She wants to lead the glamorous life!

Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

How to Successfully Plan Time with Your Girlfriends When You've Got Shit to Do


Spending time with your friends is an integral part of living a well-rounded life. With all the racial and violent mess going on, it makes me feel extremely battle fatigued. My good friends give me peace in an uncertain world. Busy schedules, family obligations, work and the time needed to decompress from it all, make scheduling (and keeping) girlfriend dates difficult. So here are some tips for staying committed to your friends, when you got so much shit to do.

Make the damn plans. This is the first suggestion, because hell, it's the obvious one. But if it were easy, you wouldn't be reading this. Instead of thing about making plans, or constantly saying "yeah girl, we need to get together", actually make the plans. In fact, when you run into that girlfriend you haven't hung out with in a while or receive the holiday or birthday text, just make the plans then. Pivot from, "yes, we should" to "what's your schedule like next week?" Lock in a date and time then. The likelihood of you going on with your day and making the plans is slim, if not, you would have already hung out with the person. S go ahead and put something on the calendar.

Plan activities on weekdays. We tend to plan dates on the weekends, but the problem is we also schedule everything else on the weekends as well- laundry, working out grocery shopping romantic dates, everything. If you have kids, forget about it. Your weekend is shot! So why not plan to meet up with your girl after work? Meet at a convenient location for both parties. If one, or both of you, work in your city's business district, where there tends to be bars and restaurants, why commute one extra day during the weekend to a place you already spend at least five days of each week anyway?

Don't just meet for food and drinks. Pick an activity you both will enjoy and something you really want to do. This is a great way to kill two birds with one stone. That art exhibit you've been wanting to see? Go...with you girl! It's easy to get in the habit of eating and drinking for every get-together, but there are cheaper and healthier ways to spend time. How many of us are trying to eat healthier? And how many of us let all that healthy stuff fall by the waist-side when we get around our friends? I know I am guilty of it. So think of things to do that involve pulling away from the table or bar. In fact, go to an exercise class together or take a long walk or jog. It's simple and cheap.

Phone calls count. Call your girlfriends! Actually pick up the phone and call your friends. This is not the same as hanging out in person obviously, but we spend so much time texting and e-mailing that we avoid calling each other. I know I am dating myself, but I remember marathon phone conversations that lasted and lasted, sometimes to the wee hours of the morning. These days, I am an early bird, who is more likely to call you before 8am, but I enjoy catching up with my friends and hearing their voices and real, audible laughter, not just seeing a typed 'LOL'. This is especially helpful for long distance girlfriends. I have had 3 hour-long conversations that consisted of laughter, cursing, gossip, crying and prayer. Talk to your friends. That's the best tenet of friendship- the stimulating conversation.

Entertain at home. This could have definitely been included with No. 3, but I think this is so important it is a stand-alone tip. When you are a woman of a certain age (I like saying that, because, really what does it mean?), i.e. a grown woman, your home, whether it be an apartment, house, owned, rented, leased, sub-leased, whatever, should be your personal sanctuary. To me, part of creating a sanctuary for yourself, is having a living space that is inviting to others. Not all others, but the select few you enjoy having around. This does not mean you have to have a fully furnished home, or that you have to live lavishly. What this means is you should have the essentials for entertaining:  at least 4 wine glasses, a large serving bowl (they are just useful as hell), ice on hand at all times and music. It is always good to keep one adult beverage stocked as part of your cocktail started kit or in case of emergencies. If your cabinets are dry, let your guests know so they can bring something. Put music on, or a good show and just chill. Some of my best times are just me at one of friends' home hanging out, no agenda, no plans. Utilize your (their) home. Note:  this means your home needs to always be, not necessarily "company ready", but good friends ready. It doesn't have to be spotless, but comfortable for you and them. You shouldn't have to clean your entire house every time your girl comes over.

Stop being a flake! This the last time and it's just important as No. 1. Stop making, then breaking plans. It's annoying and no one benefits from it. Reduce arbitrarily saying, "year, what are you doing next week?", then never following up next week. Your friends have their own lives and don't need you jerking their time around. They may have moved some plans around for you and to cancel it because of some random shit or ridiculous reason, (or because you're being lazy) is not cool. Also, if you don't want to meet or do not have the time, make that clear, or stop making empty promises and plans.

Now go and set up a date with your homegirl! Nourish good friendships, they're important to your well-being, and feed your soul.

Hugs!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Can I Get a Ride?


My car was recently out of commission.  I needed brake pads, rotors and calipers- I think, I'm not really sure what that all means, except my car was smelling and loud as hell when I drove it.  Apparently, my calipers (or was it my rotors?) locked and caused my car to feel like I was driving with the emergency brake on.  I was quoted a price for the parts and service and scheduled an appointment for this past Monday.  The cost caught me a bit off guard and I wasn't prepared to pay when I first got the diagnosis.  So for about a month, my car sat in my building's parking lot, un-driven.  For what had been at times a very inconvenient month, I schlepped through the city on bus, train or on the passenger side of whoever was willing to drive me wherever.  The rest of the time I spent in the house catching up on my DVR recordings (I had 'Tonight Show' episodes that dated back to the end of summer), cooking, eating and reading.  I had not been to the gym; I didn't just tool around town.  When I grocery shopped, it's my mom who usually took me.  Or my good girlfriend and neighbor would give me a lift on her way to work, and I rode the bus back when done.


Besides my car being out of commission, my budget has been hard to resuscitate as well.  Funds are low.  Through it all, I didn't complain, but rather exercised truth-telling and humility.  Asking for a ride to or from my mom's house is not always easy.  Informing your beloved book club that, although you would love to, you're unable to meet the group at Fig & Olive for the next meeting, but instead could host a brunch potluck at your place, is not fun.  It took me several days to muster the energy and courage to do so.  Yes, taking the bus and train everywhere, even on the weekends (I'm a public transportation commuter for work during the week) can give you that New York feel.  I think of all my New York friends who hop on and off subway trains to go to parties, the movies, meet friends for dinner, etc. and I think, 'You're being a baby.'  But I'm a South Side Chicagoan, where everything is spread out and not walking distance.  Plus, I am spoiled by organic, natural and specialty foods and products.  I find myself having a hard time buying my meats, cheeses and poultry anywhere other than Whole Foods or Trader Joe's.  I read labels obsessively sometimes, making it hard for me to just shop at any grocer in the neighborhood.  What the fuck is high-fructose corn syrup anyway?!

All of this put me in the position to have to ask for help and share my truth.  It tested my friendships and relationships with others.  I had to humble myself and say 'I need help'.  I hated it, but loved it at the same time.  Although I hated doing it, I love that people do care enough to help.  And it releases me from the unattainable goal of being a superwoman.  I stood blindfolded so to speak with courage, as I awaited someone's answer.  Yes or No- it seems simple enough, yet it was a real challenge.  But challenges are meant to be met, right?

