How to Successfully Plan Time with Your Girlfriends When You've Got Shit to Do

Spending time with your friends is an integral part of living a well-rounded life. With all the racial and violent mess going on, it makes me feel extremely battle fatigued. My good friends give me peace in an uncertain world. Busy schedules, family obligations, work and the time needed to decompress from it all, make scheduling (and keeping) girlfriend dates difficult. So here are some tips for staying committed to your friends, when you got so much shit to do.

Make the damn plans. This is the first suggestion, because hell, it's the obvious one. But if it were easy, you wouldn't be reading this. Instead of thing about making plans, or constantly saying "yeah girl, we need to get together", actually make the plans. In fact, when you run into that girlfriend you haven't hung out with in a while or receive the holiday or birthday text, just make the plans then. Pivot from, "yes, we should" to "what's your schedule like next week?" Lock in a date and time then. The likelihood of you going on with your day and making the plans is slim, if not, you would have already hung out with the person. S go ahead and put something on the calendar.

Plan activities on weekdays. We tend to plan dates on the weekends, but the problem is we also schedule everything else on the weekends as well- laundry, working out grocery shopping romantic dates, everything. If you have kids, forget about it. Your weekend is shot! So why not plan to meet up with your girl after work? Meet at a convenient location for both parties. If one, or both of you, work in your city's business district, where there tends to be bars and restaurants, why commute one extra day during the weekend to a place you already spend at least five days of each week anyway?

Don't just meet for food and drinks. Pick an activity you both will enjoy and something you really want to do. This is a great way to kill two birds with one stone. That art exhibit you've been wanting to see? Go...with you girl! It's easy to get in the habit of eating and drinking for every get-together, but there are cheaper and healthier ways to spend time. How many of us are trying to eat healthier? And how many of us let all that healthy stuff fall by the waist-side when we get around our friends? I know I am guilty of it. So think of things to do that involve pulling away from the table or bar. In fact, go to an exercise class together or take a long walk or jog. It's simple and cheap.

Phone calls count. Call your girlfriends! Actually pick up the phone and call your friends. This is not the same as hanging out in person obviously, but we spend so much time texting and e-mailing that we avoid calling each other. I know I am dating myself, but I remember marathon phone conversations that lasted and lasted, sometimes to the wee hours of the morning. These days, I am an early bird, who is more likely to call you before 8am, but I enjoy catching up with my friends and hearing their voices and real, audible laughter, not just seeing a typed 'LOL'. This is especially helpful for long distance girlfriends. I have had 3 hour-long conversations that consisted of laughter, cursing, gossip, crying and prayer. Talk to your friends. That's the best tenet of friendship- the stimulating conversation.

Entertain at home. This could have definitely been included with No. 3, but I think this is so important it is a stand-alone tip. When you are a woman of a certain age (I like saying that, because, really what does it mean?), i.e. a grown woman, your home, whether it be an apartment, house, owned, rented, leased, sub-leased, whatever, should be your personal sanctuary. To me, part of creating a sanctuary for yourself, is having a living space that is inviting to others. Not all others, but the select few you enjoy having around. This does not mean you have to have a fully furnished home, or that you have to live lavishly. What this means is you should have the essentials for entertaining:  at least 4 wine glasses, a large serving bowl (they are just useful as hell), ice on hand at all times and music. It is always good to keep one adult beverage stocked as part of your cocktail started kit or in case of emergencies. If your cabinets are dry, let your guests know so they can bring something. Put music on, or a good show and just chill. Some of my best times are just me at one of friends' home hanging out, no agenda, no plans. Utilize your (their) home. Note:  this means your home needs to always be, not necessarily "company ready", but good friends ready. It doesn't have to be spotless, but comfortable for you and them. You shouldn't have to clean your entire house every time your girl comes over.

Stop being a flake! This the last time and it's just important as No. 1. Stop making, then breaking plans. It's annoying and no one benefits from it. Reduce arbitrarily saying, "year, what are you doing next week?", then never following up next week. Your friends have their own lives and don't need you jerking their time around. They may have moved some plans around for you and to cancel it because of some random shit or ridiculous reason, (or because you're being lazy) is not cool. Also, if you don't want to meet or do not have the time, make that clear, or stop making empty promises and plans.

Now go and set up a date with your homegirl! Nourish good friendships, they're important to your well-being, and feed your soul.

Hugs!

