It came to me this morning. The realization that I have a problem, a real problem. It was exactly a week ago today that I was starting to slowly and with wave-like nausea, come to after an hour and a half long, anesthetic-induced sleep-imposed minor surgery. I have been instructed by my surgeon to keep physical activity light, no heavy lifting and rest for a full and quick recovery. No bootcamp, no problem, I'll just keep my diet in check. No heavy lifting, good, there is less risk of breaking a nail. Rest, well we all could use a good rest, but where, when and how long becomes the issue. I was prescribed, along with a bottle of 30 hydrocodone (vicodin), 2 full weeks of medical leave from work.
It was determined and agreed prior to surgery, by my father and I, that recovery would take place at his house. I actually like being 'home'. I sleep in my old twin-size bed. Watch my old 13" t.v., which sits on my old 80's furniture. As ridiculous as it sounds, I still have clothes here. In fact, last week I found a nightgown I have been missing. My dad cooks breakfast and we coordinate dinner, just like old times. He has not (sarcastically) requested I leave yet, so I will stay. But what occurred to me this morning, as I perused Facebook and my favorite gossip websites is, an idle mind IS the devil's playground.
Lately, I have been praying about my curt tongue, snide remarks, endless irritation of others and overall judgmental thoughts and comments. My good girlfriend Lorraine advised that I am to love everyone and not judge or persecute them for their life decisions, even if said decisions are absolutely absurd to me. We also discussed my Facebook stalking skills, or lack thereof. How I pieced together unfounded nonsense about a mutual friend based on pictures posted and my own personal issues. Recently, although we just had this conversation a mere 2 Saturdays ago, I was at it again. I know it's time for me to, as Antoine says, 'get off of Facebook'. If only for a few weeks, or at least limit my negative posts and stalking. My stalking is the worst! I start clicking on friends of friends of friends so tough, I cannot even remember how I got to the particular person's page! I know, I know. Once I went so far, I had to literally stop myself from commenting on a stranger's photo. I really did want to 'Like' it and tell him how fierce he looked...shaking my head.
My self-diagnosed craziness reminded me of a cousin of mine. She lives abroad with her military husband. She is a housewife and stay-at-home mom of 3; a full-time job, indeed. We are actually no longer friends on Facebook and have not spoken in about a year. It's sad and stupid, but I don't feel like digging up old garbage. The point is, a lot of our recent arguments and issues of late have surfaced since she started moving around and living the stay-at-home life. Also, her pregnancies seem to present a problem too, we have fallen out around child #s 2 and 3. It could be a coincidence, but I digress. My cousin has been known to stir up gossip, spread stories throughout the family and giddily tell you what negative thing another family member has said about you. She would scour MySpace (when that was popular) and Facebook and then report her disdain for the person who got pregnant before marriage, or got fat. The person who is aging poorly, the designated ghetto girls or the couple who will not last in her opinion, have all come under her fire. The reason this all sounds so familiar to me, is this type of snobbish rhetoric has graced my lips as of late. This behavior is my new norm. And why? Because like my cousin who casually took classes at whatever local college was nearby where her husband was stationed, who's daily life was broken up only by taking the kids to daycare or having lunch with her husband, but who had a hard time keeping friends (even the other military wives) because she was moving around so, I am bored!
Boredom is tricky. It's better than craziness knocking at your door, but it will drive you insane. It is easy to be behind a computer or laying down watching t.v. and be so annoyed with everyone else, I mean, what else is there to do? Sure 2 weeks off from work sounds fun initially, but if you have an injury or are limited in what you are able to do. If you have only left the house a total of four times in a week. If your conversations mainly involve the only other person in the house, sprinkled with daily progress report calls from your mother, you get bored!! I want to heal completely before going back to work. But when I'm back to normal, I assure you, I will not be nearly as interested in Facebook or petty website gossip. Instead I will return to living and having something of value to talk about. My stalking will again heavily consist of good deals and pieces to add to my wardrobe collection. That's the best prescription yet. Until then, it's almost time for the People's Court...