Rainy Days

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.  Isn't that how The Carpenters' song goes?  Today is Thursday, actually.  But it is raining and has been off and on since yesterday morning.  It is gloomy outside, no doubt.  Judging by my mood and the fact that I am actually giddy and have a slight case of the giggles, you would think it is sunny outside.  Nothing particularly special occurs today.  I have an interview for the blog this evening, but beyond that, everything is pretty normal.  I do like Thursdays and have for a long time.  Growing up, Thursday was the night I got to stay up late to watch The Cosby Show and A Different World.  My parents usually kept me on a very tight, 7pm bedtime schedule all the way past Junior High.  It seems harsher than it was.  I did not have to actually go to sleep, just withdraw from the rest of the house.  My bedroom became my sanctuary.  It was there that I fell in love with music and books- the two things I could indulge in, since T.V. was not an option. 

Maybe my mood is a result of Thursdays bringing me closer to my favorite time of the week, Fridays and the weekend.  Either way, I feel nice today, despite the grey scene just outside of my window.  Which further confirms, I set my own moods. I determine how much of a funk I want to be in and for how long.  When I wake up feeling good, there is not much that can stop me from feeling that way.  My mood is kind of secure at that point.  Now if I could just bottle up this feeling and keep it always- that would be wonderful.  How are you feeling today?

Always On Time

Today, a photographer came to our office to take pictures of my co-worker for an upcoming article about him that is being published.  While my co-worker was being interviewed, the photographer asked me if I could help him test the lighting set-up by letting him take some test shots.  "Sure", I said.  After a couple of clicks he was satisfied, saying, "here, you might as well take a look."  I did and they were good.  I joked, "I could use those for my LinkedIn profile picture.  He basically responded, "well since you're here.  Step back."  Then started clicking away, taking about five more pictures.  He gave me his card and told me to drop him a line to remind him to send me the photos.

Now see, that's what I'm talking about!  I have been messing around and not updating or utilizing my LinkedIn account.  One of my setbacks was I wanted a respectable and professional picture.  Not too serious, but more "buttoned up" than my Facebook picture.  I just never got around to taking one.  None of the previous pictures I had seemed to work- bikini pictures, pictures of cocktails, pictures of me out at parties- all no no's.  The picture he took today was perfect.  I had on work clothes.  The lighting was right.  The picture was taken with a professional camera, by a professional.  What else did I need?

I like how I can think about something and put it out in the "atmosphere" and it will just come to me.  I call it, ghetto blessings or speaking to the universe.  The kind of blessings that are always right on time and seem to speak directly to you.  The $10 bill I find in an old coat pocket.  The lady at the Baskin Robbins who did not charge me for my hot fudge.  Or having my LinkedIn profile picture taken by a professional photographer for free.

I love little quirky blessings.  The small ones that sometimes seem just as impactful as the larger, more grandiose blessings.  What's the last ghetto blessing you can remember?

The Friendship Expert

This morning I read an article entitled Four Ways to Avoid Unnecessary Friendship Drama on Essence.com.  I thought it was honest and poignant, unlike many articles about friendship.  The article, written by Charli Penn, featured friendship expert (I did not know such a thing existed formerly) Shasta Nelson who authored the book Friendships Don't Just Happen!.  Of the four ways listed, the first one struck a chord immediately.  The question posed was How can I show up a little more thoughtfully?  In her answer, Nelson asks:  "she may be jealous, and we don’t want to play smaller to avoid her jealousy, but could we affirm her more?"  POW! 

I read that quote over and over and over again.  It made me think of something my girlfriend Michele told me years ago.  I was meeting up with some friends I had known for a long time, but had only recently started hanging out with.  I wanted to look nice (that's just how I am), but was trying not to shine too much.  The article of clothing in question was my floor-length, fur-trimmed, shearling coat equipped with a big dramatic Little Red Riding Hood-esque hood and a rhinestone embellished tied closure.  I was hanging with Michele before the get-together and was telling her how I had apprehensions about wearing the coat, especially wearing it and stepping out of my "luxury" vehicle.  I did not know what message I would be sending and thought it best to play it down a bit with a more sensible and casual coat.  Michele, whom I first met when I was 19 and she was too grown to invite me to any of her parties or functions with her other grown-ass friends, said this:  "if they're your friends they will accept you just the way you are.  Fur coat and all." 