Task Complete: How I Pushed Through When All I Wanted to Do Was Walk Away and Crawl Under the Covers

I did it! Yep, I’m done. You know how you sign up for something and quickly realize it is a bad idea? Well this is what happened to me. I was in a women’s service organization for about 4.5 or 5.5 years (I lost count after about month 8th). I decided to take a leadership position, because I thought that would make my experience better than it had been. I was wrong. It made it worse! I was annoyed, frustrated and angry from the onset. But that part of the story isn’t as important as this one- I finished! As of this past Wednesday, June 1st, I finished my task and honored my commitment. The organization’s schedule runs from June to May essentially and so last week marked the end. I had resigned my membership in February. I had a few loose ends to tie up before being completely done. On Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, I took time out to e-mail the participants of the committee I oversaw and thanked them, collected my year-end survey results, reached out to the head of my council and scheduled a transition meeting with the two women who will be taking over after me. (Yes, it was realized that this should not be a one person job.) When I tell you I felt accomplished, honey, listen!

It was during my very own transition meeting conference call last year, that I knew this was going to be a long assignment. With me working by myself, I only had my friends, both in and outside of the organization to vent to. I spent a lot of time trying to figure things out on my own or to good friends who would instruct me to “not send that letter”. I have had e-mails proofed and heavily edited by friends at work to keep from unleashing my condescending tone to someone I thought deserved it. But I made it. Through all of the many micro-aggressions, the rude comments and the long-ass meetings, I made it. The back and forth e-mails to answer questions I deemed obvious, I made it. I am proud of myself for holding my tongue, when my mind wanted to let loose. I pat myself on the back for staying gracious in the face of constant second-guessing. 

I learned a lot about leadership in this particular role. The title does not make people instantly respect you, it’s your actions and how you handle yourself. Then there are some people who still won’t. But I marched on. When I had low attendance to the events I hosted, I did not take it personally, I just thanked those who showed. I started choosing dates and times that worked best for me, instead of trying to please the entire group at large. I started supporting my own decisions. Even if it meant not showing up to every single meeting I was invited to, in order to show favoritism to my priorities and things I actually enjoyed. I sent out holiday cards instead of pouting. I ended every e-mail with an “Enjoy your day!” or “I hope everyone has a great holiday!”, instead of rolling my eyes. I kept things positive. I responded to requests on time. I apologized for oversights or mistakes, taking full responsibility for things that were by no means a big deal. I helped out when I could. And I made it. I did well. I spent so much time thinking I was in over my head, but the truth is, sometimes that’s what leadership feels like. It is not always easy. It just simply is. I am glad I pushed myself. And most importantly, I finished. I completed the task!

Translation Please: My Love Language

This morning I was talking to one of my girlfriends about an incident that took place yesterday evening that had me upset and annoyed. It involved a man, mixed signals and Shake Shack. Don’t worry, the Shake Shack part was all good; I split some cheese fries and had a Chicken Shack with cheese if you’re curious. The food was better than fine. It was the company I kept that had me calling my girl to recap all the foolishness. In between my cursing and her completely agreeing with me, she asked:  “what’s your ‘love language’? Is it receiving gifts or words of affirmation?” I had taken Gary Chapman’s ‘The 5 Love Languages’ test years ago, but could not remember how I tested. I thought those two sounded good, but honestly did not know. It occurred to me that taking the test again, now that some years have past, wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Then I thought back to the conversation I had with my dad even earlier this morning, before the call with my girl. As my phone buzzed in my hand with John Coltrane’s Impressions (his unique ringtone) coming through the speaker, I already knew it was him before seeing Daddy on the screen. “MJ, you sad about Prince hunh?”, to which I sadly replied, “yeah”. “I’m gonna try to find that Chipotle coupon for a free burrito bowl. You want a bowl?” he asked. “Yes.” He said he would call me when he was on his way downtown and that I could “do the order” for him. It occurred to me, that is my love language. My dad speaks my love language. He acknowledged and predicted I would be shook up about Prince and gave me my due respect for crafting a mean burrito bowl. No translation needed.

After posting this I will take the test and see what my “language” is. If you want to test yourself, click here and share your results.

XOXO

Can I Get a Ride?

My car was recently out of commission.  I needed brake pads, rotors and calipers- I think, I'm not really sure what that all means, except my car was smelling and loud as hell when I drove it.  Apparently, my calipers (or was it my rotors?) locked and caused my car to feel like I was driving with the emergency brake on.  I was quoted a price for the parts and service and scheduled an appointment for this past Monday.  The cost caught me a bit off guard and I wasn't prepared to pay when I first got the diagnosis.  So for about a month, my car sat in my building's parking lot, un-driven.  For what had been at times a very inconvenient month, I schlepped through the city on bus, train or on the passenger side of whoever was willing to drive me wherever.  The rest of the time I spent in the house catching up on my DVR recordings (I had 'Tonight Show' episodes that dated back to the end of summer), cooking, eating and reading.  I had not been to the gym; I didn't just tool around town.  When I grocery shopped, it's my mom who usually took me.  Or my good girlfriend and neighbor would give me a lift on her way to work, and I rode the bus back when done.


