How to Get Some, When You Got Some...Kids

I asked one of my friends to sit down and answer questions for me regarding romance, marriage and how to keep the spark alive when you've got little people in the house.  Here's what this 29-year-old mother of 2 and wife of 1 had to say about it.  A private person, she's chosen to stay anonymous, but her answers could help all of us.

I am a 29 year old wife first, a mother second, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, niece and friend to many. I’m organized, sometimes anal; but I love to laugh and have fun as well. My sisters say that I’m the type of personality “you have to get to know”. LOL. But generally speaking, I’m an easy going person. My husband is my best friend. It may seem corny but it’s the truth. I love my family life (most days-real talk). I love to help others and love, love. My husband and I have been together 13 year total, 8 years married. My oldest son is 5 years, my second son is 3 months.

You've been married for 8 years and have been with your husband for 13 years, do you celebrate Valentine's Day? What is your favorite memory?

After 13 years of being together, we generally keep it mildly sexy for Valentine’s Day- unless it’s on a weekend. If it happens to land on a week night, it’s usually a night out away from our oldest son for dinner, maybe a movie, and a little romantic time for mom and dad. If it’s on a weekend we try to plan an overnight. My favorite memory of a Valentine’s Day is our first married Valentine’s Day. He sent a dozen red roses to work. I came home; he had candles lit, some more flowers, he ran a hot bath, had some good take out and we had some good “conversation”.

You've got 2 kids, how do you keep the 'spice in your life' with so much time spent being a parent?

We developed a little something after our first son was born called “Dad’s Apartment”. We put the kids to bed and go to our basement. We shut the door (put on the baby monitor), play some music, talk for a bit, I may dance for him, we kiss etc. It’s kind of our in house opportunity to be “us” even while the children are at home. You have to make it happen no matter the setting.

You very recently had a new baby boy, congratulations! I'm told there is no sleep for another 2 years. How hard is it to stay 'focused', shall we say, and turned on when you are running on a few hours of sleep?

The lack of sleep does play a part, but that’s what they make Red Bull for. You have to make “sexy time” a priority.  A happy mom and dad makes for a happy family unit. Keeping everybody relaxed and cool is an important aspect to keeping the closeness in your marriage. Yes, everyone is running on fumes for a while, but people forget that the children grow up and leave the nest. If you put your relationship on the back burner to raise them, you will look up and they’re 18 in college, and you will have no idea who your spouse is anymore. That’s why it’s important to keep your marriage first on the priority list and to do your best to remain open and honest with each other.

Us, never married women, always hear that communication is key to a healthy and happy marriage. But let's get real, as a married woman of 8 years, how high up on your 'important things in a marriage list' would you rank passion?

Communication and passion are absolutely at the top of the list for a healthy and happy marriage. I feel they go hand in hand. Marriage is not easy every single day, but it should be most days. Let’s be honest, sex makes us feel closer to our partners. So if you’re not having sex the lack of passion in the relationship will ultimately become a ticking time bomb. That’s why sometimes you may have to dip off to the bathroom while the kids are playing and minding their own business or develop your own form of “dad’s apartment”. You have to make ways to keep the passion alive and get creative especially after the children come. 

Are you into romance or do you find that to be overrated and corny? What's the most romantic thing your husband did that that you still remember?

Romance is not overrated or corny. We do our romance thing how we do it. My husband is very thoughtful. He listens to me. He’ll buy me little things that I mention in passing when I don’t think he’s paying me any attention. He’s “kidnapped” me a few times. Meaning, he’s arranged for child care and picked me up and has the entire evening planned. That’s what I call romance and keeping the spice alive. And as far as the most romantic thing he’s ever done, I’d have to say the above mentioned Valentine’s Day is high up on my list…

BONUS QUESTION:
Whenever I talk to married women, such as yourself, there is always a 'the grass is greener' conversation. What are the top 3 things that you wish your single friends would cherish during this unattached time in their lives?

I don’t necessarily have a “grass is greener” mentality. There are different phases in life. Your adolescence, your single life, your married or in a committed relationship life, your life as a parent, your life as an empty nester etc. Some of those intertwine.  That said, I truly enjoy “my guys”. Is it hard some days? Yes. Is it easy on other days? Yes. But the short story is that you have to be prepared for wifehood and motherhood. The top three things I suggest my single friends cherish boils down to ONE thing. TIME. Enjoy your time alone. My sister recently told me that she would love to be in a relationship but doesn’t want “anyone sitting on her couch all the time”. I get that. But that is not a factor for me because my husband and have lived together so long. And honestly, we give each other our space even when we’re home together. You have to be prepare for someone “invading your space”. Especially if you’re used to having your own space. Once you become wife and a mother, your time is not your own. So while you’re looking for “the one” enjoy that anticipation time while the two of you are apart and dating, I did. That made it so much better when we were able to be together and it has the same effect now. I appreciate my man and my little guys even more now because I was prepared for that and this is the life that I wanted and the life that I love.  

Happy Valentine's Day!