When I read the article today, I had an aha moment that reverberated from the past.  I no longer want to play smaller to avoid someone else's jealousy.  Although I already try to make a point of doing this, I will consciously affirm my friends more.  If we are friends, let's be that and accept each other, not just flaws and all, but blessings, good attributes and all.  Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately.  Mainly because of some recent shifts in my friendship-sphere.  I say shifts because I cannot fully point them out nor define them definitely as problems, but something is amiss.  My instinct is to look inward, which is always important, but that can be faulty in terms of not taking into account the other party's issue(s).  I cannot think of a better bond than the one between womenfolk.  However, with that bond, as with any other bond, insecurities can erupt.  I want to celebrate my girlfriends and have that love be reciprocated.  If I cannot be all of me around my friends, than with whom can I be myself?  Michele, as usual, was right.  Maybe she should be a friendship expert.

Mirror Mirror

Have you even known someone who, let's say, seems to mirror you?  I don't want to use the term, copy or imitate.  I think, "mirror" is a better way of describing it.  I know someone who seems, and I could be wrong or paranoid, but I think not, to mirror me.  I can point to at least three occasions when she has done things very similiar to myself.  Maybe it was a purchase.  Or idea that seems to spring up very close after the revealing of mine.  Sometimes it's the humor I use in a Facebook post that a week later will be used by her.  Whatever it is, I get this eery feeling that she is, "flattering me".  As the saying goes, imitation is the best form of flattery.  But sometimes, I wonder.  Especially if the person does not give credit where it's due.  I have been known to tell friends that I am inspired by something they have done, whether it's their style, a place they have visited or a particular action they take.  I will even go as far as let them know that I plan on copying them, by following in their footsteps.  It seems to go over well.  No one really cares, but if I did the exact same thing as this particular person, and acted like it was just another day, I think I would feel weird.  Again, maybe I am just being paranoid.  I know I cannot be the only one that this happens to, it may just be an uncomfortable thing to discuss.  I mean, it comes across conceited to think that a specific idea is solely yours.  How special must you feel about yourself to believe someone is copying your actions?  With that said though, my inner 8 year old self says, "yeah, I still think she is straight up copying".  Instead of being irritated, I will settle on just being flattered. 

The New Newlywed

I asked my good friend, Ann, if I could interview her about being a newlywed.  She has only been married for four months (November 2012); I thought she would be great for insight.  Ann happily complied, saying that she had a lot to say on the subject.  As a single girl, I like to get the real scoop on such matters.  Not the sugar-coated, bullshit that usually accompannies such topics.  If anyone was going to give me straight talk, it would definitely be Ann.

We decided to meet after 5pm and head over to a private club, where she is a member, to enjoy cocktails and gab about the subject at hand.  After ordering two dirty martinis, sampling the cheese selection and looking out over the rooftops of surrounding skyscraper buildings that make up the Chicago skyline, we got started.



Ann and Bryan in the early days, before marriage.

I asked Ann how long she and her husband have been together.  She did not just provide a date, "the last day of July 2007", she gave me a whole background story to go with it.  This is pretty much how the evening flowed; the alcohol acting as a vehicle for Ann's memory.  The tale of how Ann and Bryan met, starts with a wedding that Ann did not want to attend.  The recent grad, who had just finished up her internship at the company where we both now work, wanted to spend her last days of summer beach-lounging at her parent's vacation home in Hilton Head, SC.  She, instead, came home for her friend's wedding.  Irritated by her friendly obligation, she and another mutual friend of the bride's, decided to make the occasion fun- by being obnoxious.  They had a "dress off".  Ann, clad in a black and white "tango dress", her friend in a yellow kimono.  The "very ritzy" wedding, held at the Aon Center, was a black tie affair.  The bride was understandably pissed.    So the ridiculously dressed girls decided to do something even more absurd:  get drunk.