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

10 Things I Learned (or were reiterated) in the Year 2013





          1.   Friends come and go…
It sounds sad to say, because friendship is such an important part of most of our lives.  The fraternity, Omega Psi Phi, has the motto “friendship is essential to the soul.”  And I think whomever came up with that motto was on to something.  Friendship is essential.  Friends are the family you get to choose.  The difference, even if you decide not to associate with family, is that they are still your family.  Friendships can evolve and change, or rather the people within the friendships can evolve and change.  No matter how many good times you have with a person, those experiences do not always result in a happy future.  Whether I released or I was released from friendships, I made a point of learning from the experiences and cherishing the good times.  But I also clung tightly and fiercely to those positive and healthy relationships that were stable and genuine.  You will never know who your friends are only in good times.  You can never truly understand what it takes to make a friendship work by partying and socializing with people.  The best barometer of a quality friendship is your tough times- the times when you both have misunderstandings or get on each other’s last damn nerves.  That is how a good and solid friendship is measured.  
2.   It is important to allow people an out or a ‘no’…
Why?  Because you want others to give you ‘outs’.  Once I became what I consider a grown woman, I started taking my free time more serious.  I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.  So, when I host an event (lately I have been averaging three a year), I have learned that everyone on my invite list will not and cannot show up.  Whatever the reason or excuse, I cannot worry about it.  There have been people whom I make sure I support and attend any and everything they invite me to, in order to show my support, but when my events roll around there are conflicts with schedules, there are uninterested replies, there is lack of time management.  One good girlfriend, whom I love, plainly said she could find better things to do for three hours than come to my vision board party.  Ouch!  (Love you April!)  You know what?  I still love them all.  I know how important it is to say ‘no’ sometimes.  I know how special free time is.  I also know as women, especially, we should not guilt each other into doing things we wish not to do.  Society does enough of that already.  This past weekend I hosted a burning bowl ceremony (you write on a piece of paper what you want to rid yourself of in the new year to “burn” and on a separate sheet, what you would like to replace those things with instead, to be revisited several months in the future) at my home where 11 people were scheduled to show up, but even an hour into the event I was receiving cancellations.  No worries.  The three women who did show up and myself had a wonderful time.  My friends commented on how much more comfortable they felt disclosing their true feelings and goals with the small group.  Everyone who should have been there or needed to be there was there.  I held no hard feelings towards those who could not make it.
3.   I like the new Beyonce album...
I have had some really great discussions with some friends shortly after it came out about the release, the content, the marketing, her message (if any) and I came to the conclusion that I just like the album.  I like her being a bit raunch.  I like her continuing to express that she is indeed a grown ass woman.  It is the same reason I love Ledisi’s sexy new look, album cover and video for “I Blame You”.  I like seeing women evolving!  I like the growth process of womanhood.  I like the many facets of this womanhood.  I like owning my own sexuality and applaud other women for welcoming and exploring theirs.  
4.   I move slow...
Let my mom tell it, I have always been slow:  getting dressed, cleaning up, arriving to parties.  I can finally admit that she is right.  What does a good off day look like to me?  Taking my time in the morning.  Easing into my outfit.  Playing music, eating a bit and lounging in between.  I get up everyday at a certain time so that I can be at my gig based on someone else’s rules.  On my off days, I like to do as I please as slow as I please.
5.   Hosting is fun and fulfilling...
I am more comfortable at it and can take my time and enjoy myself in the process.  Although the previously mentioned Burning Bowl event was mentally constructed in my mind, I got up that same morning, decided upon what was needed and purchased everything accordingly.  Then after eating and relaxing while watching T.V., I gave myself two hours to put everything together.  I was stress-free and enjoyed the process.  I also have been noticing that I would consider myself a pretty good, if not good, host.  I have learned that it does not take much for an event to be a success- just good people.  Good food and drinks do not hurt either!  But even with that, I make everything a joint effort.  I am a fan of the potluck.  I come up with my menu and ask if people can bring things that would compliment what I was preparing.  It makes it easier for me, plus my guests do not have to worry about what to bring.  It is fulfilling to allow people into your home and serve them and enjoy them in your space.  I also love when people like my cooking.  When I was little my step mother used to watch me eat and ask me over and over if I thought it was good.  It annoyed me at the time, because I could never say ‘yes’ enough.  But now I fully understand.  You want people to like your cooking, your food selection, your drinks.  It matters and it feels good when they do. 
6.   I have finally found my perfect bra...
It is black.  It has detachable straps (I prefer it strapless).  It is Calvin Klein.  It was purchased at Nordstrom.  It is amazing!  I do not wash it as much as I would normally because I cannot stop wearing it!  
7.   There is no need to “should” people...
I have learned from my Iyanla Vanzant daily StimuMail, that there is no need to waste time “should-ing” people.  That is when you say, “they should have done this” or “you should have done that”.  Everyone does exactly what they are meant to do to bring you, me and them to the place where they are supposed to be.  In other words, everything does happen for a reason, no matter how stupid and inconsiderate we think that reason is.  What is done is done and I must not react to the individuals, rather respond based on my core values.  I cannot control any other human, but myself.  So whatever should have been done, is not my concern.  My concern and my responsibility, regardless, is to move forward despite what “should have” been. 
8.   I gained weight, and I was okay with it...
I typically gain winter weight.  But this year after doing a few cleanses and dropping pounds by being conscious of what I ate, I let the cards, or rather, the fat fall as it may.  I exercised a bit on a regular basis leading up to November.  Then I decided to sign up for my fitness center’s 2014 Bikini Challenge.  Which meant, I decided to stop working out all together this month and eat as I wished.  I have to admit, I have enjoyed the process.  As juicy as I have gotten, I felt sexy and confident in my skin.  I giggled as I looked at my stomach rolls while getting dressed.  I silently shook my head as I heard the inner thighs of my pants rub together.  I threw my hands up when zippers busted and certain dresses would involve me becoming a contortionist in order to get in them.  Again, I enjoyed it!  I did not throw any clothes away, but I did not dare buy any new clothes either.  I know these 15 extra LBs will be gone by March and I type that with confidence.  So yes, I will indulge in the rest of this pound cake.  Why of course I will take bacon and a fried egg on that burger- don’t forget the cheese!  I am comfortable with the skin I am in, and after a clumsy breakup which caused me to doubt myself and lose some of my teflon self-esteem, that means a lot!  And it took a lot for me to get there.  Catch me in 2014, bet I’ll be tight.
9.   Forgiveness is necessary for forward movement...
Forgiveness allows growth and new grounds to be broken.  Forgiveness of others releases you from being connected to people through your anger and hurt.  To forgive is to live free.  To let go of the past and truly embrace the present.  I had to forgive a number of people this year.  Not always verbally to them directly, but usually through my silent prayers.  I had to pray through the hurt, the betrayal and confusion I felt others had inflicted on me.  I needed to be free of the individual’s or the particular situation’s hold of me.  After forgiving this person for not being upfront and honest and for what I considered wasting my time.  And forgiving that person for talking about me behind my back and rallying others to do the same.  Then forgiving those who I felt created unnecessarily hostile environments or were just plain rude.  And those who just believed the lies of others and abandoned me.  After all of that forgiveness, I took time and wholeheartedly forgave MYSELFThat, I found, was the ultimate act of forgiveness.  Forgiving myself for the hurts and the pains that I played a part in and considered myself responsible for having happened.  I forgave myself for not being more thoughtful or cautious when entering some relationships.  I forgave myself for not taking time to tap into what I was actually feeling when those feelings arose instead of just going with my gut which has been off since the ‘90s!  I forgave myself for my role in some of the shenanigans I encountered.  I forgave myself in order to embrace myself fully.
10.  I have to be gentle with myself...
This kind of goes hand-in-hand with all of the above.  I have tried my darndest to learn and act on this lesson.  It ain’t easy!  But it is necessary for my well-being.  I am not a failure.  Although I am not always right, I am not always wrong either.  Some things that look like mess-ups or mistakes are actually blessings.  I am good.  I am enough.  I am ok.  If for no other reason than because of Who created me.  I have been working hard to change the “tapes” in my head that have me doubting or criticizing myself.  The small voice that always has a harsh comment whenever an obstacle presents itself or things do not go according to plan, has been slowly substituted with words of encouragement or sometimes just silence.  I am working on just being.  Taking life and it’s blows as they come and understanding the importance of each in retrospect.  
Happy New Year!!  What are your best lessons learned 2013?  

