Soldier For Love

I just ended a hour-plus long conversation with my favorite cousin. He lives in Maryland and although we don't talk every week (or month for that matter) we always connect as if it's only been a couple of hours since our last chat. We discuss everything. Our favorite and most popular topic is relationships. We love hearing each other's interpretation of things and providing advice and encouragement when needed. Point blank, it's always a good talk.

Usually he gives me an update on an ex-boyfriend of mine who is one of his oldest friends. We ended on a sour note. Essentially he got freaked out about how serious the relationship was growing, we had an uncomfortable and heated discussion, then after two days of no communication from either party, he sent an e-mail to break up with me. I know, a real class act. Anyway, anyone who was around me at that time would tell you that I was heartbroken, angry and depressed. But I never again contacted him beyond our last discussion.

Every time my cousin and I speak about the ex, he reveals their personal conversations about the subject (that's my cousin, that's how we roll). The nuts and bolts is, dude misses me and realizes that he messed up. After the tumultuous relationship that followed, he would confide in my cousin that he and I never really had any issues, that he was immature and scared and that he would love to get back what we had. Here's the problem (for him, not me) he will not even call me now. Why you ask? Because he is embarrassed at his lack of maturation. He feels shame for letting a 'good thing' go. He feels foolish for being a jerk to someone who was good to him. So although I hold not one grudge against him, his own guilt won't allow him to even encounter me on Facebook or by phone. The truth of the matter, I think he would be a cool friend. That is why I liked him in the first place, his sense of humor and good conversation.

The lesson I would like to pass on, you can cuss people out until you are blue in the face. You can slash tires, come up to someone's workplace, stalk or harass them. But as a good girlfriend of mine, who is a practicing Christian has said, it's not your battle. If you hand it over to God, he will take care of you and the situation better than anything you could dream of or imagine. I could have fussed him and made the issue bigger than it was, but I would have come across looking not only foolish, but as if I cared. Although I did care, he didn't need to know that. Now he is the one still feeling uncomfortable nearly three years after the fact. Now he can't face me. I love how the tables turn. Luke 20:43

Update...

Okay, my diet from men is working. I'm getting better by the minute. Today, I only had man-crush-thoughts a few times. I was really proud of myself. Now mind you, I could hardly look any of them in the eye. That will come later. For the time being I don't want any of them to 'glamour' me like the vampires do to the humans on True Blood. It sounds crazy but that's how I feel. I have to keep my encounters brief, even with strangers. Keep praying for your girl. I'm trying to stay true to my promise.

Girls just wanna have fun.

So as I mentioned, my girlfriend was in town this week. She stayed with me for five nights and six days. I must tell you I was a little apprehensive at first. Of course she would be welcomed in my home, but I could not help but think of previous girls' trips, roommate situations and anything involving me and broads. They rarely, if ever ended well. Now don't get me wrong. I take full responsibility considering I am the common denominator of each scenario (cue the 'who me face?'). But again, there is always a toss up as to how these close encounters of the vagina-kind will end.

We, however, had a great time. I say that, not in surprise, but with contentment and a little pride. It tells me, I am not the super micro-managing, control freak and bossy dictator I have been led to believe. I can be easy-going and relaxed. But I think I have finally found the key. I work better with those that take control. People that answer your questions, before you ask them. Women that are two steps ahead of your thinking process; so you don't have to think. In essence, I get along better, or rather easier with those who are the way people describe me to be. If not, those that are secure or comfortable enough not to mind my 'suggestions'. For instance my house guest was/is very self-sufficient. She was able to make her way around town, while I was at work.

I find myself being apologetic and self-conscious of my actions, tones and/or suggestions. But I don't want to be. I want to continue to strive to become an even better person, but I don't want to 'lose my luster'. I do not want to dictate where we go or what we do. But when it comes time to do things, I end up being the person to coordinate the activities. I guess if I just sit back and let nature take it's course, a leader will organically emerge. But what if it doesn't? What if we spend time, asking the who, what, when, where and why and not acting? What if we all spent so much time trying not to step on each other's feet that no one ever got around to walking or dancing? What if we sat around with a great idea that never came to fruition?

