5 Questions For Him

I wanted to switch things up a bit and try something new.  I posed 5 random questions that popped in my head to 'John', who I believe has an interesting view on life, women and relationships.  He is in his early to mid 30s, decidedly single with no kids.  He lives in the city of Chicago and works in corporate America, where he feels he really does not fit in, but the money is good.  He is degreed, has a dog and a house.   Both the questions and answers were submitted via BBM (Blackberry Messenger).  Here they are:

1.  Which do you prefer thongs or 'boy shorts'?

Boy shorts...thongs aint really sexy, to me at least.

2.  How do you REALLY feel about single women over 30? Over 40?

Don't really think I have an opinion about single women of any age...don't really benefit from any of em so...

3.  What are your thoughts about natural hair and the women who wear it?

Natural hair...depends on how we are defining that...I could care less so long as its combed and presentable, in my opinion

4.  How do you feel about monogamously-challenged women?

I think all women are monago(whatever) challenged...all in all they need (to) jus(t) accept who they are and stop trying to be something they aren't which is usually based on what they think other people are

5.  What do you find sexy about a woman, that you feel is often overlooked?

Simplicity...

Feel free to post questions to 'John'; I'll make sure he gets them and responds.

What About Your Friends?

I am sitting here thinking, how do you know when it is time to let go of a friend?  I have a bit of a reputation, for dumping friends at the drop of a hat for any particular reason I feel warrants.  I have tried to work on this, giving people the benefit of the doubt, especially considering things they have had to put up with concerning me.  But the problem is I have a hard time sometimes gauging where to draw the line.  I do not want to be too unforgiving and impatient about people’s missteps, but I don’t want to put up with any bull either.   Two recent scenarios have come up recently; that made me think, 'is it time to let them go?'.  


Here is the flip-side of that coin.  I feel as if I, like many women, have let dudes get away with murder, but we are quick to drop a friend.  So I ask you, what is your threshold for your friends?  Where do you draw the line?

Support A Sista!

I have been annoyed lately with people's, especially women's overall lack of support for one another.  A girlfriend of mine, who has started a travel page where travel enthusiast can come together, discuss ideas and travel, share pictures and what-not, was telling me this morning about the lack of support shown by her friends.  After sending out numerous e-mail blasts, FB invites, 'Like' requests and messages, she is still unable to get some of her girls to, if nothing else, 'Like' the page or spread the word to their friends.  She said she has tried everything to get them to participate, but to no avail.

I explained to my girl, you have to just keep on pushing.  There are some people who just will not act on your behalf or for your benefit in some cases.  As an example, I told her how just this weekend I was talking to my girl 'Tizzle' over sushi.  I was telling her a story, something I had already shared on this blog.  I did not want to repeat myself, but then thought about who I was talking to, 'you don't read my blog, do you?' I asked with slight annoyance.  She quickly answered, (as if to say, 'tell the damn story') with no shame, 'no'.  Now this is one of my closest girlfriends.  She knows how much writing my blog means to me.  I do not think my posts are particularly long nor boring, but she has only read 3 total.  One, by chance I sent it to her.  The other two, I had her read to get her opinion, but she will not just read them.  I have to chalk it up to the notion, it is what it is.

It was also 'Tizzle' who, disappointed and irritated, shared her hurt feelings over me not attending any of her pre-wedding bridal events (bachelorette and bridal shower).  I have no real good reason why I did not show up, I just didn't.  I have since profusely apologized.  But during our first conversation, she said 'you know how it is when you have an event and people don't show'.  She was speaking as the person I often toss party ideas around to first before going through with an idea.  I replied, 'yes, I do and you have not attended all of my events either.'  Okay, yes this was childish and not a good time to bring it up, but I was a little irked myself.  I have had a few get-togethers that she has not come out to, for various reasons.  Yes I know the wedding and surrounding events are major and a once-in-a-lifetime event, but so are some of my events.

