Yesterday, I got in a tiny 'tiff' with a co-worker who had annoyed me. We reconciled afterwards, both geminis, we are too sensitive not to speak our minds. This morning, he passed by my desk slowly, stopped and said, 'are we better today? Because you were going through a thing yesterday.' I replied that I was better and gave him a hug. He is old enough to be my father and can rub me the wrong way when I am being sensitive, but I clammer to his advise. It is not only on point, but his wisdom speaks volumes. That is if I can get him to sit still long enough. He said, 'I know what's wrong with you. You need an esteem adjustment.' He said that the problem is, I look good, I feel good and I got it going on, but I have no one to share this with everyday. I responded, having a eureka moment, 'yeah, you're right!'
I have been trying to pinpoint this haze and funk mood I have been in for about a month now. It is stronger sometimes and lighter other times. But either way, there is this underlying mist of loneliness and irritability. Confusion and awkwardness stalk me and this 'what the fuck is wrong with me' attitude consumes my thoughts all the time. I role play in my head what I should have done in past situations, or what I want for the future. My daily prayers have recently included asking God for forgiveness for doubting myself and Him, and internalizing negative feelings about myself. Forgetting sometimes, who I am and WHOSE I am. Now do not get me wrong. As you might have read in my last post, I am surrounded by love and enjoy life to the fullest. That is not a gimmick or act, that is the known truth. But there are times in a woman's (or man's for that matter) life where there is a different kind of companionship she craves. The girls fill me up, and I feel fulfilled and loved. But there is this nagging desire that creeps up in the midnight hours or on my way to the market or to the gym or hell, anywhere!
As Jill Scott sang in 'Wanna Be Loved', Don't feel no pity for me 'cause I'm goin' through a couple things life means change, that's the way it goes. All my life a had a constant burning, a strong deep desire an aching ambiguous yearning, yearning, yearning for something better, for something bigger, for something wider, for something higher.' This song so eloquently puts into perspective what it is I feel. I do not feel sorry for myself, or at least I do not let myself feel sorry for myself. I am far too blessed to have pity on me. So I do not expect anyone else to, but what gives me this deep-gut, slow rumbling chuckle/nearly ugly-faced cry is how much of a joke my dating life feels. I mean, it really feels like I am paying a penance for some shit that happened centuries ago to my great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother. I would love to sit and have a cold beer or smooth glass of wine with God and chat about this situation. It is comical. It is as if I walked on stage of an improv comedy set by accident on my way back to my seat from the bathroom. You see the other actors do not know I am not supposed to be there, so they just keep added me into the mix. Begrudgingly, I play along. Only to find out I do not have the skill-set to participate. Either way, ninjas is laughing and happy, and I am trying my best to get back to my rightful seat, over there in the VIP section.
Here is my latest comedy installment. We will refer to the brotha as Mr. Panties. In a previous post, I discussed how I rolled over after spending the night with him (there was no sex at ALL) only to find some dirty-ass, scummy draws on the floor beside his floor mattress. Anyway, although I decided to take his word that they belonged to his brother's jump-off, he was never really looked at the same. I first met him when I was about 19. I was away at college, but met him through my sister and her best friend, who was dating his co-worker, on one of my home visits. My sister decided to hook us up, because he was too young (a year older than me) and she was married. The 4 of us would go on double dates and whatever. I was smitten, as usual. Around this exact same time of the year, I was out of school and the Blues Fest was taking place. We made plans to meet there later in the afternoon. I would get my hair done and call him to discuss the details. I had not spoken to or seen that brotha since, until just this past February. He absolutely vanished. I remember blowin' his mama's phone up calling him (before people had personal cell phones, and before I had any ounce of sense and/or dignity). His family, if they answered would say he was not home, but the calls were never returned. Nineteen year-old MJ was crushed. I mean totally devastated. But as time went on, other boyfriend's sprung up and took my attention.
Fast forward to the present year, his old co-worker still communicates with my sister's best friend. I guess the co-worker saw my picture one day and told Mr. Panties that I looked good, yadda, yadda, yadda. The next thing I know, I receive a friend request from him on Facebook. I did not recognize or really remember him initially. He confirmed who he was and we talked on the phone that night. He was excited to be talking to me. Although still a bit salty and cynical, I decided not to hold a grudge. He kept reiterating how he could not remember why we stopped talking in the first place. Well I did. I held my cool and said nothing. I kept it easy, breezy. Then finally one day, while texting me at work, he asked what was up with me and could we 'explore' something more. I casually, but plainly went in on him. Letting him know, that despite my silence, I did indeed remember why we stopped talking and that I cannot assume that just because he is older, he won't do that again. He explained that he was young and immature. In response to me stating that with me, I am more than a notion, you have to come hard or stay home, he said he would not even 'come at me' if he did not intend on being serious...'well, ok...'
Here is the punchline. After the panties incident and slight shadiness here and there (maybe from both parties), he started to show himself. See here is why I hate the brothas from the past. Do not dig me up. Because you cannot handle this. All this nerdy, country, random, horny, moody-as-hell, free-spirited hotness, is not for everyone. In fact, stay where you are. We will both be better people for it. I learned in grad school while studying Gerontology (the study of aging) that there is this major myth about older adults being grumpy. In contrast, studies show you are most likely going to keep the same personality you have always had. You do not get older and meaner, you were probably mean when you were young. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. But let's face it, you dropped off the face of the planet then and you still have that tendency to deal with issues by running away. The latest on this dude? Well my sister's BF sent me an inbox asking if I wished him a Happy Birthday. It was out of left field, but I told her I had actually sent him birthday wishes via text. She never responded (whatever that was about). It got me curious. What was it she wanted me to see? Tonight I pulled him up (I have him hidden from my daily feeds as he was starting to irritate me for another violation, but I digress). I noticed his profile picture has been updated and has him posed next to a woman. Okay. I move around and she is now posting things on his page that 'friends' would not. Okay. Further back, I discover his personal information status has been changed to include her as the person he is in a relationship with. Are you kidding me!!???
Is this why you never responded with even a 'thank you' when I sent you a birthday text? Is this why, while trying to throw you some business, I asked you to come up with a punch for my upcoming Girl's Night Out event, you initially agreed, but later cancelled the tasting that YOU set up, and have not mentioned it or contacted me since? Is this why, you have slowly slipped from the gravitational hold of planet Earth, never to be heard from again??? Well not only had he changed his relationship status, he also had previously made a full on confession about how 'home is where the heart is' and she's where he needs to be. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE Black love. I am not really upset, just letting that slow chuckle simmer. I TOLD him in so many words on that faithful day, that he could not handle me and was not ready. I in so many text characters expressed that if he could not deal with me at 19, when I did not know SHIT, he sure as hell would not be able to hold me down now that wisdom creeps into my brain even whilst I sleep! How do you even express to someone, that they 'ain't ready for this'?
He had not changed. And to some degree, neither had I. I am still not for everybody. Again, I am not angry, just snickering. For now, yeah, the jokes on me. But one of these days, (I can feel it in my bones) I WILL flip the script. God is writing my story and so far, I am still only given the rough drafts the day of the performance. But sometimes in between having those growing pangs in the midnight hour, and waking up to a new day. My mind's 3rd eye sees that script, tucked away under His cloak. The one that was written before I was born. The one written before my Mama was born. It has a happy ending. Viewers and audiences alike will be happy to know that all is well, when it's all said and done. My comedy is just that, a comedy. Something to laugh at, and right now I'm laughing. The ultimate goal is to keep laughing, and get the last laugh.
P.S. Here are the entire lyrics of Jill's insightful song: Wanna Be Loved