I have been 'bossy' all of my life, not to everyone or to every situation, but it has been there. The older I get the more it is important that I get things going. Or rather 'keep the party going'. The truth is, I don't want to miss a thing (cue the Aerosmith music). I hate to imagine missing a great concert or show, because I am waiting on others to decide when and what they are going to do. The longer I live the more I am convinced that I want LIFE. Active living gives me a reason to live more actively.

As I told my friend Nicole, I 'don't like people in my space'. The truth is, I love to share common and peaceful space with others. I do not like to share space where I have to alter who I am. I do not want those in my space that will not respect the piece of MJ real estate I am allowing them to enter and reside in 'rent free'. When I say space, I am speaking literally AND figuratively. My space, meaning my life. You can come in, but you have to respect the 'house rules'. The 'house' being me.

I told my girl she is welcome to come back any time, and I mean that. She really is, because it was fun having her around. If you ask my 3 college roommates, my cousin, my mom and dad, they may have a completely different story. They were all roommates of sorts. But I am older and wiser. I am more forgiving and less dramatic about life. I know the importance of getting along and being a good friend. I still have far to go, but at least now I am moving in the right direction.

It's a muscle, you have to work it.

This week I had a house guest from Brooklyn, NY. She had come to town, so that we could go to the Oprah show, for which she scored two tickets. She got in Monday evening and I dropped her off at the airport this morning. I am usually leery about people in my space, but she was a very good house guest. I enjoyed her company. My friend is a good and easygoing conversationalist. As you know, I love to gab myself, so you can imagine the conversations. Also a single woman, she has a lot on her mind regarding men as I do. One of the things we both discussed, was our desire to be completely single this season. Meaning, not just being single, but actively embracing it. I know, I know, I'm always talking about dating and such, but I really need an absolute break. My girl discussed an idea of a popular Christian family she follows. The notion is, to not think about men, don't see them in any other way than them just being men. The goal is to only have your sights on Jesus. Which of course means thinking of His goodness, being grateful for what you have, keeping your thoughts on humanity, your friends and family.

This seemed easy enough. I would use this time to be reflective. I would not concern myself with things I cannot control. Let me be the first to tell you, this is hard. I did not realize how often I think of men. Boyfriends of the past, boyfriends in my dreams, not to mention all potential husbands. It occurred to me in the few days I have tried this experiment, that all I do is think about men, marriage and kids. Every man I encounter, I am picturing them as my husband. Okay, not every man, but every decent man. I think to myself, is this whom God has for me? Is this how I will meet my husband? At the grocery store? I envision, for a hot minute that I am married to the stranger on the bus, or the policeman writing tickets, even the FedEx brotha.

Now that I am consciously making an effort not to do this, I realize how hard it is. I am trying my best to keep my eyes on the real prize. I pray it will get easier. Regardless, this is a good exercise of discipline and faithfulness.

Day 1-Gratitude

It is 7:35 a.m. I have been up since about 5:30 a.m. I am restless, but tired, bored and weak, annoyed and needy. Yes, it is that time AGAIN. But that is not the only thing, I think I would feel these emotions anyway. I feel blue. I feel blah. The problem with the blues is, amongst other things, I have no energy. I want to get out, I have an urge to do something, but I have no motivation. I want to do something, but not alone. The people I could call, I do not want to be bothered with, those I do call, do not want to be bothered with me or have plans. So here I am, skipping church (mistake) and not going to bootcamp (another mistake). I am supposed to be going to visit Nicole's friend's church today, that will be my church today. My bootcamp class takes place out west today and I do not feel like getting lost. I sent my instructor a text to see if we could carpool, he did not res

The next day (Monday, today the 11th)...okay, my next word was going to be respond, but in the middle of typing that message, my instructor did call and offered to pick me up in about 15-20 minutes. I had not picked up my computer since. The moral of the story is, I had a great day! Once I got my butt out of the bed, took a shower, washed my hair and got dressed (yes, all in 20 minutes) I felt better. Prior to that, I was the guest of honor at my own pity party and hated every minute of it. Exercise is a great way to rejuvenate yourself. Especially when your instructor has you pushing his Ford Excursion as part of your training. I felt strong again. I felt happy again.