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Too Grown

Yesterday I returned from a trip to D.C.  I flew in on Saturday for my Best Friend's Trip 2013, which my best friend (hence the title) Antoine and I do each year.  We chose D.C. to catch the highly anticipated Mrs. Carter Tour starring BeyoncĂ©.  Neither of us had seen her prior and decided the trip would kill two birds with one stone.  Although we both frequent live performances, our distance and schedules never permit us to see any major concerts together and we could finally settle on a trip destination for 2013.  A win-win situation.

The plan was set.  Concert and plane tickets were purchased.  What I realized was, unlike previous trips from years prior, this vacation did not involve us "kickin' it" hard.  There was no club-hopping.  Instead we caught a great happy hour at a tapas restaurant.  Where previously we may have chugged tequila and vodka drinks, we opted instead for pitchers of sangria with co-workers and new friends.  In the past I would have stressed a shopping excursion.  This year, our days were spent visiting the recently erected Martin Luther King, Jr. memorial and the Rosa Parks statue located in Statuary Hall in the Capitol.  We did not wear our feet out dancing all night.  The soreness came from walking from the Smithsonian's African Art and American History museums to the National Archives building where we viewed everything from Michelle Obama's first inauguration ball gown to the original Constitution.  We both ended up seeing Beyonce separately prior to our trip and were not dying to see the show again.  So on our last night, we sold our concert tickets on Craig's List and bought $4 lawn seats at Vienna, Virginia's Wolf Trap National Park for Performing Arts to see the Aspen Santa Fe Ballet.

The trip, as always was a success.  We spent less money than usual (neither spending more that $200) and agreed we both had an amazing time.  You can map our maturity through our trips and vacations.  They have become less about getting 'tow up' and more about bonding, relaxing, getting away and learning.  Yes, things have definitely changed!


Monday, July 8, 2013

Disbanded

The creator has disbanded this group...

This is the text message I received two Thursday nights ago.  For about a year, I was part of a group text started by a friend.  The group consisted of high friends I became reacquainted with in 2010.  We had connected on Facebook and started hanging out together.  Whether at someone's house for the holiday or while celebrating a birthday, we always had fun.  For all intents and purposes, the group was solid- or so I thought.  Fast forward to last November, around the Thanksgiving holiday.  I noticed that one of the friends had de-friended me on Facebook.  That was odd.  I only knew because I had tried to tag this person in a comment to no avail.  When I went to the person's Facebook page, I was virtually given the long arm- the site asking if I knew this person.  I thought I did.  Apparently I did not. 

I immediately called this girl, who did not answer, but instead texted me stating that she was on another call and would call me back.  She never did.  I knew something was wrong.  Unfortunately, we as a society have become so ingrained and dependent on social media, that you can safely take social cues from your interactions or lack thereof on social juggernauts like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and such.  I knew that this individual whom I had hung out with in person both in the group or separately on our own, was sending me a major message:  We are no longer friends.  I could easily go through the timeline of awkward events that solidified this truth, but I do not want to give anyone undue credit for a very small sub-chapter in my life.  That being said, when I confronted the person about the unfriending, she, in giving me her reasons for dissolving our friendship in a very passive-aggressive way, said that she did not want to "be a shit starter" nor did she want to upset the group by saying anything to the others.  I, being the ever-loyal-sometimes-to-a-fault type of person that I am, followed her lead and decided not to mention anything to the other girls either.  With the exception of a very vague, non-descript, yet, in context re-telling of a small portion of the entire conversation with no names mentioned to exactly one person, I have, to this day not spoken a word about the incident to anyone else within the group.  My side of the story has not been provided.  I have not discussed with anyone my thoughts and feelings about the situation.  Or the details involved.  From the bizarre and reduced interactions, whether on social media or via personal/direct texts and phone calls, I have the feeling I was the only one who kept up her end of the deal.

Overall, my role and positive position in the group's dynamic has changed.  This obvious fact has not made me lose any sleep, but it has caused a bit of anxiety whenever I would receive a text from the group.  I wanted to pull away and no longer interact with the girl who had initiated all of this.  I hate to be uncomfortable and hide my true feelings in an effort to be the "bigger person".  I would rather disassociate myself from certain activities.  Like recently a get-together that was to take place at a restaurant, had been moved at the last minute to the girl's house.  How crazy would that be?  Hey, I know you don't like me, but I decided to show up anyway.  What should I bring- wine?  Um, no.  Since my gut tells me I have been discussed, I am confused as to how this became a suitable option anyway.  If everyone wants to keep the peace.  Why not host events in neutral settings?  Maybe that's me just overthinking things with my analytical self.  I do still have ongoing and positive contact with one of the girls.  For that, I am grateful.  She has not changed and I am appreciative. 

