This time is supposed to be for reflecting, but it is turning into a full fledged fight with myself. I have to: 1) put down the chips and dip, cheese and hot wings, and remove myself from the pity party I have created for myself, by myself. The dj sucks and I hate being here. 2) stop looking at men as objects towards marriage and babies. I should be able to have a platonic friendship with any man. I should not see a man and start sizing him up for reproductive purposes. 3) stop doing the MJ math. It involves me adding and subtracting how old I will be when I get married have a child. How old was this person? Oh, she was 29, that's not bad. Oh, but this one over here was 34, ok, so there is hope. If I could turn off my internal calculator, which is linked to my biological clock, I would be a whole lot better. 4) stop being a Debbie Downer. I'm fly, I've been fly, and I'm going to stay fly. PERIOD. Point-blank.
Today I started a new method to keep me focused and grateful. Whenever I find myself having a pity party/Debbie Downer moment, I have to write down 10 things (at least) that I am grateful for. Including being single. If I say it enough, it may start becoming less annoying. The other tactic is to stay in the moment. Yes, I may be the reason dude did not call me back, but you know what, HE was the reason I did not call him back! No regrets here. In this ridiculously sad spell I have been in, I tend to manipulate the truth of how things went down. The negative parts or the fault always lies with me. The positive lies with the guys, but truth be told, if I am honest, I was either not feeling the individuals, or really did not care. In my skewed rearview vision, I take all the credit for what went wrong. Which further causes me to feel negatively about myself.
This sabbatical is definitely a growth point in my life. I am learning a lot about myself; by pulling myself out of a race I was not winning. I don't want happiness, I want joy. I don't want a 'man' or husband, I want a true faithful and steadfast partner. I don't want to just date, I want to commit. I don't just want sex; I need love, respect and compatibility. I am having a hard time with this break. That let's me know, I'm on to something good. If it was easy, it would not work as well. I know I whine a lot about singleness. But sometimes it's hard and sometimes I don't like it. If I can allow myself to be honest about it. If I can reclaim my life, so that bad thoughts do not rule my existence, maybe, just maybe, I can pull more positive energy. Whether it is from the 'one' or it is from me; if it has God wrapped up in it, it has to be good. My fervent prayer is to come out on the other side of this self-administered rehab stronger and better. May the spirit of discernment settle into this place.