Say Ms. Lady, can you spare a dime?

Some of you may know I am walking in the AIDS Run & Walk Chicago 2010 this Saturday. Let me tell you, fundraising can be fun, but it is a real b*tch! You would be surprised how many 'friends' have avoided me like the black plague. People I can get on the phone at anytime, now do not answer their phone or call me back. I had an ex-boyfriend promise me he would donate, but has since fallen off the face of the planet. Another guy who said yes to donating, has disappeared as well. Then there are those who avoid the topic period. If they contact me, it's about everything but my walk or that text message they know they got! My favorite was an ex co-worker who commented 'Awesome!' on my Facebook page after I posted how much money I had raised, but it took about 1-2 days to reply to my response asking if this meant she too would donate. She said she would see what she could do. Trust me, I know people are on a budget, hell I am! But when it comes to money, you really get to see people. Not to say anyone is bad or not a friend, but money can make people weird and uneasy. For this reason, I give props to fundraisers who make this their career. My father's friend, who makes a living this way (writing for grants and fundraising- essentially asking for money) told me the hardest part is just simply asking. She could not have spoken anything closer to the truth. I really take my hat off to her, because this can be humiliating, annoying and absolutely uncomfortable. But it's for a good cause, so that's what keeps me motivated. That and my penchant for self-challenging competition. So far I have raised $1656! My goal is $2500. But I am so geeked about what I have collected, you cannot tell I'm about $900 away from it. If you should decide to donate, my page is: http://afc.aidschicago.org/netcommunity/maya.

Time Out

So this week I challenged myself to avoid Facebook at all costs. The only exception being if I receive an alert on my phone that a message/comment has been sent to me. Anything else is out of the question. From Monday until today, I have not perused my homepage to see what everyone is up to. Or stalked unsuspecting friends of friends of friends. I have in total, received about three notices. They were random things such as, someone commenting on a photo I commented on months ago.

I must admit this was a real challenge for me. When I turn on my computer, FB is where I go immediately. I go there whether I have a reason or not. It was getting a little out of control. I had been threatening to put myself on punishment for sometime now. But never had the courage. So what prompted my last post to be: I am on hiatus. (or something of the nature, I really do not remember verbatim)? An old family friend.

This person has been in my life, before I can remember. We have only been intimate once, and even that was years and years into our 'friendship'. This person, though I love him, is a bit of a playboy (trying to use nice words here). I used to have a huge crush on him, to the point I just knew we would be married. As friends we have talked about all types of girls he's dated and women he has had. But recently he has met and began a relationship with one girl in particular. They have been together for a year now. I know this because this week he posted pictures of them together celebrating their anniversary.

I cannot tell you why seeing this had me enraged, but I was. Maybe it's the fact that this ninja has never taken me ANYWHERE! With the exception of one movie when I was 19, we have never dated. Although he has confessed to loving me (always in past tense terms). I have met him out and he would not even buy me a drink! Now if you ask him, his memory is so completely different. The story always has me looking like a cold b*tch, who he would have settled down with if only I did not have a boyfriend when he was ready. But I digress.

I could not stop looking at these pictures of this seemingly happy couple, but it was making me more and more jealous, irritated and sad. Maybe the reason my forehead instinctively crinkled was because awhile back I had suggested we have a slumber party (I know, I know...but I really meant platonic), he was game, but said (loose quote): 'let me come up with something first, I don't want _____ to find out. 'Cause she ain't having that.' My girlfriend, in friendly girl you done lost ya damn mind anger was like, he cares about her, he just wants some ass from you.

Needless to say I do believe I am over him. I do not feel an attraction to him, even before my girl broke it down. I realize he is no longer attractive to me. I mean physically as well as...well everything else. I do not want a whore for a boyfriend/husband. I do not want to take the kind of 'cute' pictures with someone that has everyone on FB saying 'aaawww', but be totally ignorant to the fact he still is open to opportunities with other women. This friend has called to tell me he has had dreams about me, but on FB these two lovebirds are sickening with their baby, I love you so much or every minute with you brings me closer to eternity (or some bullshit!). Whatever it is, the point I take away from all of this is, why is she better than me?? And whenever MJ starts to doubt herself, Houston we have a gatdamn problem!!

