not discussed with anyone my thoughts and feelings about the situation.  Or the details involved.  From the bizarre and reduced interactions, whether on social media or via personal/direct texts and phone calls, I have the feeling I was the only one who kept up her end of the deal.

Overall, my role and positive position in the group's dynamic has changed.  This obvious fact has not made me lose any sleep, but it has caused a bit of anxiety whenever I would receive a text from the group.  I wanted to pull away and no longer interact with the girl who had initiated all of this.  I hate to be uncomfortable and hide my true feelings in an effort to be the "bigger person".  I would rather disassociate myself from certain activities.  Like recently a get-together that was to take place at a restaurant, had been moved at the last minute to the girl's house.  How crazy would that be?  Hey, I know you don't like me, but I decided to show up anyway.  What should I bring- wine?  Um, no.  Since my gut tells me I have been discussed, I am confused as to how this became a suitable option anyway.  If everyone wants to keep the peace.  Why not host events in neutral settings?  Maybe that's me just overthinking things with my analytical self.  I do still have ongoing and positive contact with one of the girls.  For that, I am grateful.  She has not changed and I am appreciative. 

Which brings me to that final group text message.  It gave me a peaceful, internal giggle.  I thought it fitting that the term "creator" was used.  Sometimes, God will rock the boat to get your attention, to move you in a different direction.  Because He does not come down physically to talk to us and hand feed us His plan, we have to listen and listen carefully.  I, in an effort to flex my loyal friendship skills, trying to build upon relationships, which maybe should have stayed more casual, missed key early warnings.  I can look back on conversations with the individual and think, that was a red flag.  That should have been your sign that this was not going to end well.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.  At the time, what I thought were little quirks, I now know were future problems being formed.  Molding resentment towards me for things that are less about me and more about her.  But that text though.  The group has indeed disbanded.  I still enjoy hanging out with that one remaining friend, but I would not be surprised if I do not receive invites to events from the others.  I am confident in saying I do not believe I have done anything intentional to alienate the group, but at this time, it seems we have run our course as friends. 

When I told another girlfriend the complete story, she said, "yeah, you've been iced out."  She continued with a shrug, "besides going to high school with these people, what else do you have in common with them?"  Not much, if anything.  She went on to share some of her own woes with friends who did not stand the test of time.  Friendships can be difficult; they should not be, but they can.  Friendships with women can be even more complicated.  You mix in the insecurities a lot of us deal with that come with trying to be perfect, polite or humble at all costs, and you have the recipe for a troublesome friendship.  I like meeting new people and gaining new friends, but situations like this remind me to tread lightly and keep my eyes open.  Keeping your friend list short and tight seems like the best answer, but even that can be a bit non-progressive when you think about it.  How do you grow, if you have the same group of individuals as friends and never look outside of your circle to let others in your world? 

Whatever the case, I have learned a real strong lesson about taking time, gaining trust and what true friendship really means.  It is not fickle.  Tell me you all did not stop talking to me because someone else stopped talking to me.  It is not random.  I thought a genuine friendship was built, however, it must not have been important enough for you to tell me your feelings in person or at least over the phone.  You just deleted me- via Facebook no less.  It can only thrive if both parties are on the same level mentally and emotionally.  When someone tells you they are crazy, please believe them.  Are there any groups or friendships that you are part of that need to be disbanded?  Do tell.

The Friendship Expert

This morning I read an article entitled Four Ways to Avoid Unnecessary Friendship Drama on Essence.com.  I thought it was honest and poignant, unlike many articles about friendship.  The article, written by Charli Penn, featured friendship expert (I did not know such a thing existed formerly) Shasta Nelson who authored the book Friendships Don't Just Happen!.  Of the four ways listed, the first one struck a chord immediately.  The question posed was How can I show up a little more thoughtfully?  In her answer, Nelson asks:  "she may be jealous, and we don’t want to play smaller to avoid her jealousy, but could we affirm her more?"  POW! 