Which brings me to that final group text message.  It gave me a peaceful, internal giggle.  I thought it fitting that the term "creator" was used.  Sometimes, God will rock the boat to get your attention, to move you in a different direction.  Because He does not come down physically to talk to us and hand feed us His plan, we have to listen and listen carefully.  I, in an effort to flex my loyal friendship skills, trying to build upon relationships, which maybe should have stayed more casual, missed key early warnings.  I can look back on conversations with the individual and think, that was a red flagThat should have been your sign that this was not going to end well.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.  At the time, what I thought were little quirks, I now know were future problems being formed.  Molding resentment towards me for things that are less about me and more about her.  But that text though.  The group has indeed disbanded.  I still enjoy hanging out with that one remaining friend, but I would not be surprised if I do not receive invites to events from the others.  I am confident in saying I do not believe I have done anything intentional to alienate the group, but at this time, it seems we have run our course as friends. 

When I told another girlfriend the complete story, she said, "yeah, you've been iced out."  She continued with a shrug, "besides going to high school with these people, what else do you have in common with them?"  Not much, if anything.  She went on to share some of her own woes with friends who did not stand the test of time.  Friendships can be difficult; they should not be, but they can.  Friendships with women can be even more complicated.  You mix in the insecurities a lot of us deal with that come with trying to be perfect, polite or humble at all costs, and you have the recipe for a troublesome friendship.  I like meeting new people and gaining new friends, but situations like this remind me to tread lightly and keep my eyes open.  Keeping your friend list short and tight seems like the best answer, but even that can be a bit non-progressive when you think about it.  How do you grow, if you have the same group of individuals as friends and never look outside of your circle to let others in your world? 

Whatever the case, I have learned a real strong lesson about taking time, gaining trust and what true friendship really means.  It is not fickle.  Tell me you all did not stop talking to me because someone else stopped talking to me.  It is not random.  I thought a genuine friendship was built, however, it must not have been important enough for you to tell me your feelings in person or at least over the phone.  You just deleted me- via Facebook no less.  It can only thrive if both parties are on the same level mentally and emotionally.  When someone tells you they are crazy, please believe them.  Are there any groups or friendships that you are part of that need to be disbanded?  Do tell.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Friendship Expert

This morning I read an article entitled Four Ways to Avoid Unnecessary Friendship Drama on Essence.com.  I thought it was honest and poignant, unlike many articles about friendship.  The article, written by Charli Penn, featured friendship expert (I did not know such a thing existed formerly) Shasta Nelson who authored the book Friendships Don't Just Happen!.  Of the four ways listed, the first one struck a chord immediately.  The question posed was How can I show up a little more thoughtfully?  In her answer, Nelson asks:  "she may be jealous, and we don’t want to play smaller to avoid her jealousy, but could we affirm her more?"  POW! 

I read that quote over and over and over again.  It made me think of something my girlfriend Michele told me years ago.  I was meeting up with some friends I had known for a long time, but had only recently started hanging out with.  I wanted to look nice (that's just how I am), but was trying not to shine too much.  The article of clothing in question was my floor-length, fur-trimmed, shearling coat equipped with a big dramatic Little Red Riding Hood-esque hood and a rhinestone embellished tied closure.  I was hanging with Michele before the get-together and was telling her how I had apprehensions about wearing the coat, especially wearing it and stepping out of my "luxury" vehicle.  I did not know what message I would be sending and thought it best to play it down a bit with a more sensible and casual coat.  Michele, whom I first met when I was 19 and she was too grown to invite me to any of her parties or functions with her other grown-ass friends, said this:  "if they're your friends they will accept you just the way you are.  Fur coat and all." 

When I read the article today, I had an aha moment that reverberated from the past.  I no longer want to play smaller to avoid someone else's jealousy.  Although I already try to make a point of doing this, I will consciously affirm my friends more.  If we are friends, let's be that and accept each other, not just flaws and all, but blessings, good attributes and all.  Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately.  Mainly because of some recent shifts in my friendship-sphere.  I say shifts because I cannot fully point them out nor define them definitely as problems, but something is amiss.  My instinct is to look inward, which is always important, but that can be faulty in terms of not taking into account the other party's issue(s).  I cannot think of a better bond than the one between womenfolk.  However, with that bond, as with any other bond, insecurities can erupt.  I want to celebrate my girlfriends and have that love be reciprocated.  If I cannot be all of me around my friends, than with whom can I be myself?  Michele, as usual, was right.  Maybe she should be a friendship expert.





Monday, April 1, 2013

Mirror Mirror

Have you even known someone who, let's say, seems to mirror you?  I don't want to use the term, copy or imitate.  I think, "mirror" is a better way of describing it.  I know someone who seems, and I could be wrong or paranoid, but I think not, to mirror me.  I can point to at least three occasions when she has done things very similiar to myself.  Maybe it was a purchase.  Or idea that seems to spring up very close after the revealing of mine.  Sometimes it's the humor I use in a Facebook post that a week later will be used by her.  Whatever it is, I get this eery feeling that she is, "flattering me".  As the saying goes, imitation is the best form of flattery.  But sometimes, I wonder.  Especially if the person does not give credit where it's due.  I have been known to tell friends that I am inspired by something they have done, whether it's their style, a place they have visited or a particular action they take.  I will even go as far as let them know that I plan on copying them, by following in their footsteps.  It seems to go over well.  No one really cares, but if I did the exact same thing as this particular person, and acted like it was just another day, I think I would feel weird.  Again, maybe I am just being paranoid.  I know I cannot be the only one that this happens to, it may just be an uncomfortable thing to discuss.  I mean, it comes across conceited to think that a specific idea is solely yours.  How special must you feel about yourself to believe someone is copying your actions?  With that said though, my inner 8 year old self says, "yeah, I still think she is straight up copying".  Instead of being irritated, I will settle on just being flattered. 

Thursday, January 31, 2013

ImMACulate Love




This was originally supposed to be a story about music and music alone.  But it soon became apparent that the undisputable theme was love and relationships.

Casual encounters and good first dates.  I first met Dee Jay Alicia a few days shy of exactly one year ago.  I was enjoying a first date with my now boyfriend, also a DJ (Jackie Moon) at the Time Out Lounge, on the South Side of Chicago.  It was Soulfisticated’s weekly House music night, a Tuesday to be exact.  As we talked over drinks, this woman entered.  She seemed to know everyone.  It was Alicia.  She greeted us with a 100 Watt smile.  If you have ever seen Alicia out, you have experienced this smile.  I remember thinking; this woman is different from others.  As a woman it is not uncommon to initially encounter not so friendly women.  We can be hard on one another.  Sizing up our “opponent” with a chilled demeanor, women can be a bit tough towards other women.  This was not the case with Alicia.  She was warm and inviting.  My date raved about her and how quickly she had embraced him.  This has been my experience with Alicia.  She is a good woman.