The next day another one of Ann's girlfriends, Sam, asked her to come over to hang out at her apartment's rooftop pool.  She was hungover and sunburned from weeks on the beach.  Hesitant, she relented and went.  Sam, feeling social, started chatting up the three guys sitting next to them.  This did not sit well with Ann.  Here she was, trying unsuccessfully to nurse away her hangover with more alcohol and her friend is offering their beer to strangers.  One of the guys, Bryan, was looking at her.  "[What] do you want a beer too?" she asked.  He did.  Polite and friendly, he mentioned how tan she looked (Bryan, who is Black, was not quite sure what ethnic group, Anne, who is White fell under).  "[I was trying not to] puke in his face."

Bryan, originally from Detroit, and his friends had recently moved to Chicago and were new tenants of Sam's building.  He asked for Ann's number to invite her to their housewarming party.  Throughout the remainder of the summer, she kept going back to the pool, described as an MTV Spring Break Beach House type of spot:  hot people all around.  Whenever she would see Bryan, she asked about the housewarming.  Finally, it became apparent that it was not happening.  He asked her out to dinner instead.  Their first date was at Coast, a sushi restaurant.  Nervous, Bryan took on a more quiet personality than the one Ann first ecountered poolside.  She made a point of letting him know she noticed the difference by teasing him incessantly at dinner.  At the close of their date, Bryan showed his chivalrous side by not getting too fresh.  Ann was not moved.  She cannot remember if he gave her a hug or handshake, whatever it was, he took a conservative and almost prefessional approach.  She opted to bypass the formalities and proceeded to grab and "[make] out with him".  With the exception of a short break they took because she thought he was too polite, (she took him back when she overheard him making date plans with some other girl) they have been together ever since.



The couple at Wrigley enjoying a Cubs game.

Ann admits there have been some changes after exchanging vowels.  The major one is how Bryan has become a "Mr. Fix-it" now.  When she confronted him about this, he confessed that in the back of his mind he always felt that at any time, she could walk out on the relationship, so he drew the line before marriage. Bryan was not as invested in their condo prior to marriage.  He is more proactive with household chores now.  What has changed for both of them is that they are more likely to take a step back when the other person is upset.

On our second round of martinis, the conversation gets Ann the most expressive and opinionated.  I ask, what separates you and Bryan from other newlyweds you know?  Her response:  "Oh my God.  This is the best question!"  Ann stands firm in her thought that marriage should not change a person or their life.  When she speaks of a "person", she means women.  In Ann's opinion, the fact that you know you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, means there is no need to spend so much time with them.  Fickle post-marriage friends are her "biggest fucking pet peeve!"  She feels that the friends and people who were in your life before you got married, the same ones who shaped who you are should not fall waist-side, once you get married.  "Have your girls' day.  Your lifestyle was fine before.  That's how you fell in love."  Ann continues, "All these crazy girls drop everything.  No.  Be yourself.  Do your own thing!"  She has sensed an anticipation of being a housewife as the culprit.  Women start being extra domestic, attentive and available- trying to forecast their husband's assumed needs.  In a mocking voice, she imitates some oft-heard excuse for not hanging out:  "I have to go home and cook for [insert husband's name].  You never cooked for him before."  She questions why a woman would work so hard their whole lives, putting in "blood, sweat and tears" to end up doing nothing.  "Fuck that!  Why spend so much money on college?!"  The thought of being a stay-at-home wife bores her.  She is tired of girls "fall[ing] off the face of the earth".  Ann says nothing has changed with her and Bryan.  She likens it to moving from JD to Varsity, "you're still a high school soccer player.  Be yourself."

Ann and Bryan on their wedding day.

For the single girls, Ann says it is important to "keep your options open and don't settle."  She admonishes against the "super hot asshole" and questions if women really want that.  Her suggestion is to link up with someone sweet, good and who shares your same values.  Something Ann has noticed, even with Bryan, is that you cannot escape your father.  Especially if you have a close relationship.  Although you may not see it at first, subconciously, you will be drawn to someone who is like your dad.  It was her father who instructed her never to bring home someone with no ambition- something he always displayed.  Color and background were not important to him.  A hard worker was the most significant quality.  She concludes:  "there is no perfect package."  Truer words have never been spoken.  Check please!!

The honeymoon in Thailand and Cambodia

Ann on...