I read that quote over and over and over again.  It made me think of something my girlfriend Michele told me years ago.  I was meeting up with some friends I had known for a long time, but had only recently started hanging out with.  I wanted to look nice (that's just how I am), but was trying not to shine too much.  The article of clothing in question was my floor-length, fur-trimmed, shearling coat equipped with a big dramatic Little Red Riding Hood-esque hood and a rhinestone embellished tied closure.  I was hanging with Michele before the get-together and was telling her how I had apprehensions about wearing the coat, especially wearing it and stepping out of my "luxury" vehicle.  I did not know what message I would be sending and thought it best to play it down a bit with a more sensible and casual coat.  Michele, whom I first met when I was 19 and she was too grown to invite me to any of her parties or functions with her other grown-ass friends, said this:  "if they're your friends they will accept you just the way you are.  Fur coat and all." 

When I read the article today, I had an aha moment that reverberated from the past.  I no longer want to play smaller to avoid someone else's jealousy.  Although I already try to make a point of doing this, I will consciously affirm my friends more.  If we are friends, let's be that and accept each other, not just flaws and all, but blessings, good attributes and all.  Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately.  Mainly because of some recent shifts in my friendship-sphere.  I say shifts because I cannot fully point them out nor define them definitely as problems, but something is amiss.  My instinct is to look inward, which is always important, but that can be faulty in terms of not taking into account the other party's issue(s).  I cannot think of a better bond than the one between womenfolk.  However, with that bond, as with any other bond, insecurities can erupt.  I want to celebrate my girlfriends and have that love be reciprocated.  If I cannot be all of me around my friends, than with whom can I be myself?  Michele, as usual, was right.  Maybe she should be a friendship expert.

New Year, New Resolve

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  *confetti thrown*

I know it's a bit late, but hey- it's still the beginning of the year!  I typically do not make New Year's resolutions. Although every year I vow to stop cursing for good (and subsequently fail), I like to keep my year rather easy-breezy. But this year, what I have decided is to stop giving needless advice. In conjunction with that, I have also decided to learn how to tune whiners and complainers out. My new motto is, "either do something about it, or shut the fuck up!" The not cursing is a work in progress. This goes for both men and women, friend, family and outsiders alike. But especially women. I get so tired of talk- it's cheap. 

Here's an example: I know someone who would greatly benefit from a life-altering, essentially life-saving surgery. The kicker is, the doctors won't perform the procedure unless this person, we'll call "D", drops about 30lbs. Understanding how hard this could be, those same doctors have provided D with a special diet. If D sticks to this diet, they are confident the weight can be lost- and fast. Now I know diets aren't easy, but D essentially says that it's too hard to do right now. D is dumb. D is no longer my friend- D's choosing, not mine. But I feel stronger and less stressed with D not in my regular rotation of friends. Here is where my "resolution" comes in play, I said nothing to D when I was told this foolishness. Now that we are not "cool" anymore, I can completely ignore and disregard D. Because inevitably, from what I know, D will surely be complaining about the problem that could be eradicated with a couple of months of discipline. I mean it is your life right? You wouldn't give up on your life if you could do something about it, would you? Twenty-twelve MJ would have tried to convince D to make an effort. Twenty-thirteen MJ, could give a fuck. There's that pesky "F" word again!

My advice has ceased, or at least I am trying to stop.  What brought me to this point?  A friend of mine was frustrated about their current circumstance.  She was going on and on.  When I added my two cents, she shut me down.  I mean she literally, cut me off while I was talking.  I guess I wasn't talking fast enough.  That wouldn't be the first time I was told that.  But what was funny was, we were arguing the same point.  I was essentially agreeing with her.  She was so caught up on her moment of woe, that her instinct was to go on the defense.  It was at that very moment, instead of arguing.  I shut the eff up!  I'm taking baby steps with this cursing.  Whether you are caught in an endless cycle of an emotional roller coaster with a lover (former or present), friend or family member.  If your issue is financial; you want to spend less to have and save more.  Or it's your health.  Whatever the issue, in 2013, let's stop talking about it and just do the damn thing!  "Damn" is good, right?  Regardless of if you can actually make your resolution become your reality, I have decided to stick with mine.  Let the mindless head nodding and un-huhs begin.