Meeting Mickey Calvin is another story, in that I cannot remember meeting him at all.  It was after Alicia, I can say for a fact, but that’s about it.  He is one of those people you just know.  The details are sketchy as to when we were initially introduced.  What I can say is the name Mickey Calvin is synonymous with the word Energy.  When I have seen Mickey at a party, he is dancing.  He is the type of guy who wears sunglasses inside.  Yet, it never seems obnoxious with him.  If he is DJing, he is moving more.  Watching Mickey Calvin spin, there is no doubt that he enjoys it.  Music moves him.

Add a little friendship and compatibility.  It is the humanity of both Dee Jay Alicia and Mickey Calvin that drives this story.  It is that same humanity that makes them fan favorites.  Friendship and respect for each other’s ability is what brought them together.  Love of “the music” is what fueled their latest venture- MAC Productions.  I sat down with the two of them in Alicia’s home, the Sunday before Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the historical second term inauguration of President Obama.  It was a lazy day for me and admittedly I wanted to spend my evening on the couch vegging out, watching Netflix.  I woke up early and sent Alicia an instant message via Facebook confirming our interview.  She replied several hours later (waking from a long night after a gig that went well into the morning).  Regretfully, she would have to postpone.  She was doing an internet radio show that afternoon and asked if I wanted to meet her there.  I didn’t.  I wanted to reschedule and just when it seemed she was falling prey to my evil plan, I got her next message.  She was on the phone with Mickey; he said let’s go ahead and do it today.  Be at her house at 6pm.  Damn.

That is what makes their partnership golden.  Where Alicia may want to take the laid back approach, skillfully handling you with her easygoing charm, not trying to ruffle feathers, Mickey likes to, in his words, “kick in the door.”  MAC Productions came to be in August of 2012.  Although less than a year old, the duo has cranked out 16 new edits, and currently working on the final touches of three more.  They credit Albeton Live, a software program for creating, producing and performing music, for the creation of MAC Productions.  At first the partnership was a bit challenging, until they discovered the balance between the skill set of each.  With an MBA under her belt, Alicia brings business savvy and marketing to the table.  Mickey- has a managerial style that keeps the two focused, history and a knack for networking.  With a combined 40 plus years of working in this industry; both bring experience.

What makes this pair special is that they absolutely admire each other.  Mickey enjoys hearing Alicia play.  “Other DJs don’t take chances and opportunity, Alicia does.”  He says part of the winning formula is they share the same focus.  But this does not exempt them from disagreements.  “We have debates, she calls them arguments,” says Mickey.  The “magic” happens as a result of their mutual respect for each other.  That respect was obvious during this interview.  Each takes their turn talking, neither eager to step on the other’s toes.  There is an underlying agreement that shadows the room.  Alicia adds, “he appreciates what I do musically, my DJ style.”  Of Mickey’s DJing, Alicia says, “it’s almost like he’s singing to you.  I like more raw beats, Afro beats, he’s more melodic.”  That is their simple recipe for editing:  Alicia starts with a heavy beat, and then hands it over to Mickey for the finishing effects.  They usually work separately; trust being the key.  “My partner has drive.  If I pass the track off, she does her thing and it will be complete.  I work well with someone with the same drive as mine,” says Mickey of this process.  “[We both bring] 110%”.  Alicia has tried other partners in the past, but always felt they wanted to “bottle my lightening.  Mickey focuses my energy where it’s most effective.”  She feels her personality “gels well” with Mickey’s and takes comfort in the fact that he does not take offense to “my suggestions”.

Here’s the start of something special.  Mickey started collecting music sometime around 1983 or 1984, but did not go pro until 1990.  He has always played House music, but would dabble with different genres for certain gigs and people.  His dad bought him his first set of turntables, but the DJing was something he was just good at, it was not planned.  It was while working for Loop Records from 1991 to about 1994 that he met and began working closely with LiL John, his mentor, and Freddie Bain.  Both John and Bain spun at Red Dog; Mickey joined them a couple of years later.  Red Dog allowed him to hone his DJing and networking skills.

Alicia’s DJing career began with the Chicago Steppers community, 17 years ago.  She found the same intensity she sees with Househeads.  The only difference being where that intensity is focused.  For steppers, there were impassioned dance contests.  The House community is simply intense with the music.  You have seen them, eyes closed, carried away by the sound- hypnotic head nod and body bounce that seems to be uncontrollable.  For Alicia, feeding that insatiable craving of the music lovers can be “a lot of pressure”.  Mickey agrees, the “pressure comes from focusing on your crowd.”  Alicia chimes in, “trying to satisfy them”.  Mickey goes on to explain the challenge a DJ faces when trying to introduce new music to a crowd that could include everyone from other DJs, seasoned Househeads and newbies who just came out to hear some of their favorite party anthems and have a drink and a good time.  “Some people”, he says, “haven’t heard ‘Hey Hey’ (Dennis Ferrer’s 2010 hit single) but about two times.  You have to respect that.” 

Enter the Licorice Lounge.  Alicia, with pride in her voice, introduces MAC Productions’ newest venture:  building a weekly party on Thursdays at the Licorice Lounge.  An unassuming, quaint little (emphasis on little) space, the Licorice has become a hotspot for those on the verge of wrapping up their 9 to 5 work week with heavy-thumping, soul inspiring music.  The atmosphere is comparable to the 1980s hit show Cheers.  In the short span of two visits, you will become familiar with just about everyone in this South Side lounge.  For fans who are followers of the music or even the unbreakable fans of Alicia and Mickey, Thursdays at the Licorice are like weekly family and friend reunions.  The pair likes it this way.  Mickey feels it’s important to “make ourselves attainable.”  The family atmosphere is maintained because both make a point to greet patrons at the door.  You can expect to sit next to either at the bar, or be pulled to the makeshift dance floor at any given time.  The focus is not on money, rather everyone (themselves included) having a good time.  A fun night is a successful night.  Mickey’s philosophy is:  “[if you] give a good product; you’re going to get paid”.  Luckily for the Licorice Lounge owner, they have.  I remember the first time I walked in the Licorice Lounge door for Tasty House Thursdays.  I could count the people on one hand- that’s including the bartender and DJ.  In just a few short months, it has become the place to be every Thursday night- and it’s still growing.  Just last week, I had to post up against a wall because seating at the bar and elsewhere were all taken.