Besides my car being out of commission, my budget has been hard to resuscitate as well.  Funds are low.  Through it all, I didn't complain, but rather exercised truth-telling and humility.  Asking for a ride to or from my mom's house is not always easy.  Informing your beloved book club that, although you would love to, you're unable to meet the group at Fig & Olive for the next meeting, but instead could host a brunch potluck at your place, is not fun.  It took me several days to muster the energy and courage to do so.  Yes, taking the bus and train everywhere, even on the weekends (I'm a public transportation commuter for work during the week) can give you that New York feel.  I think of all my New York friends who hop on and off subway trains to go to parties, the movies, meet friends for dinner, etc. and I think, 'You're being a baby.'  But I'm a South Side Chicagoan, where everything is spread out and not walking distance.  Plus, I am spoiled by organic, natural and specialty foods and products.  I find myself having a hard time buying my meats, cheeses and poultry anywhere other than Whole Foods or Trader Joe's.  I read labels obsessively sometimes, making it hard for me to just shop at any grocer in the neighborhood.  What the fuck is high-fructose corn syrup anyway?!

All of this put me in the position to have to ask for help and share my truth.  It tested my friendships and relationships with others.  I had to humble myself and say 'I need help'.  I hated it, but loved it at the same time.  Although I hated doing it, I love that people do care enough to help.  And it releases me from the unattainable goal of being a superwoman.  I stood blindfolded so to speak with courage, as I awaited someone's answer.  Yes or No- it seems simple enough, yet it was a real challenge.  But challenges are meant to be met, right?

I Was There

My 93 (or 94?) year-old Aunt Edith, and I share a steady written correspondence.  She sends me greeting cards for all major holidays including Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday.  I, in turn, send her 'Thank You' notes and postcards from my travels out of the country.  It is very nice and old school.  There is something about getting a letter or package in the mail that surpasses the feeling of an e-mail, text or social media update.

Last Monday, I received an Easter card from my aunt with a handwritten (always handwritten) letter enclosed on beautiful stationary (classic).  It was sent to my old address and forwarded by the Post Office a few days late.  Her cards are always early or on time.  Her letter was written in response to the postcard I had sent her from my recent trip to Paris (and Amsterdam).  She started the note by saying how happy she was for me, that I am able to take trips and "see other parts of the world."  She went on to say that during her "travels Blacks [were] not able nor interested in other parts of the world."  A nurse, by profession, she would save up her vacation days and "take a month off and travel over the U.S.A."  Aunt Edith, whom at the time lived in Chicago (she later retired to her hometown of Gulfport, MS) was able to cover the West Coast, Canada and part of Alaska.  She said she would compare the "different scenery".

Even though Aunt Edith is closing in on 100 years of age, which she will no doubt reach (our family has a history of living to the upper 90s; her dad lived until he was 111), she is still thinking of travel.  "I would like to take one of [those] Amtrak tours out West, that would be interesting to sit back and see the scenery. Smile."  An avid amateur photographer, she said she hoped I took lots of pictures.  "So one day you can look back [and] remember 'I was there'".  She ended the note with her usual "Love Auntie".  

I got misty-eyed when I read the card.  I truly enjoy traveling and take pride in my freedom to move around as I please.  But her letter made me understand how important it is to travel.  My Dad often tells me how when he and Aunt Edith discuss me and my latest trips, she tells him, "tell her to keep traveling while you're young.  When you get old no one wants to travel anymore."  In me she sees herself.  She is able to witness the evolution of the world, where as a woman, a Black woman, I am able to go where I want to go and see what I want to see.  In her, I see how golden life can be.  In a time when a lot of African Americans, and women alike were not educated beyond primary and high school, she received her nursing degree from Howard University.  She still drives herself around town and is an active member in her church community.  She has no children and I am still not clear on whether she has ever been married or not, but it (from the outside at least) has never been an issue.  Aunt Edith's life and encouragement inspires me.  She makes me want to live free in both mind and spirit.  She makes me want to travel more!

So in honor of my Aunt Edith, who doesn't even own a computer and who will probably never read this, here are some pictures from my Spring European holiday.  Enjoy!  P.S. Let me know what trips you have planned in the near future.