Swinging Doors

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy."-Author Unknown

A friend posted this on her Facebook page this morning and I thought it was very poignant.  Yesterday, I had a phone conversation that solidified the end of a friendship.  Later on in the evening, over hamburgers, another friendship's sturdy foundation was being framed.  I appreciate God's direction and His timing. 

Years ago, when I was about 18 or 19, I overheard a woman mention how years prior she asked God to remove people from her life who meant her harm, were not adding anything good to her life and who were not overall positive people.  She said that after doing this, people started "dropping off like flies".  I thought this was ingenious and followed suit.  I made my request clear to God and tried to verbatum, recite mantra-like, what the woman said.  The funny thing about how God works is He does not always make an announcement that He is going to do something, He just does it.  Almost immediately, both men and women started literally disappearing from my life.  I would have a date with a guy and he would never show, never call.  After stalking him and his family for several months (I was young; this was pre- widespread cellphone usage, so I was calling the house phone) I finally got the message, he was no longer interested.  Years later, after we reconnected, I discovered, he was an all-around semi-loser:  a failed marriage by the age of 30, 3 kids, 2 baby mamas, shitty apartment (not like mine is all that), panties on the floor, etc.  I had dodged a major bullet! 

There was another boy that I was crazy about, I wanted him so bad!  The hopeless romantic in me thought we would be perfect together.  But he would just disappear from time to time.  What seemed at first to be his flaky-ness, I soon discovered was a greater plan.  An exit plan that is.  It took forever for me to make the connection, but it was one of the best things that could have happened.  He, who is great on paper, was an absolute disaster in more ways than one.  Bullet whizzes by ear.

It has not always been guys that have performed disappearing acts.  I have had a series of girlfriends whose friendship did not prove to be as loyal as mine.  There might be that highly audible silence or the sharp sting of a "defriend" on a social media site.  When confronted (and usually that ends up being my role) they wince at my me-ness, i.e. the essence of me being me.  Their faces twist and turn and they, whether on the phone or in person, exhibit absolute discomfort. 

Yesterday's phone call was no different.  After the conversation, I felt a mix of annoyance, irritation and clarity.  I have to giggle sometimes because I totally forget my request to God.  He, as always, has kept His promise.  I, on the other hand, have a short term memory and tend to be heartbroken and confused.  I asked Him to remove those individuals without a positive influence in my life, but I did not specify how He should go about doing it.  While I am staring at a tree trunk, His sight is 10 miles deep into the forrest.  For that I am grateful.

I will admit, I have a bad habit of clinging on.  I want desparately for relationships to work.  I am nostalgic about how things were, or at least how I perceive them to have been.  I spend a lot of time thinking far into the future, about how things might turn out.  I try my best to be a good sport.  And I tend to miss my "exit stage left" cues.  So the fact that God takes time out of His inevitably busy schedule and looks after me is humbling.  It, for so many years now, has been my only defence against a potentially bad situation.  But not for Him, who knows whom I would be married to, or hanging out with. 

But again, that conversation left me clear.  Oh, yes, I was to some regard dumbfounded, but a lot of what was said by this friend, I literally (in speculating with other girlfriends and my mom) had already predicted to be the "issue".  When we disconnected, I felt sorry for her.  But glad for me.  Later, a newer friend and I had dinner and I realized that my friendship glass was not really half empty at all.  In fact, I just needed a smaller cup.  It leaves less room for mis- understandings and interpretations.  Our conversation was genuine and honest.  In between tears, we laughed- hard.  Without me going into details, I mentioned how I would from now on, "just shut the fuck up" because obviously my personality and opinion is a problem (this is what was brought to my attention by my telephone friend).  My dinner friend waved off this and said, "you don't even worry about that".

If ever there is any misconception, please let me clarify:  my blog is about ME.  It is not my commentary on the world, rather commentary on MY life.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly.  I do not use this as a forum to challenge anyone's thought.  You can look at it as an exposed journal.  These are my thoughts and feelings.  If you read something and it makes you say, "I don't want to be friends with MJ."  You missed the point.  As a friend, you could have made this a teaching moment not a time to judge me or my personality missteps. 

