"I found God in myself/and I loved her/I loved her fiercely."-Lady in Red (For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf
I do believe I have found the God in me. I feel He/She has been here all along. But, there are times when I do not listen for Him. There are times when I do not seek Her. I spend so much time thinking. Thinking about absolutely nothing of value and substance. But I am a woman of substance, so this is unacceptable on many levels. According to my calculations, I have stayed home the past seven Saturday nights. Not always intentionally, but I just found myself at home instead in the streets. My home has become my personal sanctuary and I am so grateful for it.
Seven is a Holy number. God rested after creating the world on the 7th day. Jesus multiplying the seven loaves. Maybe my seven Saturdays is part of God's plan for me. I made a pledge to focus less on members of the opposite sex. Knowing my will power or lack there of, maybe this is part of my healing. Seven weeks is a significant amount of time to make a conscious change. To change 'the tapes' so to speak that replay in your head.
More importantly, these seven Saturdays and Sundays as well, not to mention, most of the weekdays, have provided me silence and space. I can not only think clearer, but I am more reflective. I can see the God in me, because of the silence I have allowed myself to experience. I do not remember being bored, or even sad. Introspective, yes, but not bored or sad. I love my friends and even thought about hanging out with them, but I did not really miss them per se. I would have hung with them if something came up, but did not have an urge to force the issue. You see, it's in my silence that I find myself. It is the silence, that allows me to hear the whispers of God.
Yesterday I completed the Hot Chocolate 5K race. My time was 58 mins, 17 sec. Considering I did not train and I am not a runner, this was an awesome feat for me. More importantly, the person who told me about the race and encouraged me to sign up, did not end up participating due to a registration discrepancy. When she first told me she would not be participating, I thought how hard it might be running alone. I thought about how I was planning on meeting up before the race and having someone to talk to afterwards. But such is life. While running with the 25,000+ people, I could not help but feel as though I was not only a part of something, but how comfortable I felt being in the midst of a bunch of people I did not know. I was not alone. I did not feel lonely. I felt strong and empowered. I especially felt good, knowing I had gotten myself there and found my way back home without having anyone cheer me on, or drop me off or pick me up. I was my own cheerleader. I provided my own mode of transportation. And I hosted my own post race 'festivities' (I treated myself to a cozy night at home).
My faith has brought me thus far, and my faith will continue to move me to a better plateau. My faith that everything will be alright, that I'm okay by myself. I have faith that I am not missing anything significant. It is faith that pleases the Lord. I am at peace because I know what He has allowed me to experience previously. Today my pastor's sermon spoke on walking by faith, not by sight. Although I am blind to the future, my past gives me a point of reference to sustain me until my future becomes my present.
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6