How to Get Some, When You Got Some...Kids

I asked one of my friends to sit down and answer questions for me regarding romance, marriage and how to keep the spark alive when you've got little people in the house.  Here's what this 29-year-old mother of 2 and wife of 1 had to say about it.  A private person, she's chosen to stay anonymous, but her answers could help all of us.

I am a 29 year old wife first, a mother second, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, niece and friend to many. I’m organized, sometimes anal; but I love to laugh and have fun as well. My sisters say that I’m the type of personality “you have to get to know”. LOL. But generally speaking, I’m an easy going person. My husband is my best friend. It may seem corny but it’s the truth. I love my family life (most days-real talk). I love to help others and love, love. My husband and I have been together 13 year total, 8 years married. My oldest son is 5 years, my second son is 3 months.

You've been married for 8 years and have been with your husband for 13 years, do you celebrate Valentine's Day? What is your favorite memory?

After 13 years of being together, we generally keep it mildly sexy for Valentine’s Day- unless it’s on a weekend. If it happens to land on a week night, it’s usually a night out away from our oldest son for dinner, maybe a movie, and a little romantic time for mom and dad. If it’s on a weekend we try to plan an overnight. My favorite memory of a Valentine’s Day is our first married Valentine’s Day. He sent a dozen red roses to work. I came home; he had candles lit, some more flowers, he ran a hot bath, had some good take out and we had some good “conversation”.

You've got 2 kids, how do you keep the 'spice in your life' with so much time spent being a parent?

We developed a little something after our first son was born called “Dad’s Apartment”. We put the kids to bed and go to our basement. We shut the door (put on the baby monitor), play some music, talk for a bit, I may dance for him, we kiss etc. It’s kind of our in house opportunity to be “us” even while the children are at home. You have to make it happen no matter the setting.

You very recently had a new baby boy, congratulations! I'm told there is no sleep for another 2 years. How hard is it to stay 'focused', shall we say, and turned on when you are running on a few hours of sleep?

The lack of sleep does play a part, but that’s what they make Red Bull for. You have to make “sexy time” a priority.  A happy mom and dad makes for a happy family unit. Keeping everybody relaxed and cool is an important aspect to keeping the closeness in your marriage. Yes, everyone is running on fumes for a while, but people forget that the children grow up and leave the nest. If you put your relationship on the back burner to raise them, you will look up and they’re 18 in college, and you will have no idea who your spouse is anymore. That’s why it’s important to keep your marriage first on the priority list and to do your best to remain open and honest with each other.

Us, never married women, always hear that communication is key to a healthy and happy marriage. But let's get real, as a married woman of 8 years, how high up on your 'important things in a marriage list' would you rank passion?

Communication and passion are absolutely at the top of the list for a healthy and happy marriage. I feel they go hand in hand. Marriage is not easy every single day, but it should be most days. Let’s be honest, sex makes us feel closer to our partners. So if you’re not having sex the lack of passion in the relationship will ultimately become a ticking time bomb. That’s why sometimes you may have to dip off to the bathroom while the kids are playing and minding their own business or develop your own form of “dad’s apartment”. You have to make ways to keep the passion alive and get creative especially after the children come. 

Are you into romance or do you find that to be overrated and corny? What's the most romantic thing your husband did that that you still remember?

Romance is not overrated or corny. We do our romance thing how we do it. My husband is very thoughtful. He listens to me. He’ll buy me little things that I mention in passing when I don’t think he’s paying me any attention. He’s “kidnapped” me a few times. Meaning, he’s arranged for child care and picked me up and has the entire evening planned. That’s what I call romance and keeping the spice alive. And as far as the most romantic thing he’s ever done, I’d have to say the above mentioned Valentine’s Day is high up on my list…

BONUS QUESTION:
Whenever I talk to married women, such as yourself, there is always a 'the grass is greener' conversation. What are the top 3 things that you wish your single friends would cherish during this unattached time in their lives?