PARIS and PALACE OF VERSAILLE

AMSTERDAM

Let's Get Happy

I recently asked life and career coach, Rosie Guagliardo, to answer some questions; I wanted her recommendations for those who have not quite kept their New Year's resolutions, people who struggle with wintertime blues and to find out how to deal with loneliness during what seems to be a never-ending cold and snow season.

Do you believe in New Year's Resolutions?
No, I actually don't believe in them.  The main reason New Year's Resolutions don't work is that they are often based on what you think you "should" do.  It feels like a forced effort based on an external reason (e.g., the start of a new year).  Research shows that only 8% of people achieve their resolutions, and that's because they are only pursued using willpower- which wanes over time.

Instead, what I recommend is thinking about what desired outcomes you'd like to experience.  This allows you to have a deeper connection to what you're pursuing and you can create an inspired plan to experience it.  For example, I used to make a New Year's resolution to lose ten pounds.  But, then I realized I really didn't care about weighing a certain amount.  What I did care about was having energy and feeling fit.  So, I refined my desired outcome to reflect those two desires.  Now my health goals are based on what I value, and I was more motivated to achieve them.  The result is that I feel better than ever.  (And the weight came off, too!)

Do you suggest a person set smaller goals for short periods of time throughout the year, or focus on one large goal to achieve per year?
I think focusing on a few smaller desired outcomes is best.  Then, you can break those down into what I call "process" goals that lead you to experiencing your main desired outcomes.  So, think of the baby steps you need to take on a daily basis.  Like an athlete who trains for his performance, think about what you need to do periodically to feel happier in the end.  Ideally, you can ritualize these actions or behaviors to make them consistent so you won't need willpower to succeed.

Smaller outcomes help reduce the chance of feeling failure, too.  But remember, life isn't about being perfect, so anticipate some failure and make space for recovery.  You might even want to reframe failure to focus on the effort you're making.  If you weren't trying, you couldn't fail!  It's just part of the process toward feeling happier.  And, stay in tune with your overall desired outcome by asking whether you're going in the right direction, even if there have been some setbacks along the way.

The holidays are over, most of us have already forgotten about or altered our 2014 goals.  What do you suggest for getting back on track with those resolutions which were so important just a few months ago?
You can start by reviewing them to confirm they're still appropriate for you.  Gaining clarity on what you want may take some time, so be patient.  If you feel that you can easily create goals (or desired outcomes) but sometimes have trouble pursuing them, it could be because the ones you created aren't what you genuinely want in your heart.  Or, they just need to be modified to be more in line with what you want.  There are several ways to confirm or refine your desired outcomes to ensure you feel happier and more excited about pursuing them.  Here are a few examples I've used:

• Ask yourself, "What is the purpose behind each outcome?  Is it something I want to pursue or feel like I have to pursue?"  If you feel that you "have" to pursue it, then get rid of it.  If it's an outcome you "want" to pursue, remind yourself of why it is important to you.
• If you feel that you haven't made much progress towards your desired outcomes, visualize how you want to feel and what you want your life to look like when you're achieved each one.  Use that vision to identify an incremental next step that will move you in the right direction.
• If you're still unmotivated to take next step toward your desired outcome, try to make that action step more fun.  For example, if you don't like exercising at the gym, bring a friend along who energizes you, or go for a hike instead.

And then, after you feel that your desired outcomes really resonate with you, make sure you have the structure and support needed to sustain the energy to achieve them.

Studies have shown that season depression does in fact exist.  What are some tips you can give to people who are having a hard time coping with the long winter months?  Everyone cannot get away for the season, what can a person whose budget or time will not permit traveling to a sunny tropical climate do to keep "sane"?

Obviously, getting the light you need (possibly through light therapy) along with proper nutrition and fitness makes a difference.  But, there are a few other ways to generate, maintain, and revitalize your energy.  One way to generate energy is to help others through volunteering.  Positive psychologists say volunteering helps provide you a sense of purpose by committing yourself to something outside of yourself.  You'll also create connections which can help safeguard you from feeling isolated and ultimately boost your mood.  Research actually shows that expressing compassion and generosity impacts your well-being, and reveals that when you give, the pleasure centers of the brain are activated (just like when you enjoy dessert or sex).

A way to maintain your energy is to visit with friends before you start feeling down.  Don't wait until you're feeling the effects of seasonal depression to reach out to friends.  They'll help you keep you good mood intact.

Finally, a way to revitalize your energy is to create and use a "Happy Box."  Remember that happiness isn't an absolute or a destination.  Instead of asking "Am I happy?" ask yourself "How can I be happier?"  Write down several actions you can take that make you feel happier (e.g. calling a friend, meditating, taking a bath, etc.) and put them in a box.  Whenever you're feeling disconnected from your best self or feeling down, reach for your "Happy Box" and do one of the things to feel happier!