Another One Bites the Dust

So as some of you might know by now, Mr. Ghana is now Mr. Gone-a! Although he was cute and had some positive points, our relationship's demise came down to one redundant and torturous issue: HIS HOMEWORK! That's right, his homework is the reason we have not spoken since Tuesday, Sept. 21st.

I did not talk about it much, because I really was not sure how I wanted to express my discomfort and irritation doing this for him, but now who cares? It started out innocently enough, he was overwhelmed with assignments for his class and asked if I could answer some discussion questions. My face must have said everything, because he started back-peddling and said I did not have to, but in a guilt-ridden sort of way. Me, trying to be the supporting girlfriend broke down and agreed to do it. I mean, I'm trying to be less 'selfish', in an effort to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship that will lead to marriage and kids one day. Plus, he promised this would not be a common occurrence. That was about 8 assignments ago!

This knee-gro, after an argument on the subject, said that as his girlfriend, I am 'supposed to help' him. That if I 'call myself his girlfriend' I should be willing to do this, especially if he is sacrificing doing his schoolwork to work for pay (he is a cab driver). According to him, when he makes money I benefit, so this should not be a problem.

The straw that broke this camel's back was Rip Van Winkle. He is taking an English/Literature/Writing (I don't exactly know which) class this semester. The teacher is spending a major portion of the semester focusing on Rip Van Winkle (it's community college). I have not only discussed this story with him, I have pulled it up on the internet so he too could read it, I typed up a summary of my opinion of the story (according to him just so he could have my thoughts on paper if he needed to review again later). So you can imagine how I felt when, while enjoying a nice brisk lakefront walk on a beautiful Sunday with my girl, I get a call saying he will meet me on 39th and LSD to scoop us up so that he may give me his assignment to 'finish' for him. It was not until I reached home that I realized this dude had only written about a paragraph, if that! Are you serious! More upsetting is the fact that earlier in the day you asked me to provide you with a wake-up call for your 2-3 hour nap. So you mean, you're napping, knowing full-well you have this 3-page paper due the next day? His response, a cabby friend called un-expectantly to let him know of a conference in town that should drum up a lot of business, meaning some good money was to be made. He had planned on doing the work, but could not pass up this opportunity.

The fact that it was Sunday, my chill day, made me nearly spit fire in irritation and anger! That little accent had officially lost all cuteness. But I'm not done. The break-up occurred when he asked me to read yet another Rip Van Winkle paper that he wrote, this time at my leisure. At my leisure to me translated to mean, when I finish polishing my toes and maybe tomorrow during my lunch break. Well to him, in what I believe to be an effort to avoid saying the words I need your help, it meant proofread and make any necessary corrections for my 8am class tomorrow. I received a call bright an early. He wanted to know if I had a chance to do this. 'No', was my response. I explained how I did not know he wanted me to proof it, but rather read it to give him my thoughts on the work he had done. Furthermore, I asked him to make sure in the future to say specifically what he needed of me to ensure I actually do it. This irritated the mess out of him. In his opinion, by saying read it at my leisure, I should have picked up on the implication that he needed my help. Which he added I am so opposed to doing. This of course angered me. I told him I would try to get it done before work, but never looked at it and never called him again.

He called me the next day to see if I still needed his help with my father's will signing ceremony. I said no, that I had someone who could fill in for him. We haven't spoken since. Neither has called the other and I am here to tell you, I feel just fine. My friend's mother told me recently that my current desires to settle down, get married and have children dictates that I have little, if any, time to mess around with men who aren't on my level. When I described him to her, she said "so he is not where you are...you don't have time to waste." I told her I would give him about 3-6 months to see how I felt, to which she said that was too long. Well his ass didn't make it that far anyway. I feel completely indifferent and have not looked back since.

In conclusion, here's the silver lining. The blessing is, I just met someone new last night on my way to church. We're supposed to have dinner plans next Wednesday when he returns from his business trip. You know what they say, when one door closes, God either opens a new door, opens a window, or just tears the damn roof off!