What the reactions I get from my blog prove to me?  That I must be writing well.  Well enough that I have ruffled feathers.  My descriptions of individuals are steady and honest enough to evoke irritation.  You can read my blog and know who it is I am talking about.  That, my friends, is good writing.  Which makes me happy!!  I have crossed a threshhold.  Not only with my writing and the blog, but also with my friendships.  On this Thanksgiving eve, I am thankful for a creative outlet.  I am also thankful for friends, in my life, and those God and circumstances pushed out.  I fondly look at life as a series of swinging doors.  When one door closes (my friend coming clean about how she really feels about me) another one opens (me having a free-flowing conversation with a newer friend).  May God continue to let the door swing. 

Wildly Composed

Shoshoni believed the Coyote as an indication of an ending. The sighting of the Coyote was said to bring natural shifts in balance, causing an end (which, of course, simply makes way for new beginnings, and so on). Essentially, the Coyote is like a "way-maker" of new direction as it went about its symbolic role of representing the cycle of life/death in nature. Whatsyoursign.com

Yesterday morning, while on the #6 bus heading downtown, I saw a coyote standing on the Columbus/Museum Campus bus stop.  A real, live coyote looking at us as the bus drove past.  In typical MJ fashion, I automatically attributed it to me.  I figured God had a sign for me and me alone.  Yep, that's how I think.  Anyway, all day, I was trying to figure out how that sighting could tie into my current life.  Was the coyote symbolic of me:  wild, free, threatening?...

It took the whole day, and even until this morning before I settled on what I should take from this- if anything at all.  Last night, I had a really good time.  The kind of good time that is not spilling over with drunken dance parties and gut-busting cackles, but rather an outright affirming evening where you understand that contrary to even some of your own beliefs, you are not crazy.  I felt comfortable and even tickled last night.  I am going through a transition, or rather others are moving me towards a transition that they themselves are orchestrating.  My lesson:  just pick up your instrument, shut up and play your part. 

There is no need to go into detail about the individual situations that brought me to this enlightened place.  I mean in the long run, it's my handling and processing of tests that make up my true testimony.  What is important to remember is, there is no need to have an ignominious outburst or outcome to prove my point.  In a grad school counseling course, we were taught that no response, is a response.  Like the coyote, in both instances, I stood quietly and watched the bus go by. 

My Body's Betrayal

I don't feel stressed.  I don't think I'm stressed.  But every time certain topics come to mind.  Or certain individuals approach me about certain topics.  Or just the thought of being in a situation where certain individuals would approach me about said certain topics come to mind, my eye twitches.  At first I thought this was just a random twitch of the eye that has occurred in the past for no apparent reason.  But it won't stop.  I finally admitted to myself that it may be more than a sporadic reflex of the body when someone asked me a question, or rather made a suggestion that annoyed me.  When the conversation concluded, tears started forming in my eyes and it was confirmed:  I might have a problem. 

I researched this eye twitching online and apparently the remedy is to relax or get more sleep.  Dr. Oz disputes the stress theory and says it's the body's way of producing more tears for dry eyes. But because of the timing of the twitching- thoughts of unpleasantness, thoughts of potential unpleasantness, thoughts of how to avoid unpleasantness- I feel there is a direct connection.  My body is signaling to me that something is wrong. 

Besides the twitching, I have been dreaming every night.  Dreams are not bad necessarily, but dreaming does mean you are closer to the surface of conciousness, therefore, not in a deep enough sleep to completely rest.  This leaves me tired in the mornings when I awake.  My uncle, the therapist, prescribes relaxing.  But how does one relax when there are so many negative thoughts penetrating my mind?  I am good at relaxing, don't get me wrong.  I put the "re" in relaxing!  But the more mellow I am, the easier it is for certain thoughts to creep into a seemingly empty brain.  I will still give it a try.  My mom's remedy is to eat healthier foods that will boost my energy and psyche.  So as I munch on this apple and look at the empty bowl that once held the raw salad (no dressing) I just devoured this morning, I am hoping for a miracle.

