I must admit this was a real challenge for me. When I turn on my computer, FB is where I go immediately. I go there whether I have a reason or not. It was getting a little out of control. I had been threatening to put myself on punishment for sometime now. But never had the courage. So what prompted my last post to be: I am on hiatus. (or something of the nature, I really do not remember verbatim)? An old family friend.
This person has been in my life, before I can remember. We have only been intimate once, and even that was years and years into our 'friendship'. This person, though I love him, is a bit of a playboy (trying to use nice words here). I used to have a huge crush on him, to the point I just knew we would be married. As friends we have talked about all types of girls he's dated and women he has had. But recently he has met and began a relationship with one girl in particular. They have been together for a year now. I know this because this week he posted pictures of them together celebrating their anniversary.
I cannot tell you why seeing this had me enraged, but I was. Maybe it's the fact that this ninja has never taken me ANYWHERE! With the exception of one movie when I was 19, we have never dated. Although he has confessed to loving me (always in past tense terms). I have met him out and he would not even buy me a drink! Now if you ask him, his memory is so completely different. The story always has me looking like a cold b*tch, who he would have settled down with if only I did not have a boyfriend when he was ready. But I digress.
I could not stop looking at these pictures of this seemingly happy couple, but it was making me more and more jealous, irritated and sad. Maybe the reason my forehead instinctively crinkled was because awhile back I had suggested we have a slumber party (I know, I know...but I really meant platonic), he was game, but said (loose quote): 'let me come up with something first, I don't want _____ to find out. 'Cause she ain't having that.' My girlfriend, in friendly girl you done lost ya damn mind anger was like, he cares about her, he just wants some ass from you.
Needless to say I do believe I am over him. I do not feel an attraction to him, even before my girl broke it down. I realize he is no longer attractive to me. I mean physically as well as...well everything else. I do not want a whore for a boyfriend/husband. I do not want to take the kind of 'cute' pictures with someone that has everyone on FB saying 'aaawww', but be totally ignorant to the fact he still is open to opportunities with other women. This friend has called to tell me he has had dreams about me, but on FB these two lovebirds are sickening with their baby, I love you so much or every minute with you brings me closer to eternity (or some bullshit!). Whatever it is, the point I take away from all of this is, why is she better than me?? And whenever MJ starts to doubt herself, Houston we have a gatdamn problem!!
My solution: no Facebook for an entire week. You know what, I actually feel good and strong. My mind is clear too. It's good not hearing everyone's thoughts all damn day! It reminds me of the Jim Carey movie, Bruce Almighty, where he gets to be God for awhile. He soon realizes how hard it is to concentrate when you have people all over the world praying to you incessantly everyday all day. That is exactly what Facebook has become to me. Random people with random-ass thoughts. The ridiculous part is, I have gotten to the point where these 'thoughts' have annoyed me, caused me to snoop and innocently stalk, made me mad, or just caused me to doubt myself. That's a problem!
How long will I be without FB? I have no idea, but I will never again look at it the same.