No I am not getting married, but my little birthday, summertime, girls' night out events, ARE my weddings, they are my baby showers, they are my engagement parties, bridal showers, etc.  I may never get married, does that mean I do not deserve the same attendance effort that I have to give to you?  I may not be walking down the aisle, but me turning 31 is a once-in-a-lifetime event as well!  We have to support each other, at ALL stages of our lives.  With ALL new ventures and ideas.  I am not talking about that heifer we all know who is constantly trying to snag us on a pyramid scheme (I'll blog about that at another time) or new business angle that will have us all rich in no time.  I am talking about women like my girl and her travel site.  She loves to travel and after years of people asking for her advise and suggestions, she thought she would share her knowledge, just 'Like' the damn page already, would you??!!  Is it THAT hard?

Here I am, bold enough to write my intimate thoughts, feelings and anecdotes; read a post, why don't ya!? Just one, so you can see that I am not half bad and you may learn a thing or two about me or even yourself.  I do not expect you to be a faithful follower, but why not 'follow' me, it would look better when/if others came to visit the page.  Most street performers drop their own dollar in the hat, just to let future passerby's know, 'hey, someone else thought I was worth a dollar'.

As women, let's encourage and support one another.  Stop waiting for your turn to receive a rousing endorsement.  Show some love to someone else for a change.

IR(arely)S(ave)

After a long week, I was unpleasantly surprised to receive a thick letter from the IRS.  My eyes instantly went to the $1500 + $79 interest that was listed as the discrepancy between what I filed for my 2009 taxes and what they felt was given to me in error.  I texted my 'tax lady' and said I would be sending the paperwork to her the first thing Monday (today).  Yes, the IRS will allow you to pay in installments.  But all I kept thinking this past weekend was how inconvenient it would be for me to add this payment to my monthly bills.

I make a nice salary, especially for a single girl with no major expenses (kids, lavish living, designer clothes, etc.), but saving is something I truly struggle with on a regular.  It seems as soon as I start saving, something comes up, the level of importance varies.  Regardless, I am usually looking at the bare minimum saved.  Add that to the fact my credit card is maxed, as I used it for my recent NYC and Puerto Vallarta trips.  I already have a plan of attack to pay my credit card down in a few months, so another bill would not be a good look right now.

I can live low maintenance, but that can be so tiring sometimes.  Stressing over bills and money is not good for this coco skin and my youthful mental complex.  So I was elated to call and find out from the IRS rep that the notice I received was due to a computer glitch.  I, in fact, owe them nothing.  She called me back after our initial call to confirm that my 'case' was closed.  This would further be supported by a letter in writing that would be sent out as well.  I was so cautiously happy that I kept repeating everything she said to 'clarify' I was hearing her correctly.  I mean everyone from Al Capone to most recently Ja Rule has been convicted of tax evasion.  These are people with money to hire good attorneys.  And they still could not side step the charges.  The IRS does not play!

The lesson in this was I should have had at least this amount of money in my savings account.  If not, at least had enough space on my credit card to pay it in one lump sum and repay my credit card.  I live on the edge a lot when it comes to my finances.  I push myself to the outer limits; it is not healthy or sane.  Of course having to pay this amount of money may be uncomfortable, but it should not paralyze me with anxiety or fear.  I am not a millionaire by any means, but I can at least live the life of reasonably paid thousand-naire.  My goal is to have $1500 saved and 1/4 of my credit card paid off by the end of September.  Here's to no new bills springing up!

My Dating Sabbatical

With much thought, I have recently decided to go on a dating sabbatical.  The way I'm feeling about relationships and men right now, I think it's best to take a break.  Not only do I not trust my choices and decisions at this time, I also, do not want to bring baggage to any new relationship.  I have been on this self-proclaimed sabbatical for about a month and a half now.  Let me tell you, it ain't easy!  My instinct is to check men for their wedding bands and signs of a relationship.  I find myself checking for dudes, I would not even normally think about.  I hold my breath in anticipation, hoping they are single, then feeling deflated when I find out they are not.  Is EVERYBODY in a relationship right now?!  