Regarding both romantic and familial relationships in general, winter can feel lonely and isolating at times, what can single people or people who are away from loved ones do to keep their spirits up?

Because it's difficult being away from loved ones, it's so important to remain connected to them - even if only phone.  Connecting on a consistent basis will keep your spirits up because you can enjoy the anticipation of talking with them as well as the actual discussions.  Try to ritualize the behavior by planning ahead and blocking out time in your calendar to reach out to loved ones.

I'd also suggest contemplating what you love most about those relationships.  Is it how safe you feel, loved, inspired, or connected?  Whatever it is, take time to be grateful for those relationships and really feel the feelings associated with them.  A study by Robert Emmons and Michaels McCullough (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) revealed that people who focus on what they are grateful for are both emotionally and physically healthier.

If you keep thinking about what you're lacking, you'll keep noticing what you don't have, and you'll keep thinking you're not getting what you want.  If you shift your thoughts to focus on what you do have and what makes you happy, your brain will continue to notice the abundance in your life, leaving you feeling grateful and ultimately happier.

What do you say to people who have the philosophy that winter should be reserved for hibernation:  "I'll start exercising, dating, looking for a new job, break up with him/her, eat better when the weather breaks"?

I think you can positively leverage the spirit of the winter season, which includes slowing down, resting more, and reflecting while the weather is cold.  But, I don't recommend waiting to live the life you desire.  My philosophy is to create your vision for the future and balance that with your current realities.  This approach allows you to effectively pursue long-term desired outcomes while living a happier life every day.  So even during the winter, let your vision guide and inspire you during your daily life and find the baby steps you can take toward your desired outcomes.

And remember, to remain motivated during the cooler winter months, confirm your desired outcomes are based on what you truly want and aim to keep your spirits high.  By the time the weather is warmer and Spring begins, you'll be in a better position to experience the renewing energy of the season ans even more inspired to pursue your desired outcomes.

     Rosie Guagliardo has loved being a life and career coach for 7 years and the founder of InnerBrilliance Coaching, LLC.  She is also a beauty-seeking, lover of life, Italian-American who wears "Rosie-colored" glasses while being pragmatic, purposeful, and results-oriented.  The combination of these qualities inspires her to help women honor themselves and each other by seeing perfection within and all around them -- in themselves, in others and in every moment of life.  This approach to life motivates a woman DAILY to realize her life vision with ease, joy, and grace.  
     Ultimately, Rosie's desire is for a woman to radiate her true essence and navigate life gracefully so she can experience her deepest wishes.  And, for her 80 year old self to have stories she would be proud to tell.  Rosie's philosophy is become passionate about your already perfect self, others, and life...and your path becomes perfect for you.  Click to find out more.

10 Things I Learned (or were reiterated) in the Year 2013

          1.   Friends come and go…

It sounds sad to say, because friendship is such an important part of most of our lives.  The fraternity, Omega Psi Phi, has the motto “friendship is essential to the soul.”  And I think whomever came up with that motto was on to something.  Friendship is essential.  Friends are the family you get to choose.  The difference, even if you decide not to associate with family, is that they are still your family.  Friendships can evolve and change, or rather the people within the friendships can evolve and change.  No matter how many good times you have with a person, those experiences do not always result in a happy future.  Whether I released or I was released from friendships, I made a point of learning from the experiences and cherishing the good times.  But I also clung tightly and fiercely to those positive and healthy relationships that were stable and genuine.  You will never know who your friends are only in good times.  You can never truly understand what it takes to make a friendship work by partying and socializing with people.  The best barometer of a quality friendship is your tough times- the times when you both have misunderstandings or get on each other’s last damn nerves.  That is how a good and solid friendship is measured.  

2.   It is important to allow people an out or a ‘no’…

Why?  Because you want others to give you ‘outs’.  Once I became what I consider a grown woman, I started taking my free time more serious.  I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.  So, when I host an event (lately I have been averaging three a year), I have learned that everyone on my invite list will not and cannot show up.  Whatever the reason or excuse, I cannot worry about it.  There have been people whom I make sure I support and attend any and everything they invite me to, in order to show my support, but when my events roll around there are conflicts with schedules, there are uninterested replies, there is lack of time management.  One good girlfriend, whom I love, plainly said she could find better things to do for three hours than come to my vision board party.  Ouch!  (Love you April!)  You know what?  I still love them all.  I know how important it is to say ‘no’ sometimes.  I know how special free time is.  I also know as women, especially, we should not guilt each other into doing things we wish not to do.  Society does enough of that already.  This past weekend I hosted a burning bowl ceremony (you write on a piece of paper what you want to rid yourself of in the new year to “burn” and on a separate sheet, what you would like to replace those things with instead, to be revisited several months in the future) at my home where 11 people were scheduled to show up, but even an hour into the event I was receiving cancellations.  No worries.  The three women who did show up and myself had a wonderful time.  My friends commented on how much more comfortable they felt disclosing their true feelings and goals with the small group.  Everyone who should have been there or needed to be there was there.  I held no hard feelings towards those who could not make it.

