She wants to lead the glamorous life!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Censor-y Deprivation

I do not like to be censored!  But, I also do not like offending and isolating others.  I have been advised by my best friend and beau that everything that comes to mind, does not need to be divulged.  All those constant thoughts that run through my mind at all times of the day and night, need not be expressed in my writing.  If I take this into account and my already self-imposed stern rule of not using real names without permission, not telling stories that involve the personal business of others and tying any stories about others into my own personal growth and revelations to avoid being a gossip blog.  I rarely discuss celebrities.  I do not touch upon politics.  I skirt around race issues.  And with the exception of my monthlong daily blogging challenge I took earlier this year, I make a point of writing when I feel I really have something to say. 

A recent post was the catalyst of the advice given.  Although everything in the post was how I truly felt and I did not exaggerate the situation to make the story more enticing, I was told it was unnecessary.  That if by chance the parties involved were to decide out of the blue, 'hey, I want to read MJ's blog today...for the first my life' and read it, they would instantly recognize themselves.  Did I feel a pang in my side as I made the decision to write and publish it?  Yes.  Did I purposely only share the link on my Facebook fan page, not my home, where I am friends with that individual?  Yes.  And yet I wanted, and did, post it anyway.  The Gift, never said anything, so I thought I was in the clear.  My bestie, who casually, but usually never reads my posts (I tell him everything anyway, so he already knows the stories) gave me the 'shame on you' humph.  He told me I was "stirring the pot" unnecessarily.  So in a phone conversation with the Gift during a lunch break, he confirmed that he did indeed read it and that it embarrassed him.  He said he did not want to tell me what to do, instead he instructed, "do what you want to do."  Which I am wise enough to know is guy-speak for, "take that shit down."  So I did.  And told him that I did.  To which he thanked me. 

That is the only post I have ever removed after publishing.  The rebel in me proclaims, 'you can't tell me what to do!'  But my mature self, who has no desire to embarrass my guy, overrides this thought.  Is it worth it?  I want my blog to be free and open.  I started writing it as a journal.  The bestie says there are some topics that need to just be written down privately in an actual journal and not broadcast on the worldwide web.  Or he suggested that I just tell him, if I need to get something off my chest.  I have always taken pride in my writing and the platform I have built with my blog.  But the thought of having to be so particular about what I say and how I say it, left me feeling conflicted.  This is such a good outlet, but it's not worth any damage my words can cause.  As I sit here, hoping my best friend Antoine hurries up and calls so I can tell him the latest nagging thought that has popped into my mind, I do feel restless.  But I also know it is what's best.  I think what had me worrying was that I already limit my posts due to my previously mentioned guidelines, and now I have even less to write!  At least now, I can return the focus to me and stay away from magnifying, for the world, or in my case that's the 20-50 average readers, what I consider to be other people's "issues".

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." -Maya Angelou

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