I Tried...For Real

I woke up this morning with church on the brain.  I haven't been consistently, in I can't remember how long.  The last time I went to any service was a few weeks ago when I was visiting my girlfriend L-Boogie in Brooklyn.  We went to her church- nice service, good people.  But for some reason, I cannot get in tune with my own church.  This morning, I was ready, I left the house for the 7:30 service (my favorite) at 7:30 (that's how I roll).  When I got outside, I checked my tires, because they have been giving me problems recently.  They were low.  I had no cash or quarters for the air machine.  I had just given them to my girl April yesterday for parking when we met for lunch.  So I went to my dad's (payday can't come soon enough), because he always has quarters.  Yes, I drove to my dad's house for quarters.  Who else was I going to wake up (or in his case, would be up) for such a ridiculous request?  I guess I could have gotten cash back at the Walgreens, and asked for quarters, but the one by my house doesn't open until 8, if then.

Long story short, I put air in the tires and I'm rolling smooth.  But since I push it so close for service, it's 8:18am by now and there is no need to go all the way out there to turn around.  I tell myself, 'there's still the 11 o'clock service (but I have a matinee movie date with my girl K-hubb) or the 6 o'clock (that's my winding down time)'.  It looks like this heathen will sit yet another Sunday service out.  I really have to get it together.  It's so wack that I've been delinquent.  Especially considering how much I really enjoy a good word and service.  It usually holds me for the week.  So now I'm shooting for February.  I will try to make it to every service in February.  I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

The Grudge-holder

A 'friend' snapped on me last week.  he immediately apologized, but I was too threw.  He has done this before and because of my daily struggle with patience, I had let more slide than usual.  Plus, he is someone I encounter frequently, so diplomacy was needed.  But this last time?  No can do.  He has been trying his best to be friendly and stay out of my way simultaneously.  I have kept an even cool.  I am not mad, but I cannot go any further with him as a friend.

I used to be a major grudge-holder.  I mean if you slighted me in the slightest, I would never let you live it down.  Now, I still never forget (ever) but I have learned the benefits of the quiet protest.  Instead of openly glaring at you and outright protesting anything involving you.  I will be cordial, kind even.  But I will not in any uncertain terms ever fuck with you again!  What that means to me now is, letting you back in.  "Where is 'in'?", you ask.  My life, my heart, my head.  You are so insignificant to me, you no longer anger me.  Real talk.  So when I see him trying his best to be unaffected, but yearning for this 'good-good' (conversation that is, ya'll know I'm not having sex) I think, 'poor thing'.  He had a chance.  I mean, I am more lenient now than ever.  But you  river-danced on that last nerve and it is no longer there for you.

Girls (The Teenage Kind)

On the X28 bus this morning, there were some young girls headed to Hyde Park Academy High School, who were talking loudly, cursing and being obnoxious and raunchy.  I was initially irritated, then I thought back to the days when I was that age.  I too thought being loud and cursing was cool and cute.  I also thought being raunchy made me seem more mature, it didn't.  The issue with young girls is all of the stuff they face:  changing bodies, hormones, boys (or girls) and in today's world, it can be even more exaggerated.  The girls discussed watching the t.v. show 'Bad Girls'.  I cringed.  Of all shows to watch, this is not a good one.  These girls, to add fuel to the fire, are urban girls.  In a city with high crime and low graduation rates, this is a critical time for girls.  Shows depicting angry and ignorant women, especially of color, can be detrimental to an already sensitive maturation period.  I ache for today's girls; the same way I'm sure older women ached for me.  I cringe when I think about how 'cool' I was (or thought I was).

Later on today...

I was talking to two of my co-workers today and one of them, a man, said something that brought home my thoughts on the rowdy girls on the bus.  Not knowing about the morning's events, he said: 'You are the most fertile from 16-25, the same time you are the dumbest.'  Whoa!  I never really thought about it, but it brings to mind the saying, 'youth is wasted on the young'.  He continued, saying that you make these critical decisions that affect the rest of your life when your hormones are raging and you know nothing.  Well that about sums it up, don't you think?  Hug a girl (or boy) today, Lord knows they need it.

