She wants to lead the glamorous life!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Shut the Hell Up!

Here is my confession for the day, I have a hard time keeping secrets. Not other people's secrets, just my own. In more ways than one. I think it has something to do with my natural aversion to lying. I am really poor at it. One of my hardest secrets to keep, is good or exciting news. I try to hold my cards, but I just cannot seem to do it. For instance, Antoine and I found the perfect vacation for our annual BFT (Best Friends' Trip). I ended up telling my co-worker and then my favorite work FedEx guy. Now, I do not mind them going, but sometimes I want to keep good things to myself. You know, like a restaurant that you like, but do not want er'body and their mamas there. My other secret is my salsa class and ballet class. I want people to know, but I do not want them to go, especially with me. Why is that?

Well what I'm learning is, I like doing things by myself. If not, there are certain people with whom I want to share certain experiences. I used to be the girl who would not do anything without a partner, whether it be lunch, shopping, errands, etc. If I wanted to sign up for a class or go see a movie or play, I would wait and try to go with someone. However, I do not know when it happened, but I have hardly the slightest desire to do things with more than two other people. I would even go far as to say no more than one other person. But overall, I am comfortable doing things by myself. So when I tell someone about my workout class and their initial reaction is, 'you should have told me', my thought is, 'why?'. So you can drop out prematurely and make me look like the woman who has flaky, sometime-y friends? Leaving me to answer the inevitable question, 'whatever happened to your friend?'. To carpool, and somehow we start missing classes because you have convinced me to grab a bite to eat instead?

I want to be one of those women who 'works well with others'. But I am not. Instead, I am the woman who can be exhaustingly independent and tirelessly and unashamedly on her own agenda. I like being with my friends, but when I look back on all the things I have missed out on, trying to wait for someone else, it nearly pisses me off. Trying to coordinate multiple pay periods and schedules can be annoying. Especially when the only one you are really concerned with is your own. This single life has taught me many things, but mainly, I can honestly say, I enjoy making my own rules. I like waking up on an off day and taking my time getting ready, not being regulated to a specific clock. I relish the times when I can walk aimlessly around shopping or window browsing.

It is such a hard position, trying to keep good news secrets. On the one hand, I want people to stop, in my words, 'slumming it' and upgrade their lives, but at the same time, that philosophy is the reason why every once in awhile, I have a somewhat awkward encounter with a small group of girls I know longer socialize with at my hair salon. I just had to let them know, while we were friends of course, about the wonders of my stylist. Now, when I am there enjoying the salon-wide conversation and flipping through the latest Hype/Black Hair magazine, I have to put my anxiety in check and give hugs and air kisses and ask superficial questions like, 'so how have you been?'. I don't care how they've been. I mean it's not like I'm mad at them or anything, but it would be nice to have my sacred salon space back again.

My new goal: stop sharing everything! No matter how good it is. I will try my best to keep some things to myself. What people don't know, won't (I hope) hurt them.


  1. I, too, wear my heart on my sleeve a bit. Perhaps "cultivating some mystery" will be on my to-do list as well.

    I'm with you on the "want to do stuff alone" thing. I never understood people that can't go anywhere alone. I like me well enough to want to just spend time with my own thoughts now and again.

    And the "no more than one or two other people" thing? Um yeah: That's cuz for every person you add to a group, no matter how responsible, you up the flake-factor by a power of 10.

  2. Maya the only child, and now it's showing. You got your fill of wanting siblings, back to Just Maya.