My girlfriend went out of town today. We are neighbors and she asked if I would drive her car back to her house so she would not have to drive it to the airport. I agreed and on the way home, I listened to the radio. In my own car I rarely listen to the radio as it bores me. I usually play a CD. While flipping through channels I come across the Trey Songz song, "Can't Be Friends". I have heard it before, liked his voice, but never listened to the lyrics closely. Well I did today, and I really felt the song. The song is about two people who crossed the friendship line and now they cannot go back. So essentially, they must leave each other alone. I may not have felt this song so much if I did not just encounter a similar situation.
Late last summer, I met a man who I overtime grew to like, a lot. When we met, he had a girlfriend whom he lived with and I had a boyfriend, who was soon to be out the door. In our very first conversation, 'Mr. Friend' explained how he was most definitely leaving his girl 'this year'. It's now 2011; summer is quickly approaching and this has yet to happen. This would have been okay if we had stayed, just friends. Platonic buddies, who hung out. But on our first outing, I was confronted with a kiss. I don't mean a friendly, goodnight, see you later kiss. I mean a KISS. The kind that makes you feel tingly inside. The kind of kiss that makes you feel warm AND fuzzy. That kiss that you think about weeks, hell, months later. The one that makes you a little uncomfortable and shy when it happens.
After that, we would kiss to close all of our outings/dates, whether it be a smooch or something more. Mind you, the girlfriend is still at home. But we did not think of her too tough. We discussed her and I even encouraged him to try to make it work, but the kissing, the hand holding, the soulful hugs and late night hanging out did not stop. As a matter of fact, it just grew and settled into something more real, or so I believed and/or felt. Our 'friendship' evolved into something that could not be defined by a proper title. He became 'Mr. Friend'. His name alone, if you knew the situation, stated it all, whatever 'it all' meant. At some point we had been sentenced, and decided to stay in a purgatory, that we ourselves created, for ourselves. It was our own private playground. The in-between was comfortable, cushy and hard to explain or understand.
This weekend, under the fire storm of my own stress regarding some poor relationship choices made, I finally asked God for the courage to leave. The courage to confront the situation for what it is/was and the strength and most importantly the energy to move on. You see, recently his girlfriend became more present so to speak. Apparently she could tell there was a major shift in their relationship and she had resolved to do her part by making an effort to make it work. Her new attitude and renewed spirit in the relationship caused his conscious to kick into overdrive and now he was torn and more hesitant about 'us'. I asked him what was going on and explained that I recognized a change in his usual 'get up and go' mentality. He acknowledged it and apologized. We had a heart-to-heart that ended in me saying we need to pull away. I asked him what he wanted from me, to which he responded, he didn't know. I in turn stated I wanted more. He agreed we had crossed the friendship boundary a while back and stated that he was 'obviously attracted' to me. He expressed he never meant to hurt me, and didn't think and was hoping things would not turn out this way. He said he would call in about two weeks, but I did not think that was a good idea.
When it was all said and done, I felt relieved, but a bit heartbroken. Although I was not in love with him, I enjoyed his companionship, however limited it might have been. I genuinely liked him. I was never secure on the potential of a relationship, but was happy in our moments. This song, brought all that up. I had not really talked about it before now. I was not fully able to grasp what I felt. The friendship was wrong from the start. It was gift-wrapped for disaster. We just held on hoping that at some point the pieces to the puzzle would fall into place. Where everyone (us two) ended up happy whether separate or together. Where there were clear bad guys and good guys. What typically happens in situations like this, however, is there are no 'bad guys'. Everyone is searching for the same thing. Love, appreciation, comfort, security. Unfortunately, none of those pieces ended up in my puzzle.