3.   I like the new Beyonce album...

I have had some really great discussions with some friends shortly after it came out about the release, the content, the marketing, her message (if any) and I came to the conclusion that I just like the album.  I like her being a bit raunch.  I like her continuing to express that she is indeed a grown ass woman.  It is the same reason I love Ledisi’s sexy new look, album cover and video for “I Blame You”.  I like seeing women evolving!  I like the growth process of womanhood.  I like the many facets of this womanhood.  I like owning my own sexuality and applaud other women for welcoming and exploring theirs.  

4.   I move slow...

Let my mom tell it, I have always been slow:  getting dressed, cleaning up, arriving to parties.  I can finally admit that she is right.  What does a good off day look like to me?  Taking my time in the morning.  Easing into my outfit.  Playing music, eating a bit and lounging in between.  I get up everyday at a certain time so that I can be at my gig based on someone else’s rules.  On my off days, I like to do as I please as slow as I please.

5.   Hosting is fun and fulfilling...

I am more comfortable at it and can take my time and enjoy myself in the process.  Although the previously mentioned Burning Bowl event was mentally constructed in my mind, I got up that same morning, decided upon what was needed and purchased everything accordingly.  Then after eating and relaxing while watching T.V., I gave myself two hours to put everything together.  I was stress-free and enjoyed the process.  I also have been noticing that I would consider myself a pretty good, if not good, host.  I have learned that it does not take much for an event to be a success- just good people.  Good food and drinks do not hurt either!  But even with that, I make everything a joint effort.  I am a fan of the potluck.  I come up with my menu and ask if people can bring things that would compliment what I was preparing.  It makes it easier for me, plus my guests do not have to worry about what to bring.  It is fulfilling to allow people into your home and serve them and enjoy them in your space.  I also love when people like my cooking.  When I was little my step mother used to watch me eat and ask me over and over if I thought it was good.  It annoyed me at the time, because I could never say ‘yes’ enough.  But now I fully understand.  You want people to like your cooking, your food selection, your drinks.  It matters and it feels good when they do. 

6.   I have finally found my perfect bra...

It is black.  It has detachable straps (I prefer it strapless).  It is Calvin Klein.  It was purchased at Nordstrom.  It is amazing!  I do not wash it as much as I would normally because I cannot stop wearing it!  

7.   There is no need to “should” people...

I have learned from my Iyanla Vanzant daily StimuMail, that there is no need to waste time “should-ing” people.  That is when you say, “they should have done this” or “you should have done that”.  Everyone does exactly what they are meant to do to bring you, me and them to the place where they are supposed to be.  In other words, everything does happen for a reason, no matter how stupid and inconsiderate we think that reason is.  What is done is done and I must not react to the individuals, rather respond based on my core values.  I cannot control any other human, but myself.  So whatever should have been done, is not my concern.  My concern and my responsibility, regardless, is to move forward despite what “should have” been. 

8.   I gained weight, and I was okay with it...

I typically gain winter weight.  But this year after doing a few cleanses and dropping pounds by being conscious of what I ate, I let the cards, or rather, the fat fall as it may.  I exercised a bit on a regular basis leading up to November.  Then I decided to sign up for my fitness center’s 2014 Bikini Challenge.  Which meant, I decided to stop working out all together this month and eat as I wished.  I have to admit, I have enjoyed the process.  As juicy as I have gotten, I felt sexy and confident in my skin.  I giggled as I looked at my stomach rolls while getting dressed.  I silently shook my head as I heard the inner thighs of my pants rub together.  I threw my hands up when zippers busted and certain dresses would involve me becoming a contortionist in order to get in them.  Again, I enjoyed it!  I did not throw any clothes away, but I did not dare buy any new clothes either.  I know these 15 extra LBs will be gone by March and I type that with confidence.  So yes, I will indulge in the rest of this pound cake.  Why of course I will take bacon and a fried egg on that burger- don’t forget the cheese!  I am comfortable with the skin I am in, and after a clumsy breakup which caused me to doubt myself and lose some of my teflon self-esteem, that means a lot!  And it took a lot for me to get there.  Catch me in 2014, bet I’ll be tight.