This twitching has to stop.  It is not only annoying, but it serves as a reminder that all is not well.  And that's not good.  As much as I want to put things together on the outside, like everything is okay, it apparently is not.  It took my body's 'betrayal' to tell me this.  Okay body, I'm listening now.  You have my full attention.

Censor-y Deprivation

I do not like to be censored!  But, I also do not like offending and isolating others.  I have been advised by my best friend and beau that everything that comes to mind, does not need to be divulged.  All those constant thoughts that run through my mind at all times of the day and night, need not be expressed in my writing.  If I take this into account and my already self-imposed stern rule of not using real names without permission, not telling stories that involve the personal business of others and tying any stories about others into my own personal growth and revelations to avoid being a gossip blog.  I rarely discuss celebrities.  I do not touch upon politics.  I skirt around race issues.  And with the exception of my monthlong daily blogging challenge I took earlier this year, I make a point of writing when I feel I really have something to say. 

A recent post was the catalyst of the advice given.  Although everything in the post was how I truly felt and I did not exaggerate the situation to make the story more enticing, I was told it was unnecessary.  That if by chance the parties involved were to decide out of the blue, 'hey, I want to read MJ's blog today...for the first time...in my life' and read it, they would instantly recognize themselves.  Did I feel a pang in my side as I made the decision to write and publish it?  Yes.  Did I purposely only share the link on my Facebook fan page, not my home, where I am friends with that individual?  Yes.  And yet I wanted, and did, post it anyway.  The Gift, never said anything, so I thought I was in the clear.  My bestie, who casually, but usually never reads my posts (I tell him everything anyway, so he already knows the stories) gave me the 'shame on you' humph.  He told me I was "stirring the pot" unnecessarily.  So in a phone conversation with the Gift during a lunch break, he confirmed that he did indeed read it and that it embarrassed him.  He said he did not want to tell me what to do, instead he instructed, "do what you want to do."  Which I am wise enough to know is guy-speak for, "take that shit down."  So I did.  And told him that I did.  To which he thanked me. 

That is the only post I have ever removed after publishing.  The rebel in me proclaims, 'you can't tell me what to do!'  But my mature self, who has no desire to embarrass my guy, overrides this thought.  Is it worth it?  I want my blog to be free and open.  I started writing it as a journal.  The bestie says there are some topics that need to just be written down privately in an actual journal and not broadcast on the worldwide web.  Or he suggested that I just tell him, if I need to get something off my chest.  I have always taken pride in my writing and the platform I have built with my blog.  But the thought of having to be so particular about what I say and how I say it, left me feeling conflicted.  This is such a good outlet, but it's not worth any damage my words can cause.  As I sit here, hoping my best friend Antoine hurries up and calls so I can tell him the latest nagging thought that has popped into my mind, I do feel restless.  But I also know it is what's best.  I think what had me worrying was that I already limit my posts due to my previously mentioned guidelines, and now I have even less to write!  At least now, I can return the focus to me and stay away from magnifying, for the world, or in my case that's the 20-50 average readers, what I consider to be other people's "issues".

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." -Maya Angelou

What Is Your Happiest Moment?

Last night I attended a seminar about goal setting.  The certified life coach, Rosie Guagliardo*, was charming and funny and had a lot of insight on attaining goals.  I have previously attended time management and goal-oriented classes and workshops, but this coach's approach was by far the best.  Instead of having us spend time making lists about what we wanted, Rosie, who studied marketing and psychology, giving her a unique ability to get to the root of our desires and roadblocks, had the group focus on happiness.  To be specific, how one can become happier. 

