Sparks are flying...

To be alive: not just the carcass
But the spark.
That's crudely put, but ...

If we're not supposed to dance,
Why all this music?

~ Gregory Orr ~

I read this poem for the first time today. I love it. It's simplicity is timeless and to the point. The message being: Live Your Life! People often say to me, "girl you're always going somewhere, doing something." My response is usually something to the effect of: "well yeah, I like to live my life and enjoy it to the fullest." Although I'm often on my blog discussing kids and marriage, relationships and such, I truly enjoy being single and being me. Whenever I think of the blessing of having the ability to just jump and move with a second's notice, I get excited and realize that may be why God has not mated me with the right person (or lately ANY person). He, like me, understands that I would have a lot of adjusting to do.

I really love living LIFE. I like that I have accomplished personal goals. I am proud of the wisdom, knowledge and even some possessions I have acquired as a single woman. I have a trip planned for next month with my best friend. I cannot wait! We put together the details in a matter of a month and a half. We kind of roll like that- living life!

I completed my first scarf this Monday. I have been wearing it and the matching hat I knitted ever since. I have always wanted to knit since I was a little girl, so to complete two projects and embark on a new one, is big. Again, I am living LIFE. Whether it's the 5K race, cruising the Mediterranean, going to a Bon Jovi concert or seeing the Blackhawks play hockey, I keep living. I keep moving.

There was a time when certain things seemed only appropriate for me to do with a man, my man. But the more time keeps ticking, I cannot be so naive to think that 'he' is promised to me. I believe in my heart I was made to love and that there is someone just right and perfect for me. But, until he comes, I have to live life as if he does not exist. I cannot wait to buy my first property with my husband, I need to start investigating this on my own now. I couldn't wait for 'him' to take me to Europe, I went with my Mama and family. It took too long for 'him' to come and take me to my first opera, did that with my Mama too. I wanted 'him' to escort me to see such soul artists as Maxwell and Jill Scott, but due to impatience I went with Nicole and had a blast. I would have loved to have knitted my first scarf for my 'beau' as some of my knitting classmates did, but making a hot pink one for me, seemed so much more appropriate. Did I want my 'boo' to frolic with me on the white beaches of Mexico, yep, but my best friend came much sooner.

As you know if you've been following my blog, there is no 'him'. But figuratively, whoever this mythical figure is, he is taking his sweet time getting to me. Therefore, my heart's desires have to be taken care of in spite of this. I have decided most of these dreams and goals, cannot wait a moment longer and must become reality now. Life really is too short. One day, the high school you is in a twin daybed in Hyde Park on a school night listening to your dad's loud t.v. through your bedroom wall and the next, you're 30 in your own apartment full from food you purchased yourself, for yourself writing on your personal blog on a work night about whatever you damn well please. The moral of this story: time waits for no one.

For the Record...

I got my OFFICIAL time for the race. Turns out, your girl ACTUALLY completed the race in 42min 43sec...nice! I just wanted to clear that up, night, night.

"I found God in myself/and I loved her/I loved her fiercely."-Lady in Red (For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf

I do believe I have found the God in me. I feel He/She has been here all along. But, there are times when I do not listen for Him. There are times when I do not seek Her. I spend so much time thinking. Thinking about absolutely nothing of value and substance. But I am a woman of substance, so this is unacceptable on many levels. According to my calculations, I have stayed home the past seven Saturday nights. Not always intentionally, but I just found myself at home instead in the streets. My home has become my personal sanctuary and I am so grateful for it.

Seven is a Holy number. God rested after creating the world on the 7th day. Jesus multiplying the seven loaves. Maybe my seven Saturdays is part of God's plan for me. I made a pledge to focus less on members of the opposite sex. Knowing my will power or lack there of, maybe this is part of my healing. Seven weeks is a significant amount of time to make a conscious change. To change 'the tapes' so to speak that replay in your head.

More importantly, these seven Saturdays and Sundays as well, not to mention, most of the weekdays, have provided me silence and space. I can not only think clearer, but I am more reflective. I can see the God in me, because of the silence I have allowed myself to experience. I do not remember being bored, or even sad. Introspective, yes, but not bored or sad. I love my friends and even thought about hanging out with them, but I did not really miss them per se. I would have hung with them if something came up, but did not have an urge to force the issue. You see, it's in my silence that I find myself. It is the silence, that allows me to hear the whispers of God.

Yesterday I completed the Hot Chocolate 5K race. My time was 58 mins, 17 sec. Considering I did not train and I am not a runner, this was an awesome feat for me. More importantly, the person who told me about the race and encouraged me to sign up, did not end up participating due to a registration discrepancy. When she first told me she would not be participating, I thought how hard it might be running alone. I thought about how I was planning on meeting up before the race and having someone to talk to afterwards. But such is life. While running with the 25,000+ people, I could not help but feel as though I was not only a part of something, but how comfortable I felt being in the midst of a bunch of people I did not know. I was not alone. I did not feel lonely. I felt strong and empowered. I especially felt good, knowing I had gotten myself there and found my way back home without having anyone cheer me on, or drop me off or pick me up. I was my own cheerleader. I provided my own mode of transportation. And I hosted my own post race 'festivities' (I treated myself to a cozy night at home).

My faith has brought me thus far, and my faith will continue to move me to a better plateau. My faith that everything will be alright, that I'm okay by myself. I have faith that I am not missing anything significant. It is faith that pleases the Lord. I am at peace because I know what He has allowed me to experience previously. Today my pastor's sermon spoke on walking by faith, not by sight. Although I am blind to the future, my past gives me a point of reference to sustain me until my future becomes my present.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6