...the best marriage advice she was given...
She has never received any advice she would consider positive about marriage.  Most people seem to focus on work, never the good things about being married.  Her advice to newlyweds?  "Value each other."  Once married, there is no "get the fuck out of my house.  No, this is [our] house."  She is also against bringing a child into the mix until you are comfortable and ready.

...the best thing about having a husband...
The support that "any long-term relationship" should provide.  Ann and Bryan support each other to achieve their individual goals.  She also feels comforted by family acceptance on both sides.

...if married people can be friends with singles...
Yes.  Most of her friends are single.  When it comes to group activities, Ann thinks a little etiquette goes a long way.  A married or coupled friend should make sure the single friend is comfortable.  This means be easy with the PDA.  "Don't bring them to a couples event with eight couples.  That's dick!  It's an easy question, but people don't get this stuff."

...encouraging others to get married...
She does not encourage or dissuade people from getting married, "everyone's different."  But she thinks people should consider the concept of forever.  "You get sick of your favorite socks.  [Your favorite] food."  Time is the most critical factor to Ann.  She recalls, it took three years of living together before discovering that it was Bryan, tapping his toothbrush on the sink, that caused the watermarks on the bathroom mirror.  Although she is aware it is not major, she queries, "what if we had been married?  There are things that take time to come out."  That is why she is a proponent for living with someone for at least a year prior to taking that walk down the aisle.  To experience someone's routine.

...what brides-to-be need to know...
Whether you're worried about your dress- "it will get ruined" (whatever your
idea of ruined is).  Your in-laws- "there is always a one-up factor, especially with mothers".  Or the drunk person that inevitably acts an ass.  "Do not think everything you want, you're going to get."  Even those you will get "heat" from about not receiving an invitation, "you shouldn't care.  Get over it!"

Security!!

Today, a woman came to the office where I work and asked for the code to the women's restroom.  I hesistantly gave it to her.  She looked a little shady.  Not from her attire or overall appearance, just because she looked a bit nervous and out of place.  Plus, we lock the restrooms for a reason.  I was hoping she was visiting the organization across the hall and that I did not just let a total stranger in the bathroom.  My co-worker, who was standing at my desk at the time, confirmed my suspicions when she told me the woman was carrying the chest plate of a "monkey suit".  Now I am really nervous.  What if this is one of those radical protestors who is offended by corporate America?  Or maybe, it's someone who plans on locking themselves in the ladies room for the remainder of the day?  Possibly she has come to kill us.  Don't ask me why these thoughts came to mind.  I am of the post 9/11 generation.  There have been plenty I have seen that I never would have imagined prior.  My brain will takes it's own journey to crazy land whenever it so chooses. 

Having said that, I called the building's security- which is not very secure.  My co-worker also called when she left my desk.  Now we have a real situation developing.  So the head of security comes up to our floor and asks someone from the neighboring office to check out and clear the ladies room.  Sidebar:  see what I mean about a not so secure building?  If you feel there might be danger lurking in the bathroom, why would you send an unsuspecting person to clear the door for you?  Anyhoo, the woman turned out to be a singing telegram.  One of the girls across the hall is celebrating a birthday today.  How was I supposed to know?  It was actually the person who opened the bathroom door for security. Again, my bad!  When the woman, now fully clad in a gorilla suit came to the door, she was a bit irritated.  "Why didn't ya just ask?  I would have given you a card."  Which she did.  So, if you're looking for a singing telegram, and who isn't these days?  Visit their website:  Ashley and Blake Magic.  They also have a "Tons of Fun" striptease and celebrity impersonators.  False alarm!

Cleaning House

It is currently 18 degrees here in Chicago.  The forecast calls for "light snow", but however "light" it may be, it is steady and doesn't appear to be stopping any time soon.  The Gift and I were driving to go pick up lunch for a friend when we drove by something so special.  I know it was a message direct from God, because it touched me so.  I almost cried.  What was it that I saw from my passenger seat you ask?  What was the miraculous message practically gift-wrapped for me?  Driving under the viaduct, I witnessed a homeless man with a broom sweeping snow and tidying up his area.  "His area" consisted of a large pallet for a bed and some bags.  The message(s) I received?  Take care of home- wherever home is.  Be grateful for what you have.  Take care of what you have, no matter how little it is.  I hear You Lord, I hear You.