The first step was to identify what "happiness" means.  From there, we discussed what could stop someone from setting and reaching their goals.  Then Rosie asked us to pinpoint a time in our lives, present or past, when we felt the most happy.  For me, this was easy.  I have always regarded my 25th summer to be one of the happiest times in my life.  I remember feeling totally free.  I described how single I was and how good it felt to date back then.  It was also this summer when I moved out of my parents house for good.  I, for the first time, got to experience "boat life", understood the enjoyment of riding on the back of a Harley, dined in fine restaurants on a regular and kept my social calendar extremely busy, 7 days a week.  I did not tire then, as easily as I do now.  I recalled how mature I felt, as I remember thinking, "I can now rent a car".  I felt young, and I started morphing into the woman I am today.  I was utterly nervous about turning 25, yet, it became my most cherished year.  It was a magical summer.

I also added how being in New York makes me feel alive and vibrant.  When I am there I feel in synch with my true self.  I am giddy like a child and feel like life is good.  New York makes me happy.  I try to visit at least once a year.

While I was giving my description, Rosie took notes and explained that when you are able to hone in on your happiest moments, you can then start to figure out what makes you happy.  From my descriptions, she came up with words like:  free/freedom, youthful, vibrancy, fun, variety, nature and independence. This sums me up in a nutshell.  The key is applying my most inner desires to my life.  What I liked most about this class, is it was not your typical, list 5 goals you'd like to reach...now figure out how to make that happen.  Goals can be too overwhelming to manage like your average grocery checklist.  Could it be as simple as Rosie says?  Could finding more happy help you reach your real goals?  Rosie brought to our attention that it is human nature to create goals of what we should want.  Not what we really want.  When you create your 1, 5 and 10 year plan, are you listing what you really want in life or what you feel you should be doing in 1, 5 and 10 years?  Are you subconsciously working from a script written by society or someone other than yourself?  Do you really want to be a V.P. of a major company?  Or is it just that the thought of being okay with being an admin for another 20 years makes you feel weak and listless?  Is marriage really on your "to do" list, or is being alone scare you more than being with a mismatched partner?

What a refreshing course!  There is nothing like leaving a seminar/class and feeling you not only learned something, but you gained a new understanding.  What are your goals?

Click to learn more about Inner Brilliance Coaching.

*Rosie Guagliardo, founder and coach for Inner Brilliance Coaching, received her Life Coaching certification from the International Coaching Federation and Coaches Training Institute.

Are You Declawed?

Catty:  Deliberately hurtful in one's remarks; spiteful.

I have been referred to as catty twice in the past 3 weeks.  I do not like this assertion and find it unfounded.  I disagree with the synonymous nature of cattiness to womanhood.  As a woman, I feel I have the right to an opinion about a person or thing without it having an automatic negative connotation.  I do not like everything.  Nor am I a fan of everybody.  My being female does not dictate that everything I say, especially about other females, is nasty or negative.  If I call a woman out for her behavior no matter how mild or obnoxious it is, does not signal me having an issue with women.  I am in the company of women all the time and I am mature enough to make the distinction between someone I like and someone I can do without.

The person who proclaimed me to be catty, was none other than the Gift himself.  He dismissed my request to not be in the future company, if at all possible, of two separate women as me being catty.  And attributed it to some “woman/girl stuff” that he did not understand.  I will give him that.  There are things and/or violations that women can pick up on, that men are absolutely clueless to.  But in each case, one I previously mentioned in my post about *double dating, I feel I was right in my opinion of the situation.  When I brought it to the attention of other individuals, both men and women,  to get their thoughts, it was clear that I was not being catty, but had valid points.