I don’t necessarily have a “grass is greener” mentality. There are different phases in life. Your adolescence, your single life, your married or in a committed relationship life, your life as a parent, your life as an empty nester etc. Some of those intertwine.  That said, I truly enjoy “my guys”. Is it hard some days? Yes. Is it easy on other days? Yes. But the short story is that you have to be prepared for wifehood and motherhood. The top three things I suggest my single friends cherish boils down to ONE thing. TIME. Enjoy your time alone. My sister recently told me that she would love to be in a relationship but doesn’t want “anyone sitting on her couch all the time”. I get that. But that is not a factor for me because my husband and have lived together so long. And honestly, we give each other our space even when we’re home together. You have to be prepare for someone “invading your space”. Especially if you’re used to having your own space. Once you become wife and a mother, your time is not your own. So while you’re looking for “the one” enjoy that anticipation time while the two of you are apart and dating, I did. That made it so much better when we were able to be together and it has the same effect now. I appreciate my man and my little guys even more now because I was prepared for that and this is the life that I wanted and the life that I love.  

Happy Valentine's Day!

  

Eye Problem

When I was growing up, a popular 'case out' phrase was: "Do you have an eye problem?  If so, you need to fix it."  That was our way of saying, "stop staring/looking at me."  I still feel that way, even today.  Except my issue now is looking people in the eye when I speak.  I can do it when they are talking, but when I speak, I look everywhere but at them.  I have been practicing lately, but it is the most uncomfortable thing to me.  I always feel like the person is burning a hole in my soul.  I mean, I can feel my retinas scorch with heat.  Also, I think in an effort to stay focused on my 'target', I unconsciously don't blink.  Which causes my eyes to get dry.  Plus, I lose my train of thought.  I look off to reach in my mind and pull up and pull out what I want or need to say.  So my eyes end up going every which-a-way, but where they need to be.  I see people looking directly in each other's eyes when they talk and feel amazed and envious all at the same time.  It is one of my goals this year- make eye contact!

I Made It!

After weeks and weeks of slacking off and making excuses, plus, last week's fiasco, I finally made it to church.  I don't know about you, but I'm the type of person who goes to church after having not been there for awhile and everything from the song to the sermon seems to speak to me personally.  Yesterday was no different.  I spent Saturday night at my girl Angie's house for a short notice tequila get together.  I stayed for 2 hours and headed home around 11pm.  I was tired and knew the morning would be rough so I laid my clothes out to reduce or eliminate any fashion meltdowns or mishaps in the morning.

The next morning, Sunday, I woke up, tired, but still before my alarm could wake me.  I got to church a bit late, but not ridiculously so.  When I walked in the choir was singing, 'I feel better, so much better, since I laid my burdens down.'  Perfect.  Later a strong and seasoned voiced woman sang out, 'I know I've been changed'.  I could write for days as to how this song fits me today.  Finally, before the sermon, the choir sang, 'Jesus Is a Rock' (not sure if that is the actual title).

The sermon focused on John 4:7-9.  We were encouraged to read verses 1-43 in our spare time as well.  If you're not familiar, it is about a Samaritan woman who is an outcast based on choices she'd made, her culture (being a Samaritan) and of course being a woman.  She is at a well drawing water and she, the outcast, has an encounter with Jesus.  Our pastor explained how God sees us beyond our history.  He didn't get caught up in her having had 5 husbands, but encouraged her to drink from His well.

So needed this!!  

The Friendship of Men

I find it funny how men can stay friends for years and years.  Any number of grown men will have friends from early grade school throughout their entire adult life.  They stay loyal and never-changing.  I made this observation watching a group of young brothas having breakfast at Valois restaurant in Hyde Park a few weeks back.They didn't say much, but they looked so comfortable and cool with one another. In fact, they came after my girlfriend and I, but left well before us.  While we gabbed and shared our breakfast, they ate and was up.