My solution: no Facebook for an entire week. You know what, I actually feel good and strong. My mind is clear too. It's good not hearing everyone's thoughts all damn day! It reminds me of the Jim Carey movie, Bruce Almighty, where he gets to be God for awhile. He soon realizes how hard it is to concentrate when you have people all over the world praying to you incessantly everyday all day. That is exactly what Facebook has become to me. Random people with random-ass thoughts. The ridiculous part is, I have gotten to the point where these 'thoughts' have annoyed me, caused me to snoop and innocently stalk, made me mad, or just caused me to doubt myself. That's a problem!

How long will I be without FB? I have no idea, but I will never again look at it the same.

Shhh...what's that noise??

This morning I heard a sound I had not heard in months. A slow and steady hissing that woke me from my sleep. In my early morning confusion I had a hard time making out what this sound was. Then as I pulled my four blankets and sheet tighter around my neck and feet, it occurred to me, the HEAT is on!!! Winter is back! As I was wrapped in my human burrito, a smile came to my face. Here we go again. Stay warm ladies and gentlemen!

The Will Signing Ceremony

Tonight after work, my friend Nicole and I met my dad at his friend's house to authenticate and sign his will. My dad's friend is a recent graduate of law school, who was kind enough to draw up some legally binding paperwork to serve as my dad's last will and testament. After the paperwork was signed, we popped champaign and chatted about music.

Nicole drove my dad home and me to my car, both located in Hyde Park. On my journey home, I noticed that I missed a call. It was my dad. I immediately called him back, because I did not know if he needed something urgent, since we had just left him. Well he did. He asks me if I'm still with Nicole. I replied, 'no'. He proceeds to tell me if I talk to Nicole, to see if she found some BLUE pills in her back seat. In my mind I was thinking...could he be talking about...nooo. YES!! My 79-year-old father proceeds to tell me how he had his Viagra pills in his pocket, but now could not find them, so he assumed they fell out. What the hell is going on?! I tell him how embarrassing it is to even ask her this and that the incident has even happened. His only concern, is that the pills are expensive and he wants them back. Questions that immediately run through my mind in a matter of seconds:

1. Why the hell did you bring Viagra to a Will Signing Ceremony!!???

2. Why are the pills lose in your pocket!!??

Laughing, Nicole told me she did find the pills and that I can pick them up along with a bag that I left (containing completely sensible things might I add) tomorrow.

Things to do list:

1. Pick up some groceries.

2. Schedule an appointment for my oil change.

3. Call a couple of friends.

4. Pick up my dad's Viagra!

I'd Like to Cancel My Appointment Please...

This morning for the third time in a row, I have canceled my annual pap smear. Although it was due in May, I have been too busy traveling and entertaining myself to go. Around July I decided enough was enough, I needed to make an appointment. From then on, I have managed to do any and everything, besides having my 'lady' (to use Mr. Ghana's term) checked out. For someone who loves going to the doctor, I could not figure this out. Why has my interest in my health vanished? What I love about the Holy Spirit is, things will be revealed to you, if you just listen.

I was referred to this doctor by a minister at church, who, from time to time has served as my spiritual advisor of sorts. I was having infinite trouble with my boyfriend at the time and was extremely and constantly depressed. I would cry all the time and stayed in a regular funk. In addition to dealing with him, I had a low-paying job that I absolutely HATED. I was miserable. Yet and still, I wanted a baby (I know, go figure huh) and I needed to see if there was any hope in curing me of this blue haze that surrounded me. The gynecologist was Black, female and easy to talk to, she was and is a good doctor.