9.   Forgiveness is necessary for forward movement...

Forgiveness allows growth and new grounds to be broken.  Forgiveness of others releases you from being connected to people through your anger and hurt.  To forgive is to live free.  To let go of the past and truly embrace the present.  I had to forgive a number of people this year.  Not always verbally to them directly, but usually through my silent prayers.  I had to pray through the hurt, the betrayal and confusion I felt others had inflicted on me.  I needed to be free of the individual’s or the particular situation’s hold of me.  After forgiving this person for not being upfront and honest and for what I considered wasting my time.  And forgiving that person for talking about me behind my back and rallying others to do the same.  Then forgiving those who I felt created unnecessarily hostile environments or were just plain rude.  And those who just believed the lies of others and abandoned me.  After all of that forgiveness, I took time and wholeheartedly forgave MYSELF.  That, I found, was the ultimate act of forgiveness.  Forgiving myself for the hurts and the pains that I played a part in and considered myself responsible for having happened.  I forgave myself for not being more thoughtful or cautious when entering some relationships.  I forgave myself for not taking time to tap into what I was actually feeling when those feelings arose instead of just going with my gut which has been off since the ‘90s!  I forgave myself for my role in some of the shenanigans I encountered.  I forgave myself in order to embrace myself fully.

10.  I have to be gentle with myself...

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with all of the above.  I have tried my darndest to learn and act on this lesson.  It ain’t easy!  But it is necessary for my well-being.  I am not a failure.  Although I am not always right, I am not always wrong either.  Some things that look like mess-ups or mistakes are actually blessings.  I am good.  I am enough.  I am ok.  If for no other reason than because of Who created me.  I have been working hard to change the “tapes” in my head that have me doubting or criticizing myself.  The small voice that always has a harsh comment whenever an obstacle presents itself or things do not go according to plan, has been slowly substituted with words of encouragement or sometimes just silence.  I am working on just being.  Taking life and it’s blows as they come and understanding the importance of each in retrospect.  

Happy New Year!!  What are your best lessons learned 2013?  

Singularly Single

I am single.  Again.  There, I said it!  It is not something I thought I would be facing at this point again, but it is what it is.  You live.  You learn.  You move on.  No hard feelings.  The most glaring initial problem with break-ups is getting back acclimated with your single self.  More nights at home alone.  Less confidence in who to choose to accompany you to certain events.  That was always his job.  Although now that I think about it, his work schedule and overall lack of interest in things that interested me left me still having to make that choice, but it still felt like I had more opportunities to have an "escort" or buddy.  But I digress.  There are a few events that have come up recently that I have invited friends to, with no success.  I will be the first to admit- it happens.  Life that is.  My girlfriends have kids, and husbands, jobs, stressful re-occurring life issues, plans, class, work assignments.  Lives.  They need naps, and rest, doctor's appointments, money, and a rain-check.  I cannot be mad.  Is it frustrating?  At times, yes.   But it's adult life. 

So where will I turn for companionship during this re-adjustment period?  Within.  I have decided to take myself on dates.  Not once in awhile, but regularly.  Not in that corny, girl you need to get to know you before you can be with any man! type of way, but in a sincere effort to just keep myself entertained and interested.  I purchased one ticket to see Amel Larrieux in September.  I gladly accepted two tickets to the Black Harvest Film Festival from my boss yesterday, with no idea of who would get the other ticket.  I had struck out with my first three offers.  So before my co-worker showed excitement and I offered her the ticket, I planned on attending the short film series on Love (yes, Love) last night, by myself.  It has been a awhile since I have courted me.  I admit, I'm a bit rusty, but taking care of myself is a necessity.  I cannot wait for the right companion to emerge.  I have to keep moving forward, to make this a smooth transition.  In fact, I am going to take a breather from inviting others to the "party" so much.  If it happens and we get together.  Great.  If not, no biggie.   I think I can handle this alone.

Disbanded

The creator has disbanded this group...

This is the text message I received two Thursday nights ago.  For about a year, I was part of a group text started by a friend.  The group consisted of high friends I became reacquainted with in 2010.  We had connected on Facebook and started hanging out together.  Whether at someone's house for the holiday or while celebrating a birthday, we always had fun.  For all intents and purposes, the group was solid- or so I thought.  Fast forward to last November, around the Thanksgiving holiday.  I noticed that one of the friends had de-friended me on Facebook.  That was odd.  I only knew because I had tried to tag this person in a comment to no avail.  When I went to the person's Facebook page, I was virtually given the long arm- the site asking if I knew this person.  I thought I did.  Apparently I did not. 