In contrast, women have ever-changing friendships.  Yes, some of us may have that 'bestie' we've had since elementary school, but for the most part, our friendships are in cycles:  your elementary, junior high and high school friends.  Our co-workers from various employers.  Our married or single friends, our church and social friends.  The mommies have their 'mommy' friends.  The list goes on and on.  As we grow and change, so do our friends.  If we step into another 'life', we outgrow certain friends and leave them behind.  We constantly yearn for friends 'like me'.  In opposition, men could have a crew that includes working class, 'professional', single, married, college graduates and even ex-con friends and they hang tough.  I am not sure which is better.  Women who seem fickle, clique-ish or choosy on one hand, but poignant and serious about sticking close to 'birds of a feather'.  Or men who hold fast and strong to loyalty, through ups and downs no matter the paycheck or marital status.  Are they missing opportunities to surround themselves by like-minded people who will push or challenge them?  Something to ponder.

Questions For My Stylist

Trina and I at the Client Appreciation Event on Monday. The photo will not upload normally, so disregard the stripes- you get the gist!

On Monday, my stylist and some other businesses she shares a floor with, had a client appreciation event. To thank clients for their continued support and to welcome new potential business, the three suites on her floor opened their doors with tons of food, desserts and drinks.  A good time was had by all.  I, in an effort to show my love and appreciation for the genius behind my hair, Trina S., decided to interview her about winter tips and anything else that came to mind.  Trina, who has been managing/doing/taming my hair since the tender age of 16, answered my questions openly and honestly.  So much so, I think everyone could benefit.


Is it important to change conditioners and/or shampoo during the winter season?
Well it is a  great idea to change products after you have been using the same product for more then 6 months.  You will find if you use the same product for too long  you will stop seeing the great results you saw in the beginning, so it is good to have at  least 3 standby professional products on hand, and more moisture, moisture, moisture, it's a staple for the winter months


Does it really matter what temperature the water you rinse and wash your hair with is? 
While shampooing your hair, warm water or extra warm (never hot) is ideal and very relaxing, however, the final rinse (with conditioner) should always be cool.  Cool water will bring out lots of shine and make the hair more manageable.  And it will seal the cuticle layer, locking in all the good stuff you just applied. 


What do you suggest as a scalp treatment during the winter season when your skin is typically drier?
I am obsessed with the Jane Carter Solution product line.  They have a lemon grass dry scalp treatment drops that you can apply straight to the scalp massaging it in, it works great for natural and relaxed hair.


You have a tight budget and you can only shop in a Sally's Beauty Supply or Walgreens. What are the 5 must-have items you pick up?
I am so glad you asked me this!  So many salons big and small like "NEW VISION hair studio" (N.V.), have always relied on retail sales.  Over the last few years, bigger companies have brought up lots of product lines and now your more exclusive products can be found in drug stores and your 'walmarts', so whenever you find a product you like at your salon, purchase it with your hair care provider to help keep the salon doors open (and help keep america beautiful!).  I love things you may already have in your pantry, like extra virgin olive oil.  Ok, if you had to go to Sallys and I do  from time to time.  I would recommend the proclaim line.  Their shampoos and conditioners work pretty good.  Most products work if they're used correctly, and is the right prescription for what your hair is in need of.


Do hair 'masks' really work, or are they just glorified deep conditioning treatments?
Conditioner masks, they work pretty good if your hair is in need of the extras (more moisture or more protein).  Most masks will penetrate  deeper, be more intense, usually these products can coat the hair and they need to be rinsed out very well.
Bonus Question: If you could ban any one hair product from store shelves, what would it be?
I would hate to ban any product line, because I might be the one to save that company one day.  I believe any product [works well], if it is the right prescription for your hair and used properly and the advice and help from your stylist is a great direction to go.   [Just] "don't  try this alone".

*If you have your own hair questions or would like to schedule an appointment with Trina, visit the salon's Facebook page. Click here