On my first visit, I climbed on the table semi-nude and waited patiently for her to enter. When she did, I saw a woman who fit my minister's description. Within about five minutes of her asking me why I came to visit, tearfully I explained that I was so sad and cried all of the time. I asked if my hormones were alright and if I could have a baby. I told her I was arguing with my boyfriend a lot and needed something to balance my moods but would not make me a zombie. She gave me this hormone cream that you apply to your inner thighs. I don't know if it worked or if I thought it worked, but in time I realized, it wasn't me, it was that damn boyfriend and job of mine! I stopped using the cream, especially since it had to be specially ordered from a small pharmacy in Kentucky, costing me over $100 a pop!

Anyway, I digress, it occurred to me that the reason I do not want to go there, is on my first or second visit (I can't remember), while paying my co-pay before leaving I felt someone staring at me. When I looked up to my left, it was a girl that attended the same college as I. We were not friends by any means. But I managed to hit her with a weak smile and accompanying 'hi'. She continued to stare at me, something her and her 'crew' (I'll get into the crew part on another posting) used to do to me in college. The blank, curious, but irritated stare. I paid and left.

You cannot convince me that my file was not looked over upon my departure. Although I continued to visit the doctor, I found myself hoping she would not be there. I caught myself trying to put together 'decent' clothes just for a visit to the gynecologist! So today, after canceling for what I hope is my last time, I have made the decision not to go back there again. If the thought of seeing her gives me more anxiety than being naked in a cold room, with my feet up in stirrups, while someone physically touches my cervix with their finger, it's officially time to consider another medical facility. Anyone know of a good gynecologist with decent hours to match?

The Naomi Files

After leaving my friend's house and retiring to my bed last night, I was able to catch the Oprah interview with Naomi Campbell. The show was a rerun, but I have never seen it. I had heard about the episode and wanted to catch the interview. Oprah of course probed her about her anger issues and violence against others. Here's the deal, Naomi has a birthday about four days before mine. I am not Ms. Cleo, but I do believe that some individuals born around the same time, share some personality traits. I so can relate to some of her foolishness. She cried throughout the entire show. At one point Oprah asks why she was crying, to which Naomi responds: "I don't know." Oh have I been there! Upset, sad, angry and potentially violent. Seeing red, exploding and immediately feeling ridiculous. I appreciate her honesty and vulnerability. You cannot go on the Oprah show and think you will run the interview. That is not going to happen. You will humble yourself or be humbled. It was good to see Naomi, because her actions mirrored some of mine. I can relate to the string of boyfriends and craziness. I pray for her and pray for myself to continue to overcome some of my anger demons. It is a long, slow uphill battle to stop being a control freak. It is a hard road towards being able to let go. That is why a few days ago I blogged about me driving patiently behind a slow motorist. It may not seem like much, but I have to celebrate my sanity. I have to embrace my inner peace. I have to hold tight to patience. Because truth be told, it does not come easy to me. I have always been a ball of fire, even as a child. My continuous maturation involves me turning the fire down, without putting it out.

Maya the Grouch!

I had one of those days today. Everything kind of irked me. The good news is, nothing work related. The bad news, everything else. I'm feeling like I want people to care and contact me, but I don't want to be bothered, all at the same time. It is crazy. However, the older I get, I understand this about myself and can try to nip it in the bud. So instead of calling people to pick fights about how unfair and selfish they are, I just isolate myself. It keeps me from ending even more friendships. Alas, such is life. I will try to get some sleep tonight and see what tomorrow brings.

Too Good Tuesday

Three amazing things occurred today that I must share.

1. Although the driver in front of me was giving his passenger a personal tour of Woodlawn today, driving ridiculously slowly and staying waaayyy too long at stop signs, I did not blow my horn. I did not even dramatically swerve in front of him. Not a glare was made toward the man. I just relaxed and kept his uncomfortable pace. I exhibited patience.

2. In Hyde Park Produce I put back the pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie, and opted instead to get the chips and salsa. It is fast approaching that special ladies' time of the month for me and the chocolate would put my spirit at ease. But since I'm trying to lose 5-10lbs, every little bit counts.

3. Finally, while approaching the gate leading to my building, hands saddled down with bags of groceries, a young brotha asks if I need help. I said no thank you and then thank you again. He didn't try to holla, or just walk past me, but instinctively asked if I needed help. Beautiful and amazing!