Niggas In Paris

Someone posted on Facebook the other day that they had just heard the song Niggas In Paris by Jay-Z and Kanye West and did not understand it.  The person posted an open question asking how people felt about the song and what the two artists were talking about.  I wanted to give my two cents, but looking at her 30+ responses, I had a feeling my phone would be buzzing all night long.  Plus, after posting a response about Common having the artistic freedom to use whatever language he wants on his latest album, I can kind of anticipate how her 'friends' will react.

Let me not mince words here.  I love the song!  I don't just love it, because the beat is cold.  I love it because I love what they are saying in the song.  If the people who don't like it (which is very few) just opened up and listened to the song's lyrics, they would understand.  Basically it's two brothas who look up and realize, 'damn, we're in fucking Paris!'.  Not just 'we're in Paris', but we made it to Paris.  We moved out of our hoods, and now we are vacationing and kickin' it in muthafuckin' Paris!  I get it.

I personally know that feeling of looking up and realizing, 'this was a goal of mine'.  Or 'this was a dream I had', now it's my reality.  I remember climbing the cobble-stone streets of Cannes, France and thinking, 'Oh my God!  I'm in France!  I am a single woman, no kids and I am in freakin' France on a Mediterranean cruise!'  It blew my mind and I was ecstatic!  I felt the same way the merely five times I've flown 1st class.  Or when I'm in New York, hitting the streets and 'working' New York and people treat me like I live there.  No longer do I have that tourist smell.  When I'm in an executive suite watching a Bulls, Bears or Blackhawks game, I think, 'how the hell did I get here?'.  I don't take it for granted.

So when I was at the Jay-Z and Kanye West, Watch the Throne concert on December 1st, I was more than excited about them doing an 8-10 song encore of Niggas in Paris.  There were people around me who could not believe that they would play the song, yet again.  They could not take another encore.  I just bounced to the beat and got lost in the music.  It's a ballsy song to say the least, but isn't that what hip hop and rap is about?  Having fun, boasting and hyping yourself up.  I know that song.  I live that song.  I am that song.

Men and Their Babies

This month, I found out two of my men friends are going to have babies.  For one, it will be his first.  For the other, his second, with a second woman.  With each scenario, my heart paused for a nano-second when I was told the news.  My sister told me about my oldest friend, the one I posted about in late June (read) and I got the news from the horses mouth from the other one.  Here are the things that stood out to me in each case:

Neither are married.  I have a combined friendship of 40+ years with these two men and I do not recall either of them seriously discussing marriage and longterm committed relationships.  I have had a romantic relationship on some level (no matter how small) with both, but never took them seriously enough in my adult years to think we could actually work as a viable couple.  I notice with many men these days, babies seem to be their goal and marriage just something that may or may not happen.  Call me old fashion, but it seems so backward to me.  Do not get me wrong, I am not absolutely against having children out of wedlock.  Most of my friends are like me, over 30, so it's not like we're in high school.  I even went through a phase at age 28 or 29 where I tried my best to get pregnant.  In hindsight, when I think of the man I was trying with, I am happy to report, no such luck.  I don't think marriage makes children any easier.  I know a number of women who are married, but still end up being the sole provider for the kids, even with a man/husband in the house.  Furthermore, if the relationship is based on love, than what more could you ask for?  I just think if you care and respect me enough to be with me, why can't we do things in stages?  Why is your main focus on getting me pregnant and 'giving (me) a baby'?  What is the prize in that?

Also, men that I know before they have a child, tend to lose their spark once a child enters the picture.  There used to be this idea that men did not want women with kids.  Lately that does not seem to be the case.  But from the standpoint of a single woman, men with kids get at least 2 points deducted from their final eligible score.  Especially if I knew them before the babies.  Do not ask me why, but if I meet you and you already have a child, it is easier than knowing you before you had a baby and now knowing you with the baby.  I guess subconsciously, I'm thinking, 'why couldn't you wait for me?'.  Or just, 'why couldn't you wait period?  It's not like you have an internal clock.'  So yes, I confess, I have added points to each of these men's 'Reasons I Cannot Take You Seriously' list.