MAC Productions, like a heat seeking missile, is quietly building an unshakable following.  It is a steady uphill climb, riddled with many traps.  The first and most critical is what some would call the finicky tastes of the House community, in particular the Chicago House community.  They have an unbridled need to dance, and they will not settle for just anyone giving themselves the title of DJ.  You have to earn it.  Furthermore, the House community is indeed a community.  Mickey jokingly compares them to Jehovah’s Witnesses, “you can be banned and blackballed.”  Within this network of fans and DJs alike are cliques, elders and even a mayor.  There are breakups and makeups, like with any family.  Major events like the annual Chosen Few picnic brings everyone together.  Alicia likens it to “Christmas dinner”.  Under the “elders” everyone is on their best behavior. 

The second and perhaps most obvious challenge is presented when Alicia enters the room.  Being a woman DJ, even in 2013, still poses a problem.  “[It’s] the best of both worlds.  You may be chosen because you’re a female”, she says.  But in more cases than not, she still feels she has to prove herself, “every time”.  When I ask who it is she has to prove herself to the most:  male DJs, partygoers or female DJs, she nearly cuts me off, replying, “all of them”.  She admits to having an “intense desire” to silence the naysayers.  Regardless of her skills and finesse, “it’s [still] a boys club, [you can be] ten times as good.” 

Finally, there is the issue of vinyl verses CDs verses Serato (digital DJing software).  Alicia, who has been using Serato for two years and admits that it will “spoil you”, recalls a time in the not-so-distant past where a normal gig required her lugging up to nine crates of vinyl just to perform.  But she clarifies, “I’m not dependent on it.”  Mickey adds, “people see me as a ‘new cat’, [but] you can tell the difference when I play.”  He goes on to muse, “I’ve developed a craft.”  A “club DJ”, he loves remixing the record while playing live, “on the fly”.


They lived happily ever after.  Alicia makes a point not to focus on the negative.  “They talked about Jesus.”   Instead, she focuses on doing “what makes me happy.”  With all of the hard work that is involved, I asked, what do you enjoy most? Alicia quickly answers, “all of it, physically; it’s everything.”  Mickey, delving deeper, replies, “I enjoy the way I execute.  The way I play.”  Both agree there is a definite love of the music, the fans and the instant unmistakable reaction they receive from the crowd.  Innocently, I follow-up with, Is it a power trip?  To which Alicia makes it clear, “DJs are servants.  What power do you have if no one is there to hear you?”  Momentarily in their own world, they start comparing stories and discuss Alicia “black[ing] out, like the Matrix”.  Mickey confesses he does not like being bothered when he plays, “I try to zone [out]”.

With their new MAC Productions editing business, they admit it’s hard to listen to music in the same way as before.  The only difference now is, anything they don’t like, they just change it.  One thing that has not changed is their understanding of business and its importance in the music industry.  “Business is business”, says Alicia.  “You can have a passion in the basement- it’s all personality.  I just play records.  Our personality is an asset to what we do.”  There is an obvious abundant amount of love that goes into what they do. Mickey and Alicia equally acknowledge their fans and followers, who in most cases tip a fine line into friendship, as one of their main motivation.  Alicia’s Muffins go as far as to bring food and gifts such as boots and perfume, to leaving encouraging messages on any number of her Facebook pages.  It is hard to give up when “other people believe in you,” says Mickey.

The work is hard, they both admit, “I have a breakdown every day,” says Alicia.  But doesn’t every love story have its ups and downs?  The future for MAC Productions looks bright.  This year they hope to find their edits frequently included on Traxsource and other sites featuring downloadable underground House and Electronic music.  Further down the line Alicia hopes to focus less on DJing and more on production.  Mickey, casually and very confident, confides, “I would love to win a Grammy.”  To which Alicia replies, “Mickey thinks big.  I’m more [of] if it happens, it happens.”  At the rate their going, why wouldn’t it?

Five Questions for Mickey Calvin and Alicia

1.  What’s something few people know/understand about making a great edit?
Dee Jay Alicia:  Quantization.  Both start laughing. 
Mickey Calvin:  A song has a beginning, middle and end.

2.  I consider myself a novice to the house world.  What five songs will teach me everything I need to know about the music/culture?

A:  You have to go in eras.
                -Jingo- “I’ll House You”
                -Donna Summer- “I Feel Love”
                -Lil’ Louis- “’Video Crash”
M:  You have to have the steps.  House is the synthetic version of disco.
                -Phyllis Hyman- “You Know How to Love Me”
                -Chaka Khan- “I’m Every Woman”

3.  What House song did you first fall in love with?

A:  “I Feel Love”- Donna Summer
M:  “Bad Luck”- Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes and 2nd “You Know How to Love Me”- Phyllis Hyman

4.  You’re stranded on an island, you have all of your DJ equipment, but you’re unable to play yourself.  Which DJ do you want to be on that island with you to play instead?

M:  My mentor, LiL John.
A:  Mike Dunn

5.  Do dating and DJing mix well?

A:  No.
M:  Simultaneously, shakes head no.
A:  Scheduling issues; I live at night.
M:  I work and DJ.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

New Year, New Resolve

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  *confetti thrown*

I know it's a bit late, but hey- it's still the beginning of the year!  I typically do not make New Year's resolutions. Although every year I vow to stop cursing for good (and subsequently fail), I like to keep my year rather easy-breezy. But this year, what I have decided is to stop giving needless advice. In conjunction with that, I have also decided to learn how to tune whiners and complainers out. My new motto is, "either do something about it, or shut the fuck up!" The not cursing is a work in progress. This goes for both men and women, friend, family and outsiders alike. But especially women. I get so tired of talk- it's cheap. 

Here's an example: I know someone who would greatly benefit from a life-altering, essentially life-saving surgery. The kicker is, the doctors won't perform the procedure unless this person, we'll call "D", drops about 30lbs. Understanding how hard this could be, those same doctors have provided D with a special diet. If D sticks to this diet, they are confident the weight can be lost- and fast. Now I know diets aren't easy, but D essentially says that it's too hard to do right now. D is dumb. D is no longer my friend- D's choosing, not mine. But I feel stronger and less stressed with D not in my regular rotation of friends. Here is where my "resolution" comes in play, I said nothing to D when I was told this foolishness. Now that we are not "cool" anymore, I can completely ignore and disregard D. Because inevitably, from what I know, D will surely be complaining about the problem that could be eradicated with a couple of months of discipline. I mean it is your life right? You wouldn't give up on your life if you could do something about it, would you? Twenty-twelve MJ would have tried to convince D to make an effort. Twenty-thirteen MJ, could give a fuck. There's that pesky "F" word again!

