Eating Sadness

I have been doing the 'Daniel Fast' for 2 weeks now.  This diet, which requires fasting from such foods as meat, seafood, all animal bi-products (including eggs and dairy, but with the exception of minimal honey), sugars/sweeteners (the hardest one yet), leavened bread, caffeine and alcohol, is a total of 21 days.  I have a little over 7 days left.  I did this diet 2-3 years ago, but felt more prepared than I am now.  The fast is based on Daniel in the the Bible (Click for verses).  So my first go 'round was with the church.  Although I have tried to increase my prayer and meditation during this time, my prayer life has admittedly suffered.  Maybe because my intentions are more about getting into my bikini in Mexico, than sacrificing for the Lord.

The fast has worked in increasing the pounds I had already started shedding.  But I have noticed some things this time around.  Number one, when I first started I acquired a low-humming headache, which did not subside for several days.  I chalked this up to me no longer indulging in my coffee 'needs'.  Then came the dreams.  I typically have bizarre dreams while refreshing my eggs (take that however you need to, I couldn't think of a more tactful way of describing it- my apologies); but I am still dreaming a week later.  Sometimes my dreams increase when I have things on my mind and I am anxious or excited, scared or nervous and especially when I am depressed.

This leads me to my next point, I have been very 'bluesy' lately.  I argued with my mother.  The Gift has gotten on my nerves with his perceived 'neglect'.  And I find myself ready for bed throughout my workday.  I cannot stay up past 9:30pm without lots of stimulation.  I am an early bird, but sometimes there does not seem to be any reason for my nodding off at 8pm.  I have cried myself to sleep these past few nights and I wake in the wee hours of the morning, say about 1 or 2am feeling emotionally empty.  I feel needy and childish.  Is there some link to me dieting and my emotional state? I had to research this and find out.  Apparently, I need to increase my serotonin intake.  I can get this through whole wheat and rolled oats.  According to an article I read on About.com, I may be leaving myself a 'pleasure void'.  I am sure this could be eradicated with more exercise, but who has energy for that when you can cry yourself into a good 2 hour, midday nap?

Yes, that may be the answer.  I am neglecting myself of the food pleasures that I enjoy so much.  I watched a woman walk down Jackson Blvd downtown so seductively eating a Rolo McFlurry- whore!  Do not even consume yourself with how I knew it was Rolo McFlurry and not a Twix McFlurry.  Just know that she gave me a look, that let me know the look I was giving her was pretty perverted.  Only it wasn't her I was checking for.  No, I wanted that McFlurry.  In my bed, while I watched 'Breaking Bad'.  Have I asked my friends to eat their artichoke and spinach cheese dip slow, not wasting a drop?  Yes.  Did I instruct the Gift to drink his Leinenkugel Lemon Berry Shandy with more love and tenderness?  Yes.  My mouth watering as I watched the gulps go down his throat.  Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have a problem.  I have one more week and it feels like Christmas.  I won't overindulge, I mean, there's no sense in totally crashing.  But I do have a few things on my list:  fish- of any kind, cheese- the sharper the better and butter- what I would do for butter right about now.  I dream of meatball subs and rib tips.  I would like to taste a good lamb chop.  The countdown continues.

Confessions of a sad dieter.

Summer Madness

Stevie Wonder once sang about a love lost in summer.  In his emotional, "I Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer", he speaks to someone who has left him cold and alone during a time that was meant for love and warmth.  This song always makes me cry.  Only Stevie can leave you drained of emotion with his voice that rings of real heartache and pain.  I thought of this song today as I quietly mourn the loss of the summer season itself.  I am a Chicagoan.  I have lived here most of my life.  I understand that after summer, comes autumn and after autumn, comes winter.  Although I like a season change to keep things fresh, I get so down during the winter months.  When the temperature cools, so do my lighthearted, 'I can conquer the world' feelings.  I feel less inclined to get out and be active.  I tend to get the blues more frequently and I feel stifled by the fashion options. 

I love the summer and this weekend marked the unofficial close of the 2012 season.  I am bummed, truly.  My overwhelming thought this weekend?  What exactly did I do this summer?  When I stop and survey the season, I have to admit that I had a pretty good time, but I, as always, feel as though I could have done more.  Why can't the summer season be just a little bit longer, say, a month or two?  Oh, yeah, I remember.  It is because I live in a unforgiving cold climate region that does not allow for outdoor activities past the month of August. 

The summer has it's downsides, like how the crime rate skyrockets in the warmer weather.  Even the thugs are too cold to act a fool in winter.  I do look forward to that part of winter.  But I still like to take my chances and enjoy the sweltering heat, the hot sun and the music that tends to be everywhere (or maybe just in my head).  I want a longer summer!  Yes, I know I attended 2 Cubs games, traveled to Las Vegas and L.A., attended countless parties, sipped cocktails in a many juke joints, hung out after hours with nothing more than shorts and a tank top, lost track of time as daylight lingered well passed 7pm all while letting my toes breathe- but I want more!!