Furthermore, I have to ask myself, 'am I jealous?'.  I mean, is it because sometimes I look up and think everyone is passing me by?  With a lot of my friends now having 'boos' and babies, maybe deep down (or not so deep) I feel like I should be catching up.  Not only do I not have a boyfriend, I'm not actively, consistently dating right now.  Yes, I want children, but you kind of need a man to do it the most easy way.  These women who have been impregnated by these men, my friends, are in a precarious situation.  From what I have gathered from the men's position, they are not in love with either of the women.  In fact, the word love was not mentioned in either case.  But on the flip, these women don't have to worry about being 31 and not having had a child yet.  In the end, I still cherish my position.  I do want children, but I would prefer it come from a solid, respectable, loving relationship.  Not some fly-by-night, 'you know how it is' type of situation.  Where men get to brag about their 'seed', but the women are stuck holding the bag.  Their lives have been dramatically changed, and men are still all up in my face proudly showing me pictures of their children on their cell phones, and simultaneously flirting.  I'm straight on that.

The Way I See It

So it's 2012 and we are already half way through January.  I have already turned over a couple of new leaves since this year has started.  One of my biggest lessons that has been put on my heart in this short time, is my perception of events and more importantly how I receive and react/respond to information and situations no matter in who's favor it is.  For instance, I have decided instead of telling and rethinking the story of my latest dating partner as another MJ disaster, I will state the truth.  In this case that truth being, I really had two good dates with a nice gentleman.  The fact that he flaked out on me for our third date and I have mysteriously not heard from him since, would be focusing on the uncontrolled negative scenario.  If I twist this around and think about what really occurred, I have no choice but not to blame myself, (I did everything 'right') and not to be angry at him.  Whatever the outcome, we had two good dates.  That should be the focal point, nothing else.

I have also decided to stop, or at least curb my intense desire to control all things.  I had started getting better at going with the flow, but my sheer annoyance with how lackadaisical people can be, brought me back to my micromanaging self.  I really have to fight against it.  I will get to put that in practice with a new MJ Activity I came up with (I've been on a roll lately).  I want to have a Vision Board party (research).  I invited about 13 friends, people I think would enjoy it and with whom I would enjoy sharing that with, my usual core group of invitees.  I sent the evite out yesterday and I have been frantic ever since.  I had to literally relax my nerves by reminding myself that this is something you are interested in, not necessarily them.  If no one else shows up, would that really be a failure?  As long as you enjoy yourself, the 'party' is a success.  This may seem silly, but things like invitations and planned gatherings can bring out insecurity in me.  I really must let go.

Finally, I started the year off strong, a fun NYE, two Bulls games, a 'just because' trip to NYC and my first book club meeting which I hosted.  For whatever reason I did not feel like going into details here on my blog, instead I just posted on my FB fan page (make sure to 'like' it if you haven't already).  My hope is this will be indicative of how the rest of 2012 will be, positive, eventful and fun.  My decision is to go 'in' on this year and see what comes about.

For the record, I recognize this post is a little all over the place.  I have been having writer's block, but at the same time, I had a lot to say.  I think this year, I will let my mind guide me and not sensor myself as much.  I want to get back to this being my journal of thoughts.  Get ready!

What Tomorrow Brings

So here it is, New Year's Eve 2011.  It is the last day of the year and I have finally decided what my goals are for 2012.  Last year I had so many awesome and outright blessings that I was able to document each in bulk on Facebook for an entire week.  This year was a little more quiet.  So instead of breaking 2011's events down, let's look forward.  Here are my goals:

Be a Better Friend
When I tell you my friends look after me and take care of me, I am not exaggerating.  They have been so good to me; yet, I feel I have been lackluster in showing reciprocity.  I just finished a 30 minute conversation with my Mom about me and my friendship.  It is sad you have to get tips from your mother on being nice to people.  I mean it's not like I'm in kindergarten, but some things need to be said.  I need to learn to depend on me more and use them less for necessities and allow them to just be friends for friends' sake.

