I'd Like to Cancel My Appointment Please...

This morning for the third time in a row, I have canceled my annual pap smear. Although it was due in May, I have been too busy traveling and entertaining myself to go. Around July I decided enough was enough, I needed to make an appointment. From then on, I have managed to do any and everything, besides having my 'lady' (to use Mr. Ghana's term) checked out. For someone who loves going to the doctor, I could not figure this out. Why has my interest in my health vanished? What I love about the Holy Spirit is, things will be revealed to you, if you just listen.

I was referred to this doctor by a minister at church, who, from time to time has served as my spiritual advisor of sorts. I was having infinite trouble with my boyfriend at the time and was extremely and constantly depressed. I would cry all the time and stayed in a regular funk. In addition to dealing with him, I had a low-paying job that I absolutely HATED. I was miserable. Yet and still, I wanted a baby (I know, go figure huh) and I needed to see if there was any hope in curing me of this blue haze that surrounded me. The gynecologist was Black, female and easy to talk to, she was and is a good doctor.

On my first visit, I climbed on the table semi-nude and waited patiently for her to enter. When she did, I saw a woman who fit my minister's description. Within about five minutes of her asking me why I came to visit, tearfully I explained that I was so sad and cried all of the time. I asked if my hormones were alright and if I could have a baby. I told her I was arguing with my boyfriend a lot and needed something to balance my moods but would not make me a zombie. She gave me this hormone cream that you apply to your inner thighs. I don't know if it worked or if I thought it worked, but in time I realized, it wasn't me, it was that damn boyfriend and job of mine! I stopped using the cream, especially since it had to be specially ordered from a small pharmacy in Kentucky, costing me over $100 a pop!

Anyway, I digress, it occurred to me that the reason I do not want to go there, is on my first or second visit (I can't remember), while paying my co-pay before leaving I felt someone staring at me. When I looked up to my left, it was a girl that attended the same college as I. We were not friends by any means. But I managed to hit her with a weak smile and accompanying 'hi'. She continued to stare at me, something her and her 'crew' (I'll get into the crew part on another posting) used to do to me in college. The blank, curious, but irritated stare. I paid and left.

You cannot convince me that my file was not looked over upon my departure. Although I continued to visit the doctor, I found myself hoping she would not be there. I caught myself trying to put together 'decent' clothes just for a visit to the gynecologist! So today, after canceling for what I hope is my last time, I have made the decision not to go back there again. If the thought of seeing her gives me more anxiety than being naked in a cold room, with my feet up in stirrups, while someone physically touches my cervix with their finger, it's officially time to consider another medical facility. Anyone know of a good gynecologist with decent hours to match?