Today I received an inbox message and friend request from an old 'friend' who asked me if I had deleted him from FB. I responded, 'yes, awhile ago'. He then asked, 'why would you do that'. 'I don't have the time or energy to explain.' Hours later he replied, and I quote: 'Don't worry about it, no love lost!!! Enjoy the rest of ur life'. I was contemplating responding in detail when he asked why I had deleted him, but really did not feel like dealing with an exchange. Plus, I do not think he would have understood anyway. I mean, how do you tell someone that you do not like being stood up and disregarded. Or how annoying it is that you are always trying to kiss me, as long as it is in private. Or how you call when the shit has hit the fan on whatever, tired-ass relationship you are involved in, acting like you have broken up. Then later count all the time you two have been together, including the times you are all up in my face asking what's up with my dating life. Or how you never seemed to make it work with me, but I have sat on the sidelines for years watching you give your all (as much as a whorish man can give) to other women. In all fairness, if you asked him, he would say the same thing about me. What is a non-bratty way of saying, you have never so much as bought me breakfast, let alone lunch or dinner, EVER. The last date we were on was in 1999. And furthermore, to show how important I am, you just realized that you have been deleted! I did that months ago!
I love him. But not in the 'I can't live without him' sort of way. More like, I love the fact that you are the only person I still know, outside of my family, who can say they knew me when I was a child. I mean, we have known each other so long, I could not tell you how long, or how we met even. That in itself is special. But not that special. For it is now the year 2011, and I MJ, know myself better now. I know what I will not put up with. I know that there is no reason to hang on to a distant memory, that I cannot even remember. I know that although life is not always going to be sweet, it sure as hell does not need to be bitter. I know that I do not like me when he is around, whether on the phone or in person. I become this giddy, silly little girl. Yes, I revert back to who I was when we first met, whenever that was. I feel unsure and self-conscious of everything. I yearn for his approval and wish, hope and pray that he will finally see me as the woman that I am. He claims he does, but he could not possibly see. If so, he would know how to treat me. So yes I love him, but I believe our friendship is better at a distance. It just feels better.
When I got home today, I saw that he had reneged on his friend request. That is fine with me. I decided that there was no reason to respond to his pouting. Antoine confirmed this. I let bygones be bygones. I am sorry he feels upset, but I am not sorry that I do not. I thought his final message was kind of funny. 'Enjoy the rest of ur life'. If I had to say anything in response, it would be: But of course, I've been doing it all along.