What is the distinction between being catty and opinionated?  Where can we draw the line separating hurtful and spiteful comments, and the truth?  Do I have to always be the bigger person, inhaling and holding my tongue against ridiculousness?  When can I call a spade a spade?  Do I always have to smile and be the mirror image of a first lady, keeping all natural emotions under the surface?  Why is maturity parallel to shutting up and pretending?  Could it not be said that my maturation is further pushed forward when I have the guts to say what it is I feel?  On the flip, maybe I need to hold my cards tighter.  I, as mentioned in the double dating post, was quite assertive about my feelings towards an individual.  Because of the “witness” present, I do run the risk of having my proclamation repeated.  It could very well get back to the wrong person.  Then I would look like I have the problem, when in fact, she has the problem.  The next day, sobered up and a bit embarrassed by my alcohol soaked behavior, I spoke to my uncle about what happened.  What he said to me stuck and I return to it in my head when I have any doubts about my “cattiness”.  “You have come too far to go back.  If she wants to get on aboard, she will have to catch up.  But you can’t go backwards.”  Thank you and thank you!  In my two “catty” incidences, that is how I really felt deep down:  that I have surpassed that moment and that type of attitude.  I will no longer sit silent and burn within as bullsh*t occurs.  I have indeed passed those milestones.  I cannot meet a woman on several occasions and act like we have never met.  I am over that.  I used to be that way, nasty and mean spirited- unable to let things go or soften my mood to embrace a person on a new day.  I was in college then.  If you ask some of my schoolmates from that time, there is a relatively large population who still consider me a bitch.  So I understand that behavior; the insecurity that fuels it.  But again, that was several mile markers in the past.  I don’t want to stoop to anyone’s stunted level, playing along idly just to avoid the title of catty.  If it is catty for me to openly affirm that certain individuals don’t make the ‘cut’, then let me meow.

Friends or Fans?

Do you have friends or fans in your life?  I have a friend, *Pat, who can be a bit entertaining on Facebook.  Pat has mastered being coy enough to get curious responses and brash and honest enough to keep the comments and 'Likes' coming.  Pat is a friend.  I like Pat.  But Pat's 'Friend List' is filled with more gawking onlookers than actual friends.  I think Pat likes this.  Which made me wonder, how many of us have fans as opposed to friends?

Well, let's first make the distinction between fans and friends.  A fan will 'Like' all comments and posts, making sure to respond how much they almost choked from laughing out loud at your circumstance.  A friend makes a point of reaching out after the fact or outside of the public post to ensure that everything is all good.  Fans leave encouraging words of how awesome you are; friends tell you that to your face.  Which leads me to my next example, fans only interact with you online; you share actual memories with friends.  Let me be clear, there are not only virtual fans, but real ones too.  Of the people who show up to any and every event you have, how many of them would you actually sit down and talk to?  How many would you say really know you?  Who amongst them would you invite for an intimate evening with friends and family?

In most cases, the fan list outweigh the friends list.  Now I must admit, this is something I have only observed from the outside.  I happen to have the winning personality which only keeps the most genuine and honest people close to me.  I have never been the type of person people feel they need to hang around for what I have or what I do.  You really have to want to deal with me, to deal with me.  Which, in my opinion, is a good thing.  My fanbase is non-existant.  I am okay with that and have wholeheartedly embraced it.

So again, I ask, do you have friends or fans?



*Name has been changed.

The Best

I am a worrier.  I worry about all sorts of things.  One thing in particular that often concerns me is who I might be beefin' with or who I have offended.  Maybe because it has been said that I have stepped on my share of toes.  Whether it is intentional or not, true or false, that is what has been told to me.  I was just thinking to myself, how many people in my life are not speaking to me.  The number seemed huge.  But upon further review, I realized that simply is not true.  First, when I count the family and friends in my life who don't return texts, ain't feeling me, are not speaking to me, the number is surely not small.  But, those people in my life who do, supercede it by far.  Then I had to step back and define my idea of being 'in my life.'  If we are not talking and have not spoken in months- hell years, no matter the familial connection.  You cannot be considered 'in my life.'  That fact alone allowed me to exhale.

You do your best.  With family, you send that birthday text your mother reminded you about, knowing it will not be replied to- ever.  You celebrate your birthday without receiving your text (I guess their mother/father did not remind them).  With friends, you call them consecutively, and try to subside any irritation when the call is not answered or returned.  You do your best.  You give the most concrete and clear advice when you know someone is going down a less than favorable path.  When they continue that journey, you SHUT THE FUCK UP!  All the while, you do your best.  You reach out when you can and pull back when it is necessary.  And pray always.  Not only for them, but mainly for you.  Knowing that this is not the last time your words will be misconstrued or misunderstood.  You just do your best.