Visit Friends in Other Cities
I make a point of visiting Antoine in every state/city he decides to move to, no matter where.  I say state/city because I only visited him when he lived in Orlando not Tampa (I do not like Tampon, I mean Tampa).  So Orlando covered his Florida move.  Yet I still have not made it to Las Vegas, where he currently resides.  Which is crazy, because I could not wait until he moved there so I would have a cool place to visit.  Tickets to Vegas can be a bit pricey and I keep putting it off.  Knowing Antoine, he may be anywhere in the next couple of months.  So the sooner the better.  Then there are 3 other good friends of mine that I need to visit who also moved out of state.  I promised each I would, but this year, I am going to make it happen with at least one.

Pay Off My Car and All Credit Cards
I have discussed this before and so here we are again.  In my post IR(arely)S(ave) I discuss how I want to have at least one of my cards paid off by the end of the year.  It seemed possible and it was until the hood of my car flew up, while I was driving mind you!  My 'baby' is currently in the car hospital being repaired (hopefully to good as new standards).  That put a bit of a dent in my plans.  But fear not, I will have that Ann Taylor card paid off by February.  I have $551.96 left, which I can knock out in two payments, just not now.  After that, there is the $2000 balance on my Visa.  It is actually less than $2000, but when it's that close, there really isn't a difference.  My goal is to clear that up in 4-6 payments.  My car needs to be paid off soon and very soon.  I feel I can appreciate my car more, if I did not have to pay for her every month.  By June, I should be free of all three.  Then I will focus on my medical bills.  If you remember I had a surgery in September; that was not cheap.  All in all, this all seems manageable and doable, so it will be done.

Get Back to Europe
This is not life or death, but it feels like it.  So it has made the list.  I am just going to claim it...nuff said.

Start Actively Dating Again
Yep, I said it.  And I am not the only one who feels this way.  I just have the courage to say it/write it out loud.  When I think back on 2011, it seemed as if I had a lonely existence, but actually, when I do the math, I can say I went on at least 16 dates this year.  Not bad considering 2 were from eHarmony (yeah I gave that a whirl for all of 2 months), 1 was Nigerian (before you 'shutter to think', I liked him the best), 1 Serbian (I liked him to), 1 was 6 years younger (purrr) and 1 had a girlfriend, now fiancee, with whom he lived.  You remember him from We Can't Be Friends, he was 'trying' to break up, but never did.  Well now his Facebook relationship status reads engaged, with the link to the other person!  Yikes!  I am not counting Panty-Man, because we never actually went out on a date- broke mutha... If you factor in my 5 month hiatus where I couldn't do any strenuous activities, doctor's orders, I did alright.

With that said, I want to take it up a notch in 2012.  I am truly ready to settle down.  I feel like this is my year.  I say that every year, but I really feel it this year.  Although, I have not secured a steady, long-term mate, I have noticed, my caliber of men has shifted.  They are all 'on point' as I like to say.  We did not have a love or sex connection (read), but I still liked the fact that I have increasingly attracted 'better' men (in my opinion) as I have matured.  The most recent men are more of a reflection of my tastes.  I just need to find the one whose personality links best with mine (not an easy task).  Of all of my goals for 2012, this is the hardest because I have the least control over this one.  But I feel if I put in the Universe that I want to establish a positive and healthy relationship, blessed by God, where the man and I are mutually suited for each other, it will happen.  Doubt and worry are for non-believers...

Give God More of My Time
I need to get back on an active church schedule.  I have really been trippin' this year!  Not only do I want to start back going to service on a regular, I need to be more active in the church again, joining a Bible study group and choosing a ministry to participate in, God has been so good, I cannot even begin to tell you, but I'm sure you have your own stories so you know.  I can at least try to give back with my time not just my tithes (yes, although I have not been active in the church, they take their 10% off top from each paycheck).

So there, I have exposed my personal goals in the hope of conquering each in 12 months time.  I am a firm believer that the way you bring in a new year is indicative to how you will spend that year.  But regardless of if I kick it, kiss someone, party or get 'tipped' on champaign tonight, here's to new beginnings, good friendships, happy and healthy family, good times and love across the board!  However I usher in 2012, I have 366 days (it's a leap year) to get it right.