My advice has ceased, or at least I am trying to stop.  What brought me to this point?  A friend of mine was frustrated about their current circumstance.  She was going on and on.  When I added my two cents, she shut me down.  I mean she literally, cut me off while I was talking.  I guess I wasn't talking fast enough.  That wouldn't be the first time I was told that.  But what was funny was, we were arguing the same point.  I was essentially agreeing with her.  She was so caught up on her moment of woe, that her instinct was to go on the defense.  It was at that very moment, instead of arguing.  I shut the eff up!  I'm taking baby steps with this cursing.  Whether you are caught in an endless cycle of an emotional roller coaster with a lover (former or present), friend or family member.  If your issue is financial; you want to spend less to have and save more.  Or it's your health.  Whatever the issue, in 2013, let's stop talking about it and just do the damn thing!  "Damn" is good, right?  Regardless of if you can actually make your resolution become your reality, I have decided to stick with mine.  Let the mindless head nodding and un-huhs begin.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Swinging Doors

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy."-Author Unknown

A friend posted this on her Facebook page this morning and I thought it was very poignant.  Yesterday, I had a phone conversation that solidified the end of a friendship.  Later on in the evening, over hamburgers, another friendship's sturdy foundation was being framed.  I appreciate God's direction and His timing. 

Years ago, when I was about 18 or 19, I overheard a woman mention how years prior she asked God to remove people from her life who meant her harm, were not adding anything good to her life and who were not overall positive people.  She said that after doing this, people started "dropping off like flies".  I thought this was ingenious and followed suit.  I made my request clear to God and tried to verbatum, recite mantra-like, what the woman said.  The funny thing about how God works is He does not always make an announcement that He is going to do something, He just does it.  Almost immediately, both men and women started literally disappearing from my life.  I would have a date with a guy and he would never show, never call.  After stalking him and his family for several months (I was young; this was pre- widespread cellphone usage, so I was calling the house phone) I finally got the message, he was no longer interested.  Years later, after we reconnected, I discovered, he was an all-around semi-loser:  a failed marriage by the age of 30, 3 kids, 2 baby mamas, shitty apartment (not like mine is all that), panties on the floor, etc.  I had dodged a major bullet! 

There was another boy that I was crazy about, I wanted him so bad!  The hopeless romantic in me thought we would be perfect together.  But he would just disappear from time to time.  What seemed at first to be his flaky-ness, I soon discovered was a greater plan.  An exit plan that is.  It took forever for me to make the connection, but it was one of the best things that could have happened.  He, who is great on paper, was an absolute disaster in more ways than one.  Bullet whizzes by ear.

It has not always been guys that have performed disappearing acts.  I have had a series of girlfriends whose friendship did not prove to be as loyal as mine.  There might be that highly audible silence or the sharp sting of a "defriend" on a social media site.  When confronted (and usually that ends up being my role) they wince at my me-ness, i.e. the essence of me being me.  Their faces twist and turn and they, whether on the phone or in person, exhibit absolute discomfort. 

Yesterday's phone call was no different.  After the conversation, I felt a mix of annoyance, irritation and clarity.  I have to giggle sometimes because I totally forget my request to God.  He, as always, has kept His promise.  I, on the other hand, have a short term memory and tend to be heartbroken and confused.  I asked Him to remove those individuals without a positive influence in my life, but I did not specify how He should go about doing it.  While I am staring at a tree trunk, His sight is 10 miles deep into the forrest.  For that I am grateful.

I will admit, I have a bad habit of clinging on.  I want desparately for relationships to work.  I am nostalgic about how things were, or at least how I perceive them to have been.  I spend a lot of time thinking far into the future, about how things might turn out.  I try my best to be a good sport.  And I tend to miss my "exit stage left" cues.  So the fact that God takes time out of His inevitably busy schedule and looks after me is humbling.  It, for so many years now, has been my only defence against a potentially bad situation.  But not for Him, who knows whom I would be married to, or hanging out with. 

But again, that conversation left me clear.  Oh, yes, I was to some regard dumbfounded, but a lot of what was said by this friend, I literally (in speculating with other girlfriends and my mom) had already predicted to be the "issue".  When we disconnected, I felt sorry for her.  But glad for me.  Later, a newer friend and I had dinner and I realized that my friendship glass was not really half empty at all.  In fact, I just needed a smaller cup.  It leaves less room for mis- understandings and interpretations.  Our conversation was genuine and honest.  In between tears, we laughed- hard.  Without me going into details, I mentioned how I would from now on, "just shut the fuck up" because obviously my personality and opinion is a problem (this is what was brought to my attention by my telephone friend).  My dinner friend waved off this and said, "you don't even worry about that".

If ever there is any misconception, please let me clarify:  my blog is about ME.  It is not my commentary on the world, rather commentary on MY life.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly.  I do not use this as a forum to challenge anyone's thought.  You can look at it as an exposed journal.  These are my thoughts and feelings.  If you read something and it makes you say, "I don't want to be friends with MJ."  You missed the point.  As a friend, you could have made this a teaching moment not a time to judge me or my personality missteps. 

What the reactions I get from my blog prove to me?  That I must be writing well.  Well enough that I have ruffled feathers.  My descriptions of individuals are steady and honest enough to evoke irritation.  You can read my blog and know who it is I am talking about.  That, my friends, is good writing.  Which makes me happy!!  I have crossed a threshhold.  Not only with my writing and the blog, but also with my friendships.  On this Thanksgiving eve, I am thankful for a creative outlet.  I am also thankful for friends, in my life, and those God and circumstances pushed out.  I fondly look at life as a series of swinging doors.  When one door closes (my friend coming clean about how she really feels about me) another one opens (me having a free-flowing conversation with a newer friend).  May God continue to let the door swing. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

To Antoine

As I type this blog at 3:44pm on a Friday afternoon, all I can think about is how much I want a cocktail- a really good cocktail.  A really good dirty martini, just the way I like it:  extra dirty, large olives, with ice cold vodka.  I want it served up by a friendly, knowledgeable barkeep who knows the importance of letting a girl drink in silence.  I want this drink served up, no later than 5:30pm today.  My intention is to feel that giggly warmth within before 7pm.  So that by 8 o'clock tonight, I already feel as though my weekend has started on the right foot.  But what made me type this post, had less to do with my desire for that drink, and more about my need for the company I wanted to share that drink with.  Antoine.  Sometimes, on a Friday like today, when my workplace is quiet and time is moving extremely slow, I get a strong desire to have afterwork cocktails with Antoine- my best friend.  The realization of how impossible this is, makes me (as I did today) come close to tears.  I feel so sad.  To have a friend, your best friend, so far away is depressing.  There are just some events that are best with a "bestie".  I love cocktails with anyone, don't get me wrong, but there is something celestial about afterwork cocktails with a good friend.  As much as I would like to throw out a message on Facebook or via text to see who would be game, I know it's no use.  I will only be disappointed at the "subpar" replacement.  Today, I want my best friend.  He will be home for Thanksgiving, but it's never enough.  There are days when you just need your friend.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Simply Simpatico

I had a refreshing conversation the other day.  It was with a girlfriend that I have known for 14 years.  As on far too many occasions, I woke up with my mind racing.  I was second guessing myself about an issue and needed a bit of advice.  I called my uncle. I called my best friend Antoine.  Neither one answered.  It was 6:30AM.  But I figured since they are both on the East Coast, they might be up and at 'em.  No such luck.  So I called my girl.  She was fixing  her lunch and getting herself and the baby ready to leave for the morning.  God bless working moms!  We chatted off and on until 8AM (hanging up when necessary) as she dropped the baby off at school, pumped gas and drove herself to work.