I immediately called this girl, who did not answer, but instead texted me stating that she was on another call and would call me back.  She never did.  I knew something was wrong.  Unfortunately, we as a society have become so ingrained and dependent on social media, that you can safely take social cues from your interactions or lack thereof on social juggernauts like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and such.  I knew that this individual whom I had hung out with in person both in the group or separately on our own, was sending me a major message:  We are no longer friends.  I could easily go through the timeline of awkward events that solidified this truth, but I do not want to give anyone undue credit for a very small sub-chapter in my life.  That being said, when I confronted the person about the unfriending, she, in giving me her reasons for dissolving our friendship in a very passive-aggressive way, said that she did not want to "be a shit starter" nor did she want to upset the group by saying anything to the others.  I, being the ever-loyal-sometimes-to-a-fault type of person that I am, followed her lead and decided not to mention anything to the other girls either.  With the exception of a very vague, non-descript, yet, in context re-telling of a small portion of the entire conversation with no names mentioned to exactly one person, I have, to this day not spoken a word about the incident to anyone else within the group.  My side of the story has not been provided.  I have not discussed with anyone my thoughts and feelings about the situation.  Or the details involved.  From the bizarre and reduced interactions, whether on social media or via personal/direct texts and phone calls, I have the feeling I was the only one who kept up her end of the deal.

Overall, my role and positive position in the group's dynamic has changed.  This obvious fact has not made me lose any sleep, but it has caused a bit of anxiety whenever I would receive a text from the group.  I wanted to pull away and no longer interact with the girl who had initiated all of this.  I hate to be uncomfortable and hide my true feelings in an effort to be the "bigger person".  I would rather disassociate myself from certain activities.  Like recently a get-together that was to take place at a restaurant, had been moved at the last minute to the girl's house.  How crazy would that be?  Hey, I know you don't like me, but I decided to show up anyway.  What should I bring- wine?  Um, no.  Since my gut tells me I have been discussed, I am confused as to how this became a suitable option anyway.  If everyone wants to keep the peace.  Why not host events in neutral settings?  Maybe that's me just overthinking things with my analytical self.  I do still have ongoing and positive contact with one of the girls.  For that, I am grateful.  She has not changed and I am appreciative. 

Which brings me to that final group text message.  It gave me a peaceful, internal giggle.  I thought it fitting that the term "creator" was used.  Sometimes, God will rock the boat to get your attention, to move you in a different direction.  Because He does not come down physically to talk to us and hand feed us His plan, we have to listen and listen carefully.  I, in an effort to flex my loyal friendship skills, trying to build upon relationships, which maybe should have stayed more casual, missed key early warnings.  I can look back on conversations with the individual and think, that was a red flag.  That should have been your sign that this was not going to end well.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.  At the time, what I thought were little quirks, I now know were future problems being formed.  Molding resentment towards me for things that are less about me and more about her.  But that text though.  The group has indeed disbanded.  I still enjoy hanging out with that one remaining friend, but I would not be surprised if I do not receive invites to events from the others.  I am confident in saying I do not believe I have done anything intentional to alienate the group, but at this time, it seems we have run our course as friends. 

When I told another girlfriend the complete story, she said, "yeah, you've been iced out."  She continued with a shrug, "besides going to high school with these people, what else do you have in common with them?"  Not much, if anything.  She went on to share some of her own woes with friends who did not stand the test of time.  Friendships can be difficult; they should not be, but they can.  Friendships with women can be even more complicated.  You mix in the insecurities a lot of us deal with that come with trying to be perfect, polite or humble at all costs, and you have the recipe for a troublesome friendship.  I like meeting new people and gaining new friends, but situations like this remind me to tread lightly and keep my eyes open.  Keeping your friend list short and tight seems like the best answer, but even that can be a bit non-progressive when you think about it.  How do you grow, if you have the same group of individuals as friends and never look outside of your circle to let others in your world? 

Whatever the case, I have learned a real strong lesson about taking time, gaining trust and what true friendship really means.  It is not fickle.  Tell me you all did not stop talking to me because someone else stopped talking to me.  It is not random.  I thought a genuine friendship was built, however, it must not have been important enough for you to tell me your feelings in person or at least over the phone.  You just deleted me- via Facebook no less.  It can only thrive if both parties are on the same level mentally and emotionally.  When someone tells you they are crazy, please believe them.  Are there any groups or friendships that you are part of that need to be disbanded?  Do tell.