What do I think is leaving with summer?  That footloose and fancy free feeling when the sunlight kisses me awake despite myself.  The invincible, head-lifted walk that comes with summer.  The random fun that seems to spring up more often during the months of June, July and August.  Yes, I am sad and I have the blues.  As usual, I guess I will have to create my own summer.  Or just endure until next year.

In the words of Stevie, ...

No, I never dreamed you'd leave in summer
But now I find my love has gone away
Why didn't you stay?

Friends or Fans?

Do you have friends or fans in your life?  I have a friend, *Pat, who can be a bit entertaining on Facebook.  Pat has mastered being coy enough to get curious responses and brash and honest enough to keep the comments and 'Likes' coming.  Pat is a friend.  I like Pat.  But Pat's 'Friend List' is filled with more gawking onlookers than actual friends.  I think Pat likes this.  Which made me wonder, how many of us have fans as opposed to friends?

Well, let's first make the distinction between fans and friends.  A fan will 'Like' all comments and posts, making sure to respond how much they almost choked from laughing out loud at your circumstance.  A friend makes a point of reaching out after the fact or outside of the public post to ensure that everything is all good.  Fans leave encouraging words of how awesome you are; friends tell you that to your face.  Which leads me to my next example, fans only interact with you online; you share actual memories with friends.  Let me be clear, there are not only virtual fans, but real ones too.  Of the people who show up to any and every event you have, how many of them would you actually sit down and talk to?  How many would you say really know you?  Who amongst them would you invite for an intimate evening with friends and family?

In most cases, the fan list outweigh the friends list.  Now I must admit, this is something I have only observed from the outside.  I happen to have the winning personality which only keeps the most genuine and honest people close to me.  I have never been the type of person people feel they need to hang around for what I have or what I do.  You really have to want to deal with me, to deal with me.  Which, in my opinion, is a good thing.  My fanbase is non-existant.  I am okay with that and have wholeheartedly embraced it.

So again, I ask, do you have friends or fans?



*Name has been changed.

Pioneer Woman

Several months ago, I got rid of my cable.  I do this every year.  I get cable, the bill gets stupid, then I drop it altogether.  Comcast and I usually part ways with me cursing their gangster nature and them calling their peoples on me to collect my 'oustanding balance'.  A balance I take my sweet little time paying because I absolutely feel as if I have been financially sodomised.  My thought is, I watch a total of about 8 channels, 5 of which are local or the national network stations; so why do I have to pay so much?  I have gone without cable before, so it really does not bother me.  Especially with Netflix and Hulu, I do not even give it a thought. 

Well, in June, I rid myself of the internet as well.  My hotspot had started malfunctioning (probably because I kept it on all day- hey you never know when you'll need to look something up, the warm up time was annoying).  After several days of the runaround, I was asked to send the hotspot back to the Clear warehouse so they could investigate the problem.  During this process, I was told I could either:  A) have my service suspended for 6 weeks and wait until further notice. or B) Purchase a new hotspot and keep my service going until a determination was made.  If it was found that the problem did not warrant a replacement hotspot, because the issue was not their fault, I would just keep my new device.  If they were at fault, I would be reimbursed.  I hated both of these choices, but opted to have the service suspended.  I mean, I am at the Gift's house enough and his crib is fully stocked with cable, electronics and the internet.  After 'testing' the device, it was determined that I was outside of my waranty period; I would have to purchase another hotspot.  When the question was asked if I wanted to start my service up again, I declined.  I did not like the way they handled their business.

Compound that with the fact my old school antennae is ragedy and needs to be replaced (it's complete with tin foil tips); I have been without my usual entertainment.  I live in an old building in the hood, so there are no wireless connections for my phone to latch onto, making Facebook impossible.  Contrary to what most people think, I have not missed any of these things.  In fact, I don't even give it a thought until I tell someone and they respond with shock, saying they 'could never go without' such and such.  I tell them, 'you'd be surprised'.  And I think most people would.  When they ask how do I 'live'.  I tell them I do this crazy thing called reading.  Plus, I have music and I watch DVDs.  Furthermore, I don't sit in the house.  I am rarely there.  I typically go to bed no later than 9:30/9:45pm, so it's not like I'm up all night.  Actually, I sleep better and get more rest without the typical 'entertainment'.  How often do you find yourself up watching something stupid like a zombie?  Knowing the liklihood of that program being replayed is high.  I cannot tell you the amount of times the internet has sucked me in, keeping me up late.  Who responded to that post?  What shoes are on sale at Nordstrom's, Neiman's, wherever?  Where is the corporate headquarters of this company?  What is the latest on this blog?  I had to put myself on a strict bedtime, because I would look up and it would be about 10:30 or 11pm! 

Oh, and let me not forget to mention, I have no air conditioning in the summer!  I know, I know!!  By the time I decide to get it, the summer is over.  I am a true pioneer woman, channeling my ancestors.    My current ComEd bill is a whopping $14.07!!  I can dig it!  Life is good and I enjoy my quiet space.  I do not have nearly as much clutter in my head as before.  The only drawback is, there are some things that are better with T.V. on in the background- like polishing my nails.  Plus, I have to make sure I read current events, since I do not watch the news as of late.  All in all, it really isn't so bad. 