I gave her the scenario which had me concerned and she gave me an honest answer.  More importantly, she gave me an answer that best suited me.  I have learned the importance of having people who are like you around.  Now, obviously, if you have serious issues, you may want to upgrade your friend list.  But if that is not the case, it is good to have someone who can see things from your angle.  Yes, you want people to tell you the truth, but if it comes served with you and your behavior in mind, it tends to resonate more.  My girl is very similar to me.  She and I have had a long lasting relationship because we have similar values and ideas about life and love.  We have the same taste in clothes (the majority of my hand-me-down wardrobe comes from her), we are about the same size (though not now, she is pregnant with her second child) and enjoy the same foods, outings and entertainment.  In a nutshell, if anybody can see things from my perspective, it is her. 

Having someone around to give you the sobering 'devil's advocate' truth is nice and all, but it is good to have someone who actually gets you.  I have a friend who is quite the opposite.  She gives good advice, but there are times when I think her approach is stinging and sharp.  I almost have to explain myself, to explain my point of view.  But with a friend whom I share a more congenial relationship with, they already know.  So the advice is more tailored toward me.  I do not need anyone to hold punches, but after ending the phone conversation, it felt comforting to know that I was not only understood, but validated.  It was divine order that I spoke to her and no one else.  In advising me, and because she knows me so well, she presented a detailed portrait of how she saw the situation and the role I played within it.  Demonstrating how my decision was a direct result of the type of person I am; she confirmed that there was no need to worry about the issue that hung over my head, because in the end, I was right. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Censor-y Deprivation

I do not like to be censored!  But, I also do not like offending and isolating others.  I have been advised by my best friend and beau that everything that comes to mind, does not need to be divulged.  All those constant thoughts that run through my mind at all times of the day and night, need not be expressed in my writing.  If I take this into account and my already self-imposed stern rule of not using real names without permission, not telling stories that involve the personal business of others and tying any stories about others into my own personal growth and revelations to avoid being a gossip blog.  I rarely discuss celebrities.  I do not touch upon politics.  I skirt around race issues.  And with the exception of my monthlong daily blogging challenge I took earlier this year, I make a point of writing when I feel I really have something to say. 

A recent post was the catalyst of the advice given.  Although everything in the post was how I truly felt and I did not exaggerate the situation to make the story more enticing, I was told it was unnecessary.  That if by chance the parties involved were to decide out of the blue, 'hey, I want to read MJ's blog today...for the first time...in my life' and read it, they would instantly recognize themselves.  Did I feel a pang in my side as I made the decision to write and publish it?  Yes.  Did I purposely only share the link on my Facebook fan page, not my home, where I am friends with that individual?  Yes.  And yet I wanted, and did, post it anyway.  The Gift, never said anything, so I thought I was in the clear.  My bestie, who casually, but usually never reads my posts (I tell him everything anyway, so he already knows the stories) gave me the 'shame on you' humph.  He told me I was "stirring the pot" unnecessarily.  So in a phone conversation with the Gift during a lunch break, he confirmed that he did indeed read it and that it embarrassed him.  He said he did not want to tell me what to do, instead he instructed, "do what you want to do."  Which I am wise enough to know is guy-speak for, "take that shit down."  So I did.  And told him that I did.  To which he thanked me. 

That is the only post I have ever removed after publishing.  The rebel in me proclaims, 'you can't tell me what to do!'  But my mature self, who has no desire to embarrass my guy, overrides this thought.  Is it worth it?  I want my blog to be free and open.  I started writing it as a journal.  The bestie says there are some topics that need to just be written down privately in an actual journal and not broadcast on the worldwide web.  Or he suggested that I just tell him, if I need to get something off my chest.  I have always taken pride in my writing and the platform I have built with my blog.  But the thought of having to be so particular about what I say and how I say it, left me feeling conflicted.  This is such a good outlet, but it's not worth any damage my words can cause.  As I sit here, hoping my best friend Antoine hurries up and calls so I can tell him the latest nagging thought that has popped into my mind, I do feel restless.  But I also know it is what's best.  I think what had me worrying was that I already limit my posts due to my previously mentioned guidelines, and now I have even less to write!  At least now, I can return the focus to me and stay away from magnifying, for the world, or in my case that's the 20-50 average readers, what I consider to be other people's "issues".

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." -Maya Angelou

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Friends or Fans?

Do you have friends or fans in your life?  I have a friend, *Pat, who can be a bit entertaining on Facebook.  Pat has mastered being coy enough to get curious responses and brash and honest enough to keep the comments and 'Likes' coming.  Pat is a friend.  I like Pat.  But Pat's 'Friend List' is filled with more gawking onlookers than actual friends.  I think Pat likes this.  Which made me wonder, how many of us have fans as opposed to friends?

Well, let's first make the distinction between fans and friends.  A fan will 'Like' all comments and posts, making sure to respond how much they almost choked from laughing out loud at your circumstance.  A friend makes a point of reaching out after the fact or outside of the public post to ensure that everything is all good.  Fans leave encouraging words of how awesome you are; friends tell you that to your face.  Which leads me to my next example, fans only interact with you online; you share actual memories with friends.  Let me be clear, there are not only virtual fans, but real ones too.  Of the people who show up to any and every event you have, how many of them would you actually sit down and talk to?  How many would you say really know you?  Who amongst them would you invite for an intimate evening with friends and family?

In most cases, the fan list outweigh the friends list.  Now I must admit, this is something I have only observed from the outside.  I happen to have the winning personality which only keeps the most genuine and honest people close to me.  I have never been the type of person people feel they need to hang around for what I have or what I do.  You really have to want to deal with me, to deal with me.  Which, in my opinion, is a good thing.  My fanbase is non-existant.  I am okay with that and have wholeheartedly embraced it.

So again, I ask, do you have friends or fans?



*Name has been changed.