This time is supposed to be for reflecting, but it is turning into a full fledged fight with myself.  I have to: 1) put down the chips and dip, cheese and hot wings, and remove myself from the pity party I have created for myself, by myself. The dj sucks and I hate being here.  2) stop looking at men as objects towards marriage and babies.  I should be able to have a platonic friendship with any man.  I should not see a man and start sizing him up for reproductive purposes.  3) stop doing the MJ math.  It involves me adding and subtracting how old I will be when I get married have a child.  How old was this person?  Oh, she was 29, that's not bad.  Oh, but this one over here was 34, ok, so there is hope.  If I  could turn off my internal calculator, which is linked to my biological clock, I would be a whole lot better.  4) stop being a Debbie Downer.  I'm fly, I've been fly, and I'm going to stay fly.  PERIOD. Point-blank.

Today I started a new method to keep me focused and grateful.  Whenever I find myself having a pity party/Debbie Downer moment, I have to write down 10 things (at least) that I am grateful for.  Including being single.  If I say it enough, it may start becoming less annoying.  The other tactic is to stay in the moment.  Yes, I may be the reason dude did not call me back, but you know what, HE was the reason I did not call him back!  No regrets here.  In this ridiculously sad spell I have been in, I tend to manipulate the truth of how things went down.  The negative parts or the fault always lies with me.  The positive lies with the guys, but truth be told, if I am honest, I was either not feeling the individuals, or really did not care.  In my skewed rearview vision, I take all the credit for what went wrong.  Which further causes me to feel negatively about myself.

This sabbatical is definitely a growth point in my life.  I am learning a lot about myself; by pulling myself out of a race I was not winning.  I don't want happiness, I want joy.  I don't want a 'man' or husband, I want a true faithful and steadfast partner.  I don't want to just date, I want to commit.  I don't just want sex; I need love, respect and compatibility.  I am having a hard time with this break.  That let's me know, I'm on to something good.  If it was easy, it would not work as well.  I know I whine a lot about singleness.  But sometimes it's hard and sometimes I don't like it.  If I can allow myself to be honest about it.  If I can reclaim my life, so that bad thoughts do not rule my existence, maybe, just maybe, I can pull more positive energy.  Whether it is from the 'one' or it is from me; if it has God wrapped up in it, it has to be good.  My fervent prayer is to come out on the other side of this self-administered rehab stronger and better.  May the spirit of discernment settle into this place.  

UPDATE...

So, I have been strongly encouraged by some who have read this article to get in contact with Ms. Jordan.  After charging up my old phone, I realized I did not have her number.  So instead of calling her, I went to my 1st floor neighbor, Ms. Williams and knocked on her door.  Surely, she would know.  I wasn't disappointed.  Ms. Williams gave me the whole low-down and even told me some things about neighbors I didn't even know or ask about. Apparently, Ms. Jordan fell and hurt herself badly.  She was in the hospital and later sent to a nursing home.  These past few months I had not seen her, that's where she was.  Ironically, after complaining about the food there and being overall homesick, she was sent home just yesterday.  I will wait until things settle a bit and visit her if her family allows.

Also, today I received a text from Mr. Friend.  You know the one who lives with his girlfriend, but wants to play kissy-face with me?  Well I held strong to my promise to myself and God to let that go.  No matter how much fun we have together.  He is in a relationship and it is not right.  His text said that he just noticed we are no longer Facebook friends.  Does this not sound like deja vu?  Just a few weeks ago, my childhood friend reached out asking the same exact question (see Enjoy the Rest of Ur LIfe).  First I asked if he really cared.  He said why wouldn't he.  I reminded him how I asked him to give me space and he said he would, so essentially move around brotha!  That last part was in my head.  His response was that he never said he did not want to hang out with me anymore, it's just that his situation got 'complicated' and he needed to pull back for a moment until things settled down.  He never meant to hurt me.  I let him know that I am not a fair-weather friend.  It has to be all or nothing.  Who is to say that things won't get complicated again?  I let him know that I had feelings for him and that I could not put myself in a position to be hurt.  There was no love lost, I just want space.  No reply.

Check the Pulse

Where I live, there is a woman who should have turned 96 this past 4th of July.  Her name is Ms. Jordan.  There is one handicap parking space on our block, it's hers.  I met Ms. Jordan when I first moved to the building.  She, without a formal introduction, instructed me to help her get some bags out of her trunk.  I, on my way to hit the streets, was a bit annoyed at her presuming that I had nothing better to do.  At the same time, I loved her old school mentality that suggests since she is older, show some respect!

Over the 5 years I have lived here, I have carried my share of groceries up her 3 flights of stairs!  While she walked extremely slow behind me with the assistance of 2 canes!  She would say, you can leave me, 'I'll crawl up the stairs'.  She was not being funny either; she actually crawled.  I have assisted her out of her car, that she still drove.  I have listened to her stories and shook my head when I noticed her car was missing well after dark.  She would often compliment me on my 'big pretty legs', clothes and shape.  What I liked most about Ms. Jordan is, she was still on the move.  Going to various birthday parties of her 80 and 90 something-year-old friends, attending church service and visiting friends.  

Here is my dilemma, I have not seen her car parked in the handicap spot for months now.  I have also not seen Ms. Jordan for the same amount of time.  I keep saying I need to call the number she gave me, but I get nervous and scared.  I don't know what is going on; it may not be as sad as I am imagining it to be.  But regardless, I have been wondering where she is.  At 96, I just keep thinking of the inevitable.  I think today, I will call and see what is going on, praying that she is okay.  It is just not like her to not drive.  I know I am a punk, being scared and all, but where oh where is Ms. Jordan!!

Double Talk

I have a good girlfriend who talks about her other friends to me.  Not because I am particularly special, but in conversation, if she tells a story about one of her friends, she may add a bit of judgement.  Not horrible, foul-mouthed smack talk  But more like a, 'let me tell you about her' or 'she's funny to me'.  She does it so much, that I wonder if and what she may be saying about me.  She has a frienemy whom I think she cannot stand, but whenever they are together, I feel like she caters to the girl.

My question tonight is:  can you trust someone who talks about others, not to talk about you in the same manner?  Is there any chance that you may be that special friend?  Maybe she holds your business sacred.  Or maybe she feels I am the kind of person she can be completely honest with and know I will not share the conversations with anyone else.  Or, am I to assume I am being discussed in the same way?  Can a good gossip ever be trusted?

Discuss.

Hello!

Antoine and I spent our last night, in Puerto Vallarta, having a 'romantic' sunset dinner for two, by the ocean.  Everything was beautiful.  We had a private dinner with our own personal server to fulfill our every need.  Although the package we reserved, is more for couples, everyone keeps asking if we are married or engaged, we have soaked it all in and enjoyed every moment.

After dessert, sipping champaign, red wine, gossiping and discussing our goals and dreams for the future, we headed down the tiki-lit walkway towards our room.  It was at the end of the walkway, we spotted a little girl, about 6 or 7 and a woman who appeared to be her grandmother.  As we walked past, the girl said, 'Hello!'.  To which I looked back and responded, 'hello' with a smile.  The 'grandmother', speaking only Spanish, mentioned something about taking a photograph and handed Antoine her camera.  He took it and began to take a picture of the two of them.  I on the other hand stared out in space, looking at the sky.  The 'grandmother' then clarified herself and the little girl walked over to us.  The little girl wanted to take a picture with us!  I posed her in the middle and we smiled, obliging her wish.

They thanked us and we went our separate ways.  I don't know if they do not see many of 'us' where they are from, if the girl thought we were celebrities of some sort or if they just thought we would be a good picture to get.  Either way, it blew my mind for a minute.  So, if in the future you see antoine and I on the internet with a little Latin girl or we are in someone's Facebook photos, just think, it all started with a simple, 'Hello!'