The Best

I am a worrier.  I worry about all sorts of things.  One thing in particular that often concerns me is who I might be beefin' with or who I have offended.  Maybe because it has been said that I have stepped on my share of toes.  Whether it is intentional or not, true or false, that is what has been told to me.  I was just thinking to myself, how many people in my life are not speaking to me.  The number seemed huge.  But upon further review, I realized that simply is not true.  First, when I count the family and friends in my life who don't return texts, ain't feeling me, are not speaking to me, the number is surely not small.  But, those people in my life who do, supercede it by far.  Then I had to step back and define my idea of being 'in my life.'  If we are not talking and have not spoken in months- hell years, no matter the familial connection.  You cannot be considered 'in my life.'  That fact alone allowed me to exhale.

You do your best.  With family, you send that birthday text your mother reminded you about, knowing it will not be replied to- ever.  You celebrate your birthday without receiving your text (I guess their mother/father did not remind them).  With friends, you call them consecutively, and try to subside any irritation when the call is not answered or returned.  You do your best.  You give the most concrete and clear advice when you know someone is going down a less than favorable path.  When they continue that journey, you SHUT THE FUCK UP!  All the while, you do your best.  You reach out when you can and pull back when it is necessary.  And pray always.  Not only for them, but mainly for you.  Knowing that this is not the last time your words will be misconstrued or misunderstood.  You just do your best.

Snappin' Off

This weekend, the Gift, straight checked this chick and I loved it!  I am not a fan of men being ungentleman-like to women, but in some cases, it is necessary.  There is this person who is an extension of his crew of friends.  Extension meaning, I would feel the most comfortable referring to her as a groupie of sorts.  She is phony and an all around clown.  But she is not important.  Although she sparked the conversation, she is not the least bit important.  What is important is, the Gift checked her for not acknowledging me.  Yes, I told on her.  Mainly because she had the audacity to tell him to 'bring your girl' to her birthday celebration.  When he told me that, I knew it was bull.  And sure enough the next two encounters I had with her, she completely ignored me.  So you were hoping I would not have enough perception to know that you do not care for me, but you want me to be in the company of all of your friends so you could diss me on your turf?...I'm straight on that.  But again, I digress, it's not about her.  The Gift, checked her.  In a bar.  So assertively and to the point, I heard parts of it over thumping house music.  "How you gon(na) come in here, speak to me and not speak to my lady?!  No, no, how you not gon(na) acknowledge my lady?"  Yeah, get her!!

I giggled inside and I still smile when I think about it.  Here is a "woman" who will come in and hug my man, ignore me completely, even though we were all in the same vicinity (you could at least wave to the group as a whole), then you sit in my man's vacant seat, which of course is right next to me, turn your back to me and commence to flick your hair repeatedly over your shoulder.  Oh yeah, she was trippin'!  But that's not how the story ends.  She came over and heavily tapped me on my shoulders.  When I turn around, she waves sheepishly and says, 'Hi'.  I say, my usual, "hey, how you doing?".  Then she set herself up for major failure.  She extends her arms childishly, to welcome a hug.  My response?  "No hugs, it was good seeing you.  But no hugs."  Her face displayed shock and disbelief.  I smiled and turned back to my conversation.

It is good to know I have someone in my corner who doesn't go for the okey-doke.  He knows women can be catty, but does not see that as a reason for someone to be rude, especially not to me.

To Be Young

It is officially summertime at the gig.  Which means intern season.  Every year we get a great batch of kids.  I mean the kind of kids that make you want to actually have some in the hopes that they will turn out to be as polite and mannerable as the young men or as smart and kind as the young ladies.  One other thing the 'kids' spark in me, is a regret that I really wasted my youth not being as proactive and career driven as I should have been.  I was foolish enough to think the world really was my oyster and I had so much time to kill.  Whether it be with less than worthy 'boyfriends' or dead-end jobs that did not do much for my skillset or resume.  I was focused on the wrong thing:  living life.  I wanted life to rush hard and fast at me, but did not think it would sweep me up in it's mist in order to mature and essentially age me.

I thought I was so smart and well put together, but in hindsight, I had no clue what the hell I was doing and where I was heading.  I knew I wanted to live.  I would cringe whenever people asked what I wanted to do.  I had no idea.  I wanted to get paid a respectable and livable wage and make the rest of it up as I went along.  My major concerns as a younger woman was having a man.  Having fun.  Kicking it.  What 32-year-old MJ knows in contrast to 18, 19, 20-year-old MJ is I could have been laying the groundwork for that then and doing those things now.  I guess the thought of 32 seemed so old.  Back then, my futuristic, and might I add idealistic and unrealistic eye, had me married with a few kids.  My husband would be a professional of some kind, making lots of money.  We would live downtown or on the North Side.  I would be chillin' with a boutique my husband would have bought for me or be a stay-at-home mom or even someone with a cool job that allowed me to dress professionally fly.  Yeah, that's how shallow my thought process was, I just wanted a 'cool job'.  I wish I was more focused.  I wish I put some thought into having a specific accredited skill.  I wish I knew that life did not have to stop at 30.  That there is a whole lot more life to live and enjoy.

